15.8.14
Was watching the fountains showering water on the symbols of our sect Vaishnavism ,as the Sun dropped and the cupola]of god in front of me where i sat on a rim of a platform ,was lit up and bathed in golden light.
Everything was dim as i had left my spy glasses in the lodge.
as i gazed with my dim eyesight i could feel anger and bitterness course through me for being fixed . my grand father a Hindu who found strength to agitate and send away the mightiest power on earth then standing before the very sacred deity-Srinivasar sanctified within?Didn't he , my father and their fathers and mothers before them stand before this sacred deity praying for strength having absolute faith in the deity?,
Is it sheer politics that made his grand daughter wear those glasses and stain age old traditions ?
If this is the doings of a Hindu ,how can a Hindu ,or even an atheist not care for spiritual sentiments?My grand father was a politician and he may have had some tricks of trade of a politician but i am sure that he could have never found it within him to trade age old sanctity, heritage and faith of this most sacred deity for few political gains.I doubt whether even under alien rule we would have been forced to do so whereas i under native/hindu rule had been used without my knowledge,to do what is considered as sacrilegious by many hindus [without their knowledge ,yet fraud has been played upon them] and even when i have been made aware of those wretched glasses last month e same sate of affairs continues and the onus or trap is on me to uphold traditions or face the flak.
My grand father's task was easier than mine.He had to struggle only against foreigners who in no way intruded into his religious sentiments and spiritual beliefs.Whereas i am forced to be on alert against enemies who are on face of it of my own religion and belief's!His enemies had a face and showed themselves plainly as rival or enemies but mine do not have a face nor do they reveal their identity.
Maybe it was the work of adjustment experts to show how a Hindu's religious sentiments can be hurt by other Hindu's in power.Maybe this line of thinking was a suggestion put in me to kindle revenge in me .Earlier a suggestion was also put in me that those glasses was for my security and that if i divested them ,i ll be putting myself ad everyone else in a security nightmare.
As i write this diary on 15 8.14 morning recounting my emotions on 13.8.14.evening i feel that whenever i lament at my state of affairs a success is got hence i decided not to write it out on that evening and thus cut off such victory and discourage such selfish political schemes .I saw and heard our pm/speech on tv and here i am writing it all out
In the onward train journey i had fortified myself with ear plugs in bid to escape jamming ,having experienced intolerable pressures whilst going in trains in the past 2 years, the maximum being in a trip to nearby city a month or two back and on a earlier trip from a temple city in tn ,which was one and a half year back.
Heard the film song , this is my country,it touched me deeply and i felt my frustration at my constant shackling in my country i have roamed freely and of late the fear that if i dint please some one i had it ,fall away .This coupled with my age old ties to the temple town and the temple made me angry .i am from a family that is part and parcel of this land /bharat for centuries.Yes of course that at times i live in the past and not in the present realities has given meat for some one to control me.Whether i live in past or in present what gives any one the right to control me thus? so shadily and illegally curtailing my freedom? .
As i sat snatching glimpses of the fountain amidst devotees walking around eating chenna otr taking photos in a picnic like atmosphere , and listening to the devotional songs being played ,the vision of my anscestors whom i can trace upto 1857,as well as countless kings , saints ,acharyas paying thier humble obseince before the deity passed before my eyes .As also the mute hurt in the arm twisted Brahnmin priests eyes i have been seeing for past 2 yeras when ever i visit temples ,some of whom can trace thier devotion to the deaty and this particular deity to nealy 50 generations otr more passed through my eyes.
