Excerpts from my diary ---28.8.14
7am
Who is going to ring me up and call me by my pet name hereafter and talk for hours about this and that with a pure and kind heart?N o one.
My dear brother lay creamy white inside that glass cabin with a face full of peace and his head the cause of all his troubles since his birth was tilted in that familiar angle so very familiar and dear to me.Is 62 an age to die?Don't people with similar ailments live to 80 and beyond?
Was it a natural death or am i in any way responsible for his passing away before time?Should politics be allowed to play in life of innocents?Just what message is being sent? That we acknowledge that our hands are tied? So i and my family are the scape goats in this gory bloody political war?
M.A. Ayengar 's grand son ,identical in hue, looks ,ideas values and a similar brilliant political grasp ,was he sent packing for pointing out the vendetta politics that had started to play a havoc in my and our lives since 2012?
Poor bub whilst M.A was strong ,my bub was weak .what pride can be claimed by those executing this cowardly act?
I am writing all this now after the meaning of symbolism ,sunk ,
.
As we came out yesterday evening from bub's house to get back to or home two auto's bearing a Amman - goddess name and a seer;s photo's respectively ,refused to take us back .No other auto stopped at the stand so we walked along the busy traffic congested road hoping to flag an auto on the way .As we walked i glanced up at the sky and saw that it was darkening rapidly, and thought of the foreign power which had also landed me in this murky turmoils and tribulations when a skinny driver stopped and picked us up .Traffic was very heavy.My mind was foggy with grief and i chanted my time tested mantra ,one of the names of Vishnu and the driver started driving wildly but i didn't budge till i finished it .Saw a van with Indian flag on the opposite road going slowly towards the direction of the place of my brother's house .I remembered that earlier when we were going towards our bubs house the road on our side as clear and was being very briskly cleared by the traffic police whilst the traffic on the other ie opposite side .the traffic had piled up for more than a km
As i reached my flat sick with grief and worry ,my flatmate ,the one whose hub announced the grave verdict on me ,was talking irritatingly boisterously with an equally boisterous wife of my immediate flatmate .Morning as i cleaned the doorway saw newspapers only on the doorway of these 2 neighbors and not on mine or the adjacent one .
Oh it is a curse of being ill informed ,not knowing for sure who my real enemies are and how many they are.and be forced to try and remedy my situation and save lives of my family in a solitary battle through my writings and blogging.
What ever my prayer these days to god ,just like it was on after Vidat's demise is to give me and rest of my family the inner strength to face all the troubles [mainly from politicians] that has suddenly multiplied and come out of it successfully and intact
All the symbolism i mentioned could be a artifice when my spirit is at a very low ebb to divert me from my real enemies and again they could also be true .Only the informed will know the true picture and they are all maintaining a strict silence .An silence well maintained since 2012 .
Is there a macabre planning by human beings in two consecutive sudden deaths of my relatives ,the recent one most heart wringing or is it destiny's sport? God knows for sure.
3 pm
For the past 3 days the following was chanted repeatedly in a small boys voice Pazhithal koodadhu--meaning One should not insult any one .I am linking this advise or warning to my diary writing about my visit to a Vishnu temple on new moon day 25.8.14 in which i recall the past history nearlly 1000yeras old whilst meditating at a very revered Vaishnavaite preceptor shrine about how his friend's eyes were forcibly blinded by a ruler of Saivite sect for failing to disclose the whereabouts of Ramanujar against whose propogation of tenets of SriVaishnavaite sect the fanatic ruler had a terrible aversion and in a similar manner my eyes were nearly removed on pretext of cataract formation and am made to wear glasses with the intention of insulting and humiliating me ,as of the religious beliefs of sri vaishnavaite sect and also try and divert my attention from drinking in natures beauty or ruminate over articles and news on public affairs and sort out my views on the subject and then to write and blog it [now i am always writing about myself ] to constantly to stare at women of various age and size backside's as also front and at same time put me on defense against skinny poor and simply clad people.Like as if they are my only exploiters. . Then it was brutal .Now the cruelty is done with finesse and subtlety .Methods have changed but history seems to have repeated itself .
In that diary i also mention how two women relive themselves in a public toilet .an old woman showing her back whilst a middle aged one covers it .I noticed this because that middle aged woman was looking at me pointedly like as if she was demonstrating the manner in which i ought to relieve myself . This upset me and i ranted in that diary that in my house i can do what i like and it was none of anyones business to poke their nose and if they do i would label it as perversion .within 2 days my bub was no more.
Which person would tolerate any one looking at her whilst bathing or using the toilet in her own house ? Wouldn't any person deem it and call it as the perversion of the person or persons taking such sneaky views at some else;s wife, mother and sister or just another human being's most private moments within 4 walls of a self acquired pvt property ?
