Intelligence------19.7.14--7am.
Again woke up 3 am and just lay on bed .No good music was played in the transi which i keep away from my body after receiving some hints like a sudden sharp pain in my left ear to lie straight , fully covered and not to spread my legs even a little bit even if i want to air my legs or my back or sides , damp with sweat in this hot weather and never expose even an inch of my body through out the day[is it possible in a sari in one's own house where one tends to be casual?] Not to look at my hub's bright face when he comes in for dinner or argue ,discuss news or watch tv along with him .
i suppose casing is going on and i just know its workings sketchily having read about it in 2012 on net .How ever i can now understand the meaning of headaches, jabs in my body and pain in my ear.it is a warning that i am being cased .Specially after that 1 month of hell and back i am bit more aware and do not disregard the warnings...
Actually the same method of jabs,were employed during previous regime at centre [ i tend to think nationally and never locally, so i don't know as to who exactly was and is doing all this ]also but i just didn't understand its message.The same set that was working then is also working for the present.and the present one is more firm and determined to tackle the problem , may be due toidealogical differnces with local commies and fera of a very large country nearby.
How did i guess this casing? In our joint outings in evenings or on my own i get the signals mentioned above [really our intells are no les than any i suppose . Has off to the technology used, dedication and alertness. .it is quite amazing.though i am at the receiving end and being wrung like a sugar cane .The warnings are that i should avoid looking or staring at any one who is too lively and slightly feminine like pf as also at men with moushtache and tilak on thier heads or at short ad stocky clean shaven men all in 4o's.[the warnings have now 23.7.14.has changed ,it is now not to stare or smile at young men in 20's .All 3 bera resemblance to my neighbours in the apartments ,that i live.Two for along time and theother jut a few yeras back.So did i guess right? My flat is ib's or some such intels?My luck that i landed right into the hornets nest.
Switched on the ac and fell asleep listening to the sound of empty trucks driving down the street in southern direction .I remember several of them stationed in a long line yesterday night .Some what comforting .Like as if they would warn me of night time marauders swarming from southern side and would chase them away.I remember hazily that packs of dogs would face south and put up a terrific voley of barks excitedly at tis time of 3.30.am .3-330 in morn is held to be the ideal time for meditation in our traditions hence is known as the best time of the day.
Just who is in south?If it was us it ought to have been north or does it have shipsstationed in indian ocean? In southerly direction are the party offices of bjp, cpi and cpm.Walking distance.Since i am under the control of govt [i am reasoning since if al the noise around me is due to foreign affairs it is only the govt of india that has the right to take care and conduct it .it also explains why it was crucial that i had to join bjp .to give the ruling party which is the govt to control me ,my house and family members in a state ruled by another party .it is also a guess.].Those dogs must be barking at intruders viz comies .So what is so troublesome about local commies that i have to be guarded in this manner?Aernt they all in democratic process , winning and losing elections?Losing now.Or is it their affinity to poerful neghour --China who are more or less stone throw away say 300 -400 kms having parked themselves in Sri lanka or i watrs around it.or wait a minute are they right into india via their heavy investment in telecoms in the prvious regime?My room is bounded by two electric transformers of mes outside ,with one on north side whilst other is on the south side each on .i have no idea as to ow al this works ma just giving such info which i think is important for those who know about it to come to a conclusion .The mobile tower is a bit distant away.Is it chinese who are probing and sucking out my sdripted thoughts for political intelligence and are passing it on to commies in here and abroad?And bjp is not one bit pleased about of this and cong with its leftisdt leanings wasnt much too bothetred about this?
My left liberal upbringing and streaks are well known but so are a few of my streaks that are of a right . my hub is a right .The usual , ordinary type.So this is the cause of all this casings, warnings etc,that a sure unnatural death awaits me , my hub and my son at the hands of politicians .
It galls me that f nofautf mine except that to blog and write or my family who never read even a single blog of mine or mywritings should be at the teceiving end for some cad's misdeeds.
Herad foll kurals---
1.Know to talk within limits .--5 am
2.even when a mother is hungry a son should not feed her by looting others or by acts that are strictly prohibited by law and dharma.--6 am
3.If one doesnt act immediately a great loss is likely --7am --[this kura is played whenever i am lazy to blog my diary or when i postpone my visit to the party office .
4.It is better to forgo friendship of powerless instead make friendship with an enemy 's biggest enemy.