Fury at being fixed made me boil ,seking revenge!Why not wera those galsses and take revenge on my controllers? TIT for tat.Revenge is a powerful emotion specially for a person who has been constsnty arrased like me wiyhout any resaon .It had even blinded my own belef that sacred and anient deities must be seen in person and since the glasses were provided by the controlers the burden of or guilt f cmmitting sacrilege to such a ancient and pwerfuldeity has to be borne by htem and not me.
just like those founain s throwing water in the air with great force and then coming down gently to drench those venerated symblos i knew that i couldnt take revenge --Maybe it is the norm that any vip visits , security cameras will be switched on even within the sanctum . The need of the times when many a politicians life is under threat. But i am not a vip though a threat was made known to me indirectly .And i siad looking at the shimmering golden vimanum --I movingly requested Vishnu to help me in the manner he helped a elephant cuaght in the jaws of acrocodile which finally sought his help after waging afutile long and exhausting battle on its own .I bade godbye to my desire to take revenge then and there itself by shifting te burden of avenging the humiliations i am made ti suffer to Nrayanas protective and speedy presence riding aloft Garuda with a Chakra in his hands .I said softly to myself 'Go to hell all of you and politicians '
I felt the sae headiness ad the great relief i felt when last month i gavea tenner to aold lady and felt that no human in power can ever ,ever equal the power of almighty and when he is therewhy to fera or subserve to human authority that is being clandestinely without any legal or even spiritual basis being imposed upon me.
The next day , on vid's 31 st birthday i did not wera those glasses and left them in the room itself ,though th etemple as quite some distance away. A bespectacled man's sigh f relef on seeing me nera the gates without the glasses on ,was very obvious even to my dim eyes.
The queue we were joined into was for those parents whose kids were i tera old .All of them had tonsured heads and cooing, gurgling and laughing. Didn't mind the distraction . i had earlier in the day meditaed on the terrace of my room over loking the temple..
A man in 30's barged in to this queue looking quite ot of pace and kept enquiring every one as ro where he could deposit ghis mobile.He said he ws in the defence services.Quite an odd intrusion .He left mid way.The q moved very quickly and i stood befoe te eity in no time at all! Ah,the peace and the sublime spiritual beauty radiated by srinivasar is beyong description.
A bulky security shioved me of roughly . I didnt mater at all. A deliberate 'humiliation' that only made me luagh.No anger .I saved so many devotees of srinivasar , past and present from humiliations and deep hurt which they would havre to swallow mutely , hepless to do snything about it.
I had 2 choices .If i had worn those glasses i would have had my revenge on my controllers.tit for tat.Revenge is a powerful emotion specially for a person constantly harrassed, provoked , needled and armtwisted against my will and my ordinary nature .It had even blinded my own belief that sacred deities must be seen in person to derive spiritual benifits .Sinmce the glasses were provided by them the burden of any sacrilege to te mucn venertaed deity must be borne by them and not me.And if i didnt i would be respecting the beliefs of my anscetors ,siants, and kings of yore and also not hurt thesentiments of devotees in the preesnt day,though only a few mayknow of it.. I chose not to By that one gesture of wearing glasses i would haveshattered the belief , and faith the long list of devotees in past had so sincerely reposed on this particular deity as well as countless devotees in the present who visit with deep faith .
A goat is bleating .Were my emotions constantly kindled for past few weeks for some one in power to emote on d day --15 th?Is it emotional evidence at even an deeper and painful levelstill continuing?The kurals suggested so. What a irony!I had deraly wished for a change in regime so that the next leadr would be a strong one relying solely upon his or her own views , instincts and confidence in processing the available information obtained by normal methods and thus relieve me of the burden i have been forced to carry for past two years ,that of my sub conscious being torn open mercilessly and protect me and also thus free me like a true leader and allow me to lead a free and normal life.
Just what is so special about me?Whatever i am losing hair, bp is rising and have lost interest in all those small pleasures like shopping, watching tv, hearing to music and reading story books which made my life livable and made me pick up the threads .
In ordinary course of life , interest shown by the powerful would be flattering but when it is not open , such a interest it is more like a punishment for being what i am.
Note: i had determined not to stoke fear in other communities with my blogs but i am constrained to write this out as i fear for my own family's safety and also try to get rid of the constant tapping which is sapping me out by blogging my privations.