3.30pm
If such a perversion is justified on the grounds that i am myself a pervert due to mental conditions [if alt all , it is over blown]then the burden of curing me is on my husband and not on any tom , dick and harry howsoever 'powerful' 'responsible ' such persons be who have forcibly in a shadowy manner entered my husband's house without his knowledge or consent and have made his house , his wife and son a public property and object of public ridicule .And this is increasingly getting to be life threatening. He found me sane and still does [unless it is deliberately shown that his wife is out of her mind--this happened in past week with non stop pumping ,signals, suggestions that they were related to my urge to talk and write on and on and threats , that made me lose my confidence in the pattern of life i was following ,my routine and timings and also sets of beliefs to divert ,to confuse me but at same time keeping my mind preoccupied with small daily routine activities without a thought,creative or otherwise by holding a constant threat of death of my family over my head --13.9.14 and making me accept that it was i who is full of vice and without any character. or will. lesson is being taught for writing too much ] and as long as he is confident of handling me ,his wife of 33 yeas why should a stranger poke into his and our very personal family affairs?why all this undercover if intentions were pure and honest? Has it become part and parcel of polity and civil society from long since [in my case since 2011] that such gross violation of a honest but weak persons rights no longer stir or prick any one?
don't those in power have respect for citizen's family or respect their views and decisions even in their personal lives?
Am hearing a song praising the godess of strength loudly from a speaker kept near the temple , and a lot of crackers being burst ,now after i have returned home attending my brother's last rites.
4.pm
As i finished writing 3 pm para , son came out of room , woken up from nap as if to warn me ,that para was controversial better stop or else your son had it. .
Then as i contd with 3,30 pm writing the owner of black scooter came out on his balcony speaking on his phone .Another hiss and warning that -stop this , other wise your son and hub 's and close relatives life time is bleak . Threat from whom ? no idea .
So i have made public my angst at pain of losing my life or sanity and also that of my family's , but i have to let the world know my plight and how long can i bottle it up ?my humiliations and, shackles on my privacy ? Their lives are dear to me but i also need a let off and this diary is one such let off and even if t is public i have to blog this since it being public has not in any way checked persons from going about thier deeds .Apart from trusting god i also have to trust human beings to rescue me and my family from this tricky, shady ,life threatening situation.
Note.6.9.14
What i have written above is only with regard to myself with mixture of history and suggestions from symbols ,songs etc that one of the causes of my present troubles is due to clash between two sects.No such clash exists in here or any where on this country at present .There is no sectarian violence in here at tn .I was only relating my personal troubles that could be because of any number of causes ,with a dose of imagination and history .
.
Who is going to ring me up and call me by my pet name hereafter and talk for hours about this and that with a pure and kind heart?N o one.
My dear brother lay creamy white inside that glass cabin with a face full of peace and his head the cause of all his troubles since his birth was tilted in that familiar angle so very familiar and dear to me.Is 62 an age to die?Don't people with similar ailments live to 80 and beyond?
Was it a natural death or am i in any way responsible for his passing away before time?Should politics be allowed to play in life of innocents?Just what message is being sent? That we acknowledge that our hands are tied? So i and my family are the scape goats in this gory bloody political war?
M.A. Ayengar 's grand son ,identical in hue, looks ,ideas values and a similar brilliant political grasp ,was he sent packing for pointing out the vendetta politics that had started to play a havoc in my and our lives since 2012?
Poor bub whilst M.A was strong ,my bub was weak .what pride can be claimed by those executing this cowardly act?
I am writing all this now after the meaning of symbolism ,sunk ,
.
As we came out yesterday evening from bub's house to get back to or home two auto's bearing a Amman - goddess name and a seer;s photo's respectively ,refused to take us back .No other auto stopped at the stand so we walked along the busy traffic congested road hoping to flag an auto on the way .As we walked i glanced up at the sky and saw that it was darkening rapidly, and thought of the foreign power which had also landed me in this murky turmoils and tribulations when a skinny driver stopped and picked us up .Traffic was very heavy.My mind was foggy with grief and i chanted my time tested mantra ,one of the names of Vishnu and the driver started driving wildly but i didn't budge till i finished it .Saw a van with Indian flag on the opposite road going slowly towards the direction of the place of my brother's house .I remembered that earlier when we were going towards our bubs house the road on our side as clear and was being very briskly cleared by the traffic police whilst the traffic on the other ie opposite side .the traffic had piled up for more than a km
As i reached my flat sick with grief and worry ,my flatmate ,the one whose hub announced the grave verdict on me ,was talking irritatingly boisterously with an equally boisterous wife of my immediate flatmate .Morning as i cleaned the doorway saw newspapers only on the doorway of these 2 neighbors and not on mine or the adjacent one .
Oh it is a curse of being ill informed ,not knowing for sure who my real enemies are and how many they are.and be forced to try and remedy my situation and save lives of my family in a solitary battle through my writings and blogging.