Confusing .What am i to do?Does it split like this ---
Powerless friends =liberals, enemies = commies -china leaning , enemy's arch rival = rights and specially the conservatives in rights .
So i have to disregard the fera of comies +their minority friends ire towards me and try and get involved in the party's activities ,even if it is just tokenism like visiting the premises often with the risk only to my life thus sparing the life of my hub, son and other relatives , like how so very many politicians do all over putting thier lives at risk whilst serving a party , more so bjp in here.--this is the warning i am making out.But there are thousands of people who atend party eeting and do party work all over india without any fera of doing so .so why am i being warned thus through hourly playing of ethical hymns and not openly .Fear mogering?pressure tactics to make me take part in political process to show to the world the workings of our democracy and also side by side ignore me and also threaten me .if threat is real then why is no one in authority is coming forward to inform me of threat i am supposed to be facing and from which quarter and then prepare me to face it openly or give me the necessary protection ?Instead of hints which i think includes playing of kural , with its hourly confusing advise, ominious silence, chiming of bells like as if the hour of our lives is drawing neraer and neraer..
Just now my nephew rang up reminding me that today being the 45 th day of his father's ritual asked his uncle --my hub who is out walking to attend it .A mute reminder?A warning?
sO this is the meaning behind the menacing chiming of bell every hour?when i visited party office on 15 th to to give my views kural stoped and vinayaka sloka was playedfor 2 days and then stopped. When kural was played i sort of knew all that which was happening around me but couldn't when only small slokas /hymns were played. And that was more scary.So it works out like this when par is in session i have to visit the office .once it is over i 'll be tortured , ignored and be left to die along with my family.It is our luck if we survive till the next session .Then again the stick will be used to make me mark my attendance in the diary, blog and party office.It is like as if there is a 'supari' to use hindi film language on our heads .And that it is but a matter of time and no matter what i do , request , appeal .write on and on and also blog an end like an accident to my son's life as well as our lives like heart failure to hub and and loss of my sanity is at hand.
I joined bjp in 2013 may and complained about the shady going ons .They said thier paryy workers would protest outside my ouse whereas i wanted it to be done in a quiet manner without publicity and shied away I was not involved in any activity of my liking like discussing public affairs, books etc or visit villages to collect iron or do some service over there either at party office or at the villages like free legal aid but was invited to paint the palm of a devotees with mehendi as a election campaign.So i kept away and during dec i was decidedly cold shouldered.The smiling sec became glum . Recently when par was not in session when i visited the premises in first of july with my head jammed the sec made me wait and rushed of saying after 5 his head would get jammed and his brain would clam up .A brush of.But later when par was in session as is now ,was welcomed by a beaming sec who said that i could write anything frankly even in my house and drop it in the office like a letter .I was given a glass of tea !He also got into a conversation with a attender that news paper must first come to him and then only two other eager leaders.Strange ,i guess it was for my ears.
Just what is going on?When par is on i 'll be welcome /once it is not ,i'll be treated like a leper, my hub's legs will swell swell and my son in the city of work will lose weight and more weight and become nervous.He has lost 15 kgs in few months and is very excited and restless unlike his cool and calm self. i am sure the intels , are driving him to this confidence less state.Why should we pay for some one else's fault, crime, traitorous deeds,and greed .Isn't the govt and its vast machinery capable of nabbing the real culprits instead of resorting to this quick fix ?It is like a police encounter, a subtle one ,but not of terrorists or hardened criminals but of innocent people..So this is the much fabled war on terrorism!
If the threats i am made to perceive are fake and a larger part of a strategy , ill eat my words .But what if it is not?That i and my family will be done away to put an end to a problem cretaed and fostetred by politicians both ruling and opposition.If at al the thretas are real i and my family are an example of how problems will be solved , -scant regard to procedure, humanity, democartic rights and liberties.
So what is thedifference from previous regime?Only that the minority head was a little more flexible to a hindu like me than the hindu heads seem to be towards a hindu and her hindu family.
9 am --kural ---A person who is intelligent, wise and easily accesible is a fit person to tae messages to a ruler f another country.--a diplomat/messenger
So what does it mean? That by writing , how a hindu woman like me is being tortured by a party that is considred to be overtly a hindu party i am removing the communal stain that party has ,since in actual practise as isin my case they are either torturing ort palin ignoring the plight of a hindu woman like me instead of rushing in to help me that to living in a flat along with muslims in amuslim area?[lest others misunderstand my mus flat inmates intentions ,they are jsut like any other flt inmate , involved in their lives like any of us]I have been complaigning since 2012 .Starategy? At what cost? My life? My hub's lif? My son's life?at out peace?