.
Everything was dim as i had left my spy glasses in the lodge.
as i gazed with my dim eyesight i could feel anger and bitterness course through me for being fixed . my grand father a Hindu who found strength to agitate and send away the mightiest power on earth then standing before the very sacred deity-Srinivasar sanctified within?Didn't he , my father and their fathers and mothers before them stand before this sacred deity praying for strength having absolute faith in the deity?,
Is it sheer politics that made his grand daughter wear those glasses and stain age old traditions ?
If this is the doings of a Hindu ,how can a Hindu ,or even an atheist not care for spiritual sentiments?My grand father was a politician and he may have had some tricks of trade of a politician but i am sure that he could have never found it within him to trade age old sanctity, heritage and faith of this most sacred deity for few political gains.I doubt whether even under alien rule we would have been forced to do so whereas i under native/hindu rule had been used without my knowledge,to do what is considered as sacrilegious by many hindus [without their knowledge ,yet fraud has been played upon them] and even when i have been made aware of those wretched glasses last month e same sate of affairs continues and the onus or trap is on me to uphold traditions or face the flak.
My grand father's task was easier than mine.He had to struggle only against foreigners who in no way intruded into his religious sentiments and spiritual beliefs.Whereas i am forced to be on alert against enemies who are on face of it of my own religion and belief's!His enemies had a face and showed themselves plainly as rival or enemies but mine do not have a face nor do they reveal their identity.
Maybe it was the work of adjustment experts to show how a Hindu's religious sentiments can be hurt by other Hindu's in power.Maybe this line of thinking was a suggestion put in me to kindle revenge in me .Earlier a suggestion was also put in me that those glasses was for my security and that if i divested them ,i ll be putting myself ad everyone else in a security nightmare.
As i write this diary on 15 8.14 morning recounting my emotions on 13.8.14.evening i feel that whenever i lament at my state of affairs a success is got hence i decided not to write it out on that evening and thus cut off such victory and discourage such selfish political schemes .I saw and heard our pm/speech on tv and here i am writing it all out
In the onward train journey i had fortified myself with ear plugs in bid to escape jamming ,having experienced intolerable pressures whilst going in trains in the past 2 years, the maximum being in a trip to nearby city a month or two back and on a earlier trip from a temple city in tn ,which was one and a half year back.
Heard the film song , this is my country,it touched me deeply and i felt my frustration at my constant shackling in my country i have roamed freely and of late the fear that if i dint please some one i had it ,fall away .This coupled with my age old ties to the temple town and the temple made me angry .i am from a family that is part and parcel of this land /bharat for centuries.Yes of course that at times i live in the past and not in the present realities has given meat for some one to control me.Whether i live in past or in present what gives any one the right to control me thus? so shadily and illegally curtailing my freedom? .
As i sat snatching glimpses of the fountain amidst devotees walking around eating chenna otr taking photos in a picnic like atmosphere , and listening to the devotional songs being played ,the vision of my anscestors whom i can trace upto 1857,as well as countless kings , saints ,acharyas paying thier humble obseince before the deity passed before my eyes .As also the mute hurt in the arm twisted Brahnmin priests eyes i have been seeing for past 2 yeras when ever i visit temples ,some of whom can trace thier devotion to the deaty and this particular deity to nealy 50 generations otr more passed through my eyes.