What ever my prayer these days to god ,just like it was on after Vidat's demise is to give me and rest of my family the inner strength to face all the troubles [mainly from politicians] that has suddenly multiplied and come out of it successfully and intact
All the symbolism i mentioned could be a artifice when my spirit is at a very low ebb to divert me from my real enemies and again they could also be true .Only the informed will know the true picture and they are all maintaining a strict silence .An silence well maintained since 2012 .
Is there a macabre planning by human beings in two consecutive sudden deaths of my relatives ,the recent one most heart wringing or is it destiny's sport? God knows for sure.
3 pm
For the past 3 days the following was chanted repeatedly in a small boys voice Pazhithal koodadhu--meaning One should not insult any one .I am linking this advise or warning to my diary writing about my visit to a Vishnu temple on new moon day 25.8.14 in which i recall the past history nearlly 1000yeras old whilst meditating at a very revered Vaishnavaite preceptor shrine about how his friend's eyes were forcibly blinded by a ruler of Saivite sect for failing to disclose the whereabouts of Ramanujar against whose propogation of tenets of SriVaishnavaite sect the fanatic ruler had a terrible aversion and in a similar manner my eyes were nearly removed on pretext of cataract formation and am made to wear glasses with the intention of insulting and humiliating me ,as of the religious beliefs of sri vaishnavaite sect and also try and divert my attention from drinking in natures beauty or ruminate over articles and news on public affairs and sort out my views on the subject and then to write and blog it [now i am always writing about myself ] to constantly to stare at women of various age and size backside's as also front and at same time put me on defense against skinny poor and simply clad people.Like as if they are my only exploiters. . Then it was brutal .Now the cruelty is done with finesse and subtlety .Methods have changed but history seems to have repeated itself .
In that diary i also mention how two women relive themselves in a public toilet .an old woman showing her back whilst a middle aged one covers it .I noticed this because that middle aged woman was looking at me pointedly like as if she was demonstrating the manner in which i ought to relieve myself . This upset me and i ranted in that diary that in my house i can do what i like and it was none of anyones business to poke their nose and if they do i would label it as perversion .within 2 days my bub was no more.
Which person would tolerate any one looking at her whilst bathing or using the toilet in her own house ? Wouldn't any person deem it and call it as the perversion of the person or persons taking such sneaky views at some else;s wife, mother and sister or just another human being's most private moments within 4 walls of a self acquired pvt property ?
3.30pm
If such a perversion is justified on the grounds that i am myself a pervert due to mental conditions [if alt all , it is over blown]then the burden of curing me is on my husband and not on any tom , dick and harry howsoever 'powerful' 'responsible ' such persons be who have forcibly in a shadowy manner entered my husband's house without his knowledge or consent and have made his house , his wife and son a public property and object of public ridicule .And this is increasingly getting to be life threatening. He found me sane and still does [unless it is deliberately shown that his wife is out of her mind--this happened in past week with non stop pumping ,signals, suggestions that they were related to my urge to talk and write on and on and threats , that made me lose my confidence in the pattern of life i was following ,my routine and timings and also sets of beliefs to divert ,to confuse me but at same time keeping my mind preoccupied with small daily routine activities without a thought,creative or otherwise by holding a constant threat of death of my family over my head --13.9.14 and making me accept that it was i who is full of vice and without any character. or will. lesson is being taught for writing too much ] and as long as he is confident of handling me ,his wife of 33 yeas why should a stranger poke into his and our very personal family affairs?why all this undercover if intentions were pure and honest? Has it become part and parcel of polity and civil society from long since [in my case since 2011] that such gross violation of a honest but weak persons rights no longer stir or prick any one?
don't those in power have respect for citizen's family or respect their views and decisions even in their personal lives?
Am hearing a song praising the godess of strength loudly from a speaker kept near the temple , and a lot of crackers being burst ,now after i have returned home attending my brother's last rites.
4.pm
As i finished writing 3 pm para , son came out of room , woken up from nap as if to warn me ,that para was controversial better stop or else your son had it. .
Then as i contd with 3,30 pm writing the owner of black scooter came out on his balcony speaking on his phone .Another hiss and warning that -stop this , other wise your son and hub 's and close relatives life time is bleak . Threat from whom ? no idea .
So i have made public my angst at pain of losing my life or sanity and also that of my family's , but i have to let the world know my plight and how long can i bottle it up ?my humiliations and, shackles on my privacy ? Their lives are dear to me but i also need a let off and this diary is one such let off and even if t is public i have to blog this since it being public has not in any way checked persons from going about thier deeds .Apart from trusting god i also have to trust human beings to rescue me and my family from this tricky, shady ,life threatening situation.
Note.6.9.14
What i have written above is only with regard to myself with mixture of history and suggestions from symbols ,songs etc that one of the causes of my present troubles is due to clash between two sects.No such clash exists in here or any where on this country at present .There is no sectarian violence in here at tn .I was only relating my personal troubles that could be because of any number of causes ,with a dose of imagination and history .
.
posted by K.C. Sujata at
7:50 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home