Whist previous regime used me to sow how non permissive our society is 'by purposefully spredaing rumours about my inasanity, free outlook and making me write about constant galres etc , i supose this regime whose many a stalwarts connived with trhat regime devious exploitation are putting my writings to this new strategy --that an party that is sen as tilted towards majority viz -hindu's are actually not so when in governance ,by blatantly ignoring my brain washing / conversion by either cionniving or remaining aloof .So that a message will go to my inatl viwwers that extreme faith in one's religuion will not be tlerated even if such persons commit no act of terrorism and is merely writing or e even redaing slokas or books on hindu /sri vaishnava philosophy that for herself and her family's personal peace privately as well as for thier spiritual uplitment. Specially the parts that deal with 'shastras, vedas'[some one is very alergic to ancient hindu scriptures over which our entire hindu religion is based upon] , re birth and karma the reading ban is in force for past 2 months .what more a certificate of 'pure secularism 'or rather conversion is needed than making me an educated and supposedly bold woman to stop reading books on hinduism in her own house in a country which is full of hinsdus and the only country which practises this religion .
May be i would have co opertyaed ,taking it in my stride like i did before if only i was threatened or humiliated .This time the lives f my nera ad dera onne's was threatened and that made me baulk and resist and gave in when i saw thier ill health before my eyes.
ok my activities yesterday ----Woke up at 4 am .kept away from open spaces .bathed eraly so as not to be cased ,.cooked .[is making me aware of being cased another strategy to blow up my slight paranoid tendencies to full flame?could be . my glasses are special .i feel more like aman weraing , it on the roads ,un accustomed manly interest in every passing women, .god knows how many man are watching me through them constantly either for stategy or make me lose all my feminie interests and make a full fledged man/nueter /lesbian, out of me.who knows?hope my son reads this when he is in his forties or fifties when i am not around and get to understand the miseries his mother was forced to face.]
Felt jammed .May be effect of blogging . time dragged Read news .sld i write my reaction ? why sid i get pulled into shoddy affairs of the world ? useles to me [except for the help rendered .i think it is insnatl community that saved my hubs life ].only more personal pain It was hot .had a nap at 2 pm felt tapping as i relaxed , i cried out inwardly leave my son tale me , cut me to pieces , kill me ,drive atruck over me , i have sen it all , he hasn't , finish me . Leave hin aline .leave trhem alone. I kept sruggling thus till 3.30 pm .then dressed and went off to shop for my birthday .A stern man pushed ashop help and tied a cardboard box firmy and yelled if you dont co opertae i will do it and throw this away.
as i came out ametro truck was dredging sewage from that shop felt terrific headache.couldnt decipher the cuase of head ache something to do with the truck and police?
As i fished pout tne change to pay for falls for sari saw that the purse didnot contain my house key's. i had left it in the house itself.Rang home .no answere.so decided to spend time till r will be back home ,in park and temple.Had money only to buy a water bottle .
Tried to relax ion th epark .Took off my glasses and realised how poor my sight was.Bright lights were dim .The sky reddened.Kids skated .lovers sat in benches .oldies sat or stroled around and a gentle breeze rustled through.Yet no peace.Mind kept chttering .late son's request came to mind' ma talk, talk '.I did but kept it short and low key then , .not even in my mind.i was content with others doing the talking .i just worked , read, watched tv,cinemas attended functions without ever finding the need to talk on and on ..
Now i am talking non stop .That to in my mind!He is not here to hear it but others are.Smiled wrily at the irony as i watched little white clods moving in th esky .Just which satilite was out there hidden behind those innocent white puffs, reading my chatter ,i wondered or even probing to get more?
a boy in teens called out his ware .i had just 10 rs left and i was hungry. he gave a generous helping of his delicious snack , for that .Felt satiated.
resisting my desire to curl up on the bench and have a nap[as my night sleeps are too short] i stretched my legs and started to meditate closing my eyes with the glasses on my dear dad came up The commie/left liberal father , bright and kind.just as my reaction was in real life i was happy and thrilled to see him but requested and begged him 'father i am not you . , i have to be myself .please understand ' He left and i opened my eyes startled.was i being hypnotised or cased ?some thing to do with the glasses i was wearing and sitting and relaxing in the open?
Then visited the temple .screen drawn as soon as i entered .Naturally a hindu has to be humiliated to retain the stamp of secularism .political gamesthat dont irritate me any more.got used. Then sat outside and meditated.outside and ate th epiping hot prasadam .whilst queuing up felt i was beig cased.Then had a good darshan.
Came home walking slowly and reached home at 8.30.pm.
10 am kural--'minister should not whisper in another persons ears in front of a ruler.'
R is asking me to stop writing this and get ready to attend the ceremony.and i told him that i had to write it for our own safety.the kural was played just then .a link? who is the ruler? state or centre?
o.k will continue later as r threw this book and pen --obviously cased .he has quit behaving with me in such a dominating manner since he quit his job and even became more silently resigned to my delay's etc after our bereavement 7 years back.
tok bath in darkened interioirs of the bathroom with r chaffing at my stupidity for dong so.So do i .just how can a 40 yera old caser slobber over my sagging body?It is not possible ion real life but maybe in casing world .so all this stupid purdah like behaviour in my own house with just another member around[r] it is just in case.And who knows as to how many brutes are watching ?Maybe it is no big thing for men to do so but for me the natural shyness to exposure and discomfort at being stared at all the wrong places in what i think is my moment of privacy will never leave how much ever i steel myself to ignore it and even dare to act in a manner which i know will provoke the straight laced [tho' i have stopped provoking deligberately with my body now since i am sort of understanding the seriousness of the situation with things get murkier and nastier day by day] or become older and blase .
I write such details deliberately in shocking frankness so that people will sit up and take notice .other wise no one would and would dismiss me as a staid writer and a mere chronicler.
ok bnack to yesterday.r hadnt come so sat on steps.cast back my mind and remembered seeing a lot of old and frail ladies with white hair being helped around by young women .saw one at the cloth shop also.
Kural now at 3 pm.
Al wil ill treta even good people who have no wealth but treta with respect even evil one's who posses a lot of wealth.
ok as i sat , neigh son in his 30's came ad parked his bike.just as i tought of greeting him ,was atacked by headaches that i turned mt head away.obeying the signals.hoping that it was for my good to do so.r came soon after .whilst rehashing dinner i ferlt terribly short changed and stated to rant , strating from the very top --us presi then rus presi and then to our netas as i strongly suspect my forcible role in innatl diplomacy .My point being , all you political leaders do what you like , just don't drag me into it .
I also mentioned that wan loking boy and commented that it was apity that he had to work for a living whilst studying .R said what is there? his mother is cooking and he is helping the family kitty in his spare time.anything wrong?His family's economic status is such that he has to help.He will also meet people like you who'l pay the fees and help him in his life which otherwise he may not .I thought yes even in rich countries of west boys do eran money by delivering papers .The typical practical and business outlook.money counts.But to people like me with father and reels working only as bureacrats , money making apart from a regular salary of a office job can never be imagined.,digested or honoured.
No wonder that kural was played at 3 pm.
god sleep.Morn started dairy writing fro 7 till 10 am.Then attended the 45 th day ceremony .swa a car with govt of india whilst going at front.whilst returning also saw a van with govt of india wordings at front which took a 'left' turn and our auto driver neraly crashed the auto against a median when i wondered if there was any symbolism in the left turn that vehicle took..
Earlier i related my harrsment for past 2 yeras to reels [reels=relatives] ,when i broached the subject of not so moderate rights reading my blogs ,encountered fierce glare fro one such to shut up .i did.As i saw that left turn i wondered whetheri am also being made an eg to those nsmr activists , sympathisers etc, my viwwers that if they contd with their controversial writings and activities ,the same fate like mine awaits them , from the very govt and persons they may have put tp power .That the govt or party will not come to thier aid .whatever they indulge in is at thier own peril and if they cross a limit they may evemn be forcibly brain washed or jammed [or if conversion takes place will not bother about it ] so that they may lose their extreme tendencies and fal in line of moderates .This message i guess is only to hindus .i guess once again , only a guess by a party that has ben voted to power largely by centrists and centre rights .
if it is so it is highly unfair thing to do to me .a soft target whilst the real toughies can never be so arm twisted nor be made to develop a cold feet on reading about my plight or may be even seeing or hearing about it.But the fact that several activists did join a party after my brainwashing cun jamming cum conversion attempts makes me feel that may be strategy did work .But again why should i be the scape goat?Why should my family pay the price of chipping away extremism in activists totally unconnected with us and our lives?I do have a duty towards our country but it doesnt extend to laying down my famuily 's life or my life so that those who are born and brought up in adifferent school of thought that is not averse to using vuiolence , unlike me , will be nudged , influenced by me whose broad views . only some views are similar to bjp'sbut will not actually fight for them or do the ground work but that i would fight for my right to practise my religion or blog some hymns and mantras and philosophy when i am sure that it is my personal right to do so and further sure that i wasnot deliberately offending or hurting others religious belefs , as i probably did in 2012 by putting up a fight for two months viz april -june and wasnt one bit scared of my muslim neigh as i knew that i never hurt them deliberately so as to invite thier ire . if at all the miniscule few who knew of my blogging may have got scared of my followers on net but not of me .that is for sure. But the 2 long yera sof harrsment and recently the threats, some of it coming true and constant jamming , casing has changed me and hence decided to drop writing about hinduism as well as my frank views on public affairs .Only a super man or woman can withstand such prolonged sustained torture without succumbing.
I remember few days back on a full moon day when i was slipping into a dream after i took a pill prescribed by ent as i wanted to sleep , was woken up by dogs barking at 3 am .the watch man below was heraing music ,i took it as a cue and switched on transi .Herad a long list of tamil film songs that dealt with religion and its extremism.first song was from dasaavataram 'om nmao narayana'---of inner beyaty of self, followed by one on beauty of christ, foll by one on veera saivas valour , foll by one on kindness of murugan foll by those on pranks of krishna .Probably to keep me awake till dawn and also give a message.That i am being attacked for my deep faith in sri vaishnavism .Vaisnhnavism combines socilaism with love and affection for all .but is a strict in its faith of adherence to only one god Narayana , the bhagwan revered by vedas, upanishads ,gitsa epics,puranas and so on .They were all played in amazingly quick succesion whoch even in my dizzy state made me marvel at th equick thinking and knowledge f music unless it wasnt alreday planned and kept reday.
Frankly if it is life and death to my nera one's and if it is the result of my inflexible beliefs or beliefs that on the face of it appear to be inflexible , like when i had a prathana done before the adi parasakthi amman next door at height of my 2 months lng torture tho a true sri vaishnavaite should never even look at another deity or god and dropped my tributes into the hundi no sooner did i feel that the streo fonic sound torture had come to an end and amman had seen me through just as srinivasa at tirupati had to whom also i made a prartahana and fulfilled it at the end of those awful 2 months.
If my commitment to my faith is the problem i will naturally relax my grip and my inborn deep faith though i can't see as to how it is affecting anyone as no one has come in open to inform me ,not a single person , as things stand or even spoken a word about it to me or requested me to stop blogging etc without resorting to shady tricks and threats , to distract me from deeper readings into hinduism and blogging it .for some weeks even reading at home without even blogging it was prohibited .why this veil of secrecy? i guess it is to do with my altruistic nature that has been exploited for too long by delusional control that it has assumed such proportions that the victim has to pay the price for the greed of others.. who is such a fearsome foe? why can't it let be?
Kural at 5 --a good army is one which will understand enemies freign country'e strategy and defeta it with a betterv strategy.
so some gain from my writings?or those in know have understood what i am relating is something to do with fgn affairs, diploand enemies?
fine now save me , dont abandon us for the country , country, country.we are not soldiers but ordinary citizens
kural at 7 pm---A soldier will consider a day gone waste if he is not wounded in a battle with the enemy.
A half deafperson came carrying his daughters horoscope saying that he worked in telecom --l and left.
Wasn't china given huge investment in telecom by previous regime?Is he suggesting that China is the enemy that is probing and sucking my thoughts?Who knows? only those ion know of things. mine is just links and guess work.
The place where i live is te constituency of former telecom minister.If present cm wouldnt have called the former cm a traitor few weeks back , after a blog of mine lamenting at the rationale behind hounding a victim in a in natl plot, i would have never made the connection between my very public diary /house/thoughts to former cm's active involvment or conniavance .
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i suppose casing is going on and i just know its workings sketchily having read about it in 2012 on net .How ever i can now understand the meaning of headaches, jabs in my body and pain in my ear.it is a warning that i am being cased .Specially after that 1 month of hell and back i am bit more aware and do not disregard the warnings...
Actually the same method of jabs,were employed during previous regime at centre [ i tend to think nationally and never locally, so i don't know as to who exactly was and is doing all this ]also but i just didn't understand its message.The same set that was working then is also working for the present.and the present one is more firm and determined to tackle the problem , may be due toidealogical differnces with local commies and fera of a very large country nearby.
How did i guess this casing? In our joint outings in evenings or on my own i get the signals mentioned above [really our intells are no les than any i suppose . Has off to the technology used, dedication and alertness. .it is quite amazing.though i am at the receiving end and being wrung like a sugar cane .The warnings are that i should avoid looking or staring at any one who is too lively and slightly feminine like pf as also at men with moushtache and tilak on thier heads or at short ad stocky clean shaven men all in 4o's.[the warnings have now 23.7.14.has changed ,it is now not to stare or smile at young men in 20's .All 3 bera resemblance to my neighbours in the apartments ,that i live.Two for along time and theother jut a few yeras back.So did i guess right? My flat is ib's or some such intels?My luck that i landed right into the hornets nest.
Switched on the ac and fell asleep listening to the sound of empty trucks driving down the street in southern direction .I remember several of them stationed in a long line yesterday night .Some what comforting .Like as if they would warn me of night time marauders swarming from southern side and would chase them away.I remember hazily that packs of dogs would face south and put up a terrific voley of barks excitedly at tis time of 3.30.am .3-330 in morn is held to be the ideal time for meditation in our traditions hence is known as the best time of the day.
Just who is in south?If it was us it ought to have been north or does it have shipsstationed in indian ocean? In southerly direction are the party offices of bjp, cpi and cpm.Walking distance.Since i am under the control of govt [i am reasoning since if al the noise around me is due to foreign affairs it is only the govt of india that has the right to take care and conduct it .it also explains why it was crucial that i had to join bjp .to give the ruling party which is the govt to control me ,my house and family members in a state ruled by another party .it is also a guess.].Those dogs must be barking at intruders viz comies .So what is so troublesome about local commies that i have to be guarded in this manner?Aernt they all in democratic process , winning and losing elections?Losing now.Or is it their affinity to poerful neghour --China who are more or less stone throw away say 300 -400 kms having parked themselves in Sri lanka or i watrs around it.or wait a minute are they right into india via their heavy investment in telecoms in the prvious regime?My room is bounded by two electric transformers of mes outside ,with one on north side whilst other is on the south side each on .i have no idea as to ow al this works ma just giving such info which i think is important for those who know about it to come to a conclusion .The mobile tower is a bit distant away.Is it chinese who are probing and sucking out my sdripted thoughts for political intelligence and are passing it on to commies in here and abroad?And bjp is not one bit pleased about of this and cong with its leftisdt leanings wasnt much too bothetred about this?
My left liberal upbringing and streaks are well known but so are a few of my streaks that are of a right . my hub is a right .The usual , ordinary type.So this is the cause of all this casings, warnings etc,that a sure unnatural death awaits me , my hub and my son at the hands of politicians .
It galls me that f nofautf mine except that to blog and write or my family who never read even a single blog of mine or mywritings should be at the teceiving end for some cad's misdeeds.
Herad foll kurals---
1.Know to talk within limits .--5 am
2.even when a mother is hungry a son should not feed her by looting others or by acts that are strictly prohibited by law and dharma.--6 am
3.If one doesnt act immediately a great loss is likely --7am --[this kura is played whenever i am lazy to blog my diary or when i postpone my visit to the party office .
4.It is better to forgo friendship of powerless instead make friendship with an enemy 's biggest enemy.
Confusing .What am i to do?Does it split like this ---
Powerless friends =liberals, enemies = commies -china leaning , enemy's arch rival = rights and specially the conservatives in rights .
So i have to disregard the fera of comies +their minority friends ire towards me and try and get involved in the party's activities ,even if it is just tokenism like visiting the premises often with the risk only to my life thus sparing the life of my hub, son and other relatives , like how so very many politicians do all over putting thier lives at risk whilst serving a party , more so bjp in here.--this is the warning i am making out.But there are thousands of people who atend party eeting and do party work all over india without any fera of doing so .so why am i being warned thus through hourly playing of ethical hymns and not openly .Fear mogering?pressure tactics to make me take part in political process to show to the world the workings of our democracy and also side by side ignore me and also threaten me .if threat is real then why is no one in authority is coming forward to inform me of threat i am supposed to be facing and from which quarter and then prepare me to face it openly or give me the necessary protection ?Instead of hints which i think includes playing of kural , with its hourly confusing advise, ominious silence, chiming of bells like as if the hour of our lives is drawing neraer and neraer..
Just now my nephew rang up reminding me that today being the 45 th day of his father's ritual asked his uncle --my hub who is out walking to attend it .A mute reminder?A warning?
sO this is the meaning behind the menacing chiming of bell every hour?when i visited party office on 15 th to to give my views kural stoped and vinayaka sloka was playedfor 2 days and then stopped. When kural was played i sort of knew all that which was happening around me but couldn't when only small slokas /hymns were played. And that was more scary.So it works out like this when par is in session i have to visit the office .once it is over i 'll be tortured , ignored and be left to die along with my family.It is our luck if we survive till the next session .Then again the stick will be used to make me mark my attendance in the diary, blog and party office.It is like as if there is a 'supari' to use hindi film language on our heads .And that it is but a matter of time and no matter what i do , request , appeal .write on and on and also blog an end like an accident to my son's life as well as our lives like heart failure to hub and and loss of my sanity is at hand.
I joined bjp in 2013 may and complained about the shady going ons .They said thier paryy workers would protest outside my ouse whereas i wanted it to be done in a quiet manner without publicity and shied away I was not involved in any activity of my liking like discussing public affairs, books etc or visit villages to collect iron or do some service over there either at party office or at the villages like free legal aid but was invited to paint the palm of a devotees with mehendi as a election campaign.So i kept away and during dec i was decidedly cold shouldered.The smiling sec became glum . Recently when par was not in session when i visited the premises in first of july with my head jammed the sec made me wait and rushed of saying after 5 his head would get jammed and his brain would clam up .A brush of.But later when par was in session as is now ,was welcomed by a beaming sec who said that i could write anything frankly even in my house and drop it in the office like a letter .I was given a glass of tea !He also got into a conversation with a attender that news paper must first come to him and then only two other eager leaders.Strange ,i guess it was for my ears.
Just what is going on?When par is on i 'll be welcome /once it is not ,i'll be treated like a leper, my hub's legs will swell swell and my son in the city of work will lose weight and more weight and become nervous.He has lost 15 kgs in few months and is very excited and restless unlike his cool and calm self. i am sure the intels , are driving him to this confidence less state.Why should we pay for some one else's fault, crime, traitorous deeds,and greed .Isn't the govt and its vast machinery capable of nabbing the real culprits instead of resorting to this quick fix ?It is like a police encounter, a subtle one ,but not of terrorists or hardened criminals but of innocent people..So this is the much fabled war on terrorism!
If the threats i am made to perceive are fake and a larger part of a strategy , ill eat my words .But what if it is not?That i and my family will be done away to put an end to a problem cretaed and fostetred by politicians both ruling and opposition.If at al the thretas are real i and my family are an example of how problems will be solved , -scant regard to procedure, humanity, democartic rights and liberties.
So what is thedifference from previous regime?Only that the minority head was a little more flexible to a hindu like me than the hindu heads seem to be towards a hindu and her hindu family.
9 am --kural ---A person who is intelligent, wise and easily accesible is a fit person to tae messages to a ruler f another country.--a diplomat/messenger
So what does it mean? That by writing , how a hindu woman like me is being tortured by a party that is considred to be overtly a hindu party i am removing the communal stain that party has ,since in actual practise as isin my case they are either torturing ort palin ignoring the plight of a hindu woman like me instead of rushing in to help me that to living in a flat along with muslims in amuslim area?[lest others misunderstand my mus flat inmates intentions ,they are jsut like any other flt inmate , involved in their lives like any of us]I have been complaigning since 2012 .Starategy? At what cost? My life? My hub's lif? My son's life?at out peace?
Whist previous regime used me to sow how non permissive our society is 'by purposefully spredaing rumours about my inasanity, free outlook and making me write about constant galres etc , i supose this regime whose many a stalwarts connived with trhat regime devious exploitation are putting my writings to this new strategy --that an party that is sen as tilted towards majority viz -hindu's are actually not so when in governance ,by blatantly ignoring my brain washing / conversion by either cionniving or remaining aloof .So that a message will go to my inatl viwwers that extreme faith in one's religuion will not be tlerated even if such persons commit no act of terrorism and is merely writing or e even redaing slokas or books on hindu /sri vaishnava philosophy that for herself and her family's personal peace privately as well as for thier spiritual uplitment. Specially the parts that deal with 'shastras, vedas'[some one is very alergic to ancient hindu scriptures over which our entire hindu religion is based upon] , re birth and karma the reading ban is in force for past 2 months .what more a certificate of 'pure secularism 'or rather conversion is needed than making me an educated and supposedly bold woman to stop reading books on hinduism in her own house in a country which is full of hinsdus and the only country which practises this religion .
May be i would have co opertyaed ,taking it in my stride like i did before if only i was threatened or humiliated .This time the lives f my nera ad dera onne's was threatened and that made me baulk and resist and gave in when i saw thier ill health before my eyes.
ok my activities yesterday ----Woke up at 4 am .kept away from open spaces .bathed eraly so as not to be cased ,.cooked .[is making me aware of being cased another strategy to blow up my slight paranoid tendencies to full flame?could be . my glasses are special .i feel more like aman weraing , it on the roads ,un accustomed manly interest in every passing women, .god knows how many man are watching me through them constantly either for stategy or make me lose all my feminie interests and make a full fledged man/nueter /lesbian, out of me.who knows?hope my son reads this when he is in his forties or fifties when i am not around and get to understand the miseries his mother was forced to face.]
Felt jammed .May be effect of blogging . time dragged Read news .sld i write my reaction ? why sid i get pulled into shoddy affairs of the world ? useles to me [except for the help rendered .i think it is insnatl community that saved my hubs life ].only more personal pain It was hot .had a nap at 2 pm felt tapping as i relaxed , i cried out inwardly leave my son tale me , cut me to pieces , kill me ,drive atruck over me , i have sen it all , he hasn't , finish me . Leave hin aline .leave trhem alone. I kept sruggling thus till 3.30 pm .then dressed and went off to shop for my birthday .A stern man pushed ashop help and tied a cardboard box firmy and yelled if you dont co opertae i will do it and throw this away.
as i came out ametro truck was dredging sewage from that shop felt terrific headache.couldnt decipher the cuase of head ache something to do with the truck and police?
As i fished pout tne change to pay for falls for sari saw that the purse didnot contain my house key's. i had left it in the house itself.Rang home .no answere.so decided to spend time till r will be back home ,in park and temple.Had money only to buy a water bottle .
Tried to relax ion th epark .Took off my glasses and realised how poor my sight was.Bright lights were dim .The sky reddened.Kids skated .lovers sat in benches .oldies sat or stroled around and a gentle breeze rustled through.Yet no peace.Mind kept chttering .late son's request came to mind' ma talk, talk '.I did but kept it short and low key then , .not even in my mind.i was content with others doing the talking .i just worked , read, watched tv,cinemas attended functions without ever finding the need to talk on and on ..
Now i am talking non stop .That to in my mind!He is not here to hear it but others are.Smiled wrily at the irony as i watched little white clods moving in th esky .Just which satilite was out there hidden behind those innocent white puffs, reading my chatter ,i wondered or even probing to get more?
a boy in teens called out his ware .i had just 10 rs left and i was hungry. he gave a generous helping of his delicious snack , for that .Felt satiated.
resisting my desire to curl up on the bench and have a nap[as my night sleeps are too short] i stretched my legs and started to meditate closing my eyes with the glasses on my dear dad came up The commie/left liberal father , bright and kind.just as my reaction was in real life i was happy and thrilled to see him but requested and begged him 'father i am not you . , i have to be myself .please understand ' He left and i opened my eyes startled.was i being hypnotised or cased ?some thing to do with the glasses i was wearing and sitting and relaxing in the open?
Then visited the temple .screen drawn as soon as i entered .Naturally a hindu has to be humiliated to retain the stamp of secularism .political gamesthat dont irritate me any more.got used. Then sat outside and meditated.outside and ate th epiping hot prasadam .whilst queuing up felt i was beig cased.Then had a good darshan.
Came home walking slowly and reached home at 8.30.pm.
10 am kural--'minister should not whisper in