Fury at being fixed made me boil ,seking revenge!Why not wera those galsses and take revenge on my controllers? TIT for tat.Revenge is a powerful emotion specially for a person who has been constsnty arrased like me wiyhout any resaon .It had even blinded my own belef that sacred and anient deities must be seen in person and since the glasses were provided by the controlers the burden of or guilt f cmmitting sacrilege to such a ancient and pwerfuldeity has to be borne by htem and not me.
just like those founain s throwing water in the air with great force and then coming down gently to drench those venerated symblos i knew that i couldnt take revenge --Maybe it is the norm that any vip visits , security cameras will be switched on even within the sanctum . The need of the times when many a politicians life is under threat. But i am not a vip though a threat was made known to me indirectly .And i siad looking at the shimmering golden vimanum --I movingly requested Vishnu to help me in the manner he helped a elephant cuaght in the jaws of acrocodile which finally sought his help after waging afutile long and exhausting battle on its own .I bade godbye to my desire to take revenge then and there itself by shifting te burden of avenging the humiliations i am made ti suffer to Nrayanas protective and speedy presence riding aloft Garuda with a Chakra in his hands .I said softly to myself 'Go to hell all of you and politicians '
I felt the sae headiness ad the great relief i felt when last month i gavea tenner to aold lady and felt that no human in power can ever ,ever equal the power of almighty and when he is therewhy to fera or subserve to human authority that is being clandestinely without any legal or even spiritual basis being imposed upon me.
The next day , on vid's 31 st birthday i did not wera those glasses and left them in the room itself ,though th etemple as quite some distance away. A bespectacled man's sigh f relef on seeing me nera the gates without the glasses on ,was very obvious even to my dim eyes.
The queue we were joined into was for those parents whose kids were i tera old .All of them had tonsured heads and cooing, gurgling and laughing. Didn't mind the distraction . i had earlier in the day meditaed on the terrace of my room over loking the temple..
A man in 30's barged in to this queue looking quite ot of pace and kept enquiring every one as ro where he could deposit ghis mobile.He said he ws in the defence services.Quite an odd intrusion .He left mid way.The q moved very quickly and i stood befoe te eity in no time at all! Ah,the peace and the sublime spiritual beauty radiated by srinivasar is beyong description.
A bulky security shioved me of roughly . I didnt mater at all. A deliberate 'humiliation' that only made me luagh.No anger .I saved so many devotees of srinivasar , past and present from humiliations and deep hurt which they would havre to swallow mutely , hepless to do snything about it.
I had 2 choices .If i had worn those glasses i would have had my revenge on my controllers.tit for tat.Revenge is a powerful emotion specially for a person constantly harrassed, provoked , needled and armtwisted against my will and my ordinary nature .It had even blinded my own belief that sacred deities must be seen in person to derive spiritual benifits .Sinmce the glasses were provided by them the burden of any sacrilege to te mucn venertaed deity must be borne by them and not me.And if i didnt i would be respecting the beliefs of my anscetors ,siants, and kings of yore and also not hurt thesentiments of devotees in the preesnt day,though only a few mayknow of it.. I chose not to By that one gesture of wearing glasses i would haveshattered the belief , and faith the long list of devotees in past had so sincerely reposed on this particular deity as well as countless devotees in the present who visit with deep faith .
A goat is bleating .Were my emotions constantly kindled for past few weeks for some one in power to emote on d day --15 th?Is it emotional evidence at even an deeper and painful levelstill continuing?The kurals suggested so. What a irony!I had deraly wished for a change in regime so that the next leadr would be a strong one relying solely upon his or her own views , instincts and confidence in processing the available information obtained by normal methods and thus relieve me of the burden i have been forced to carry for past two years ,that of my sub conscious being torn open mercilessly and protect me and also thus free me like a true leader and allow me to lead a free and normal life.
Just what is so special about me?Whatever i am losing hair, bp is rising and have lost interest in all those small pleasures like shopping, watching tv, hearing to music and reading story books which made my life livable and made me pick up the threads .
In ordinary course of life , interest shown by the powerful would be flattering but when it is not open , such a interest it is more like a punishment for being what i am.
Note: i had determined not to stoke fear in other communities with my blogs but i am constrained to write this out as i fear for my own family's safety and also try to get rid of the constant tapping which is sapping me out by blogging my privations.
.
posted by K.C. Sujata at
10:37 PM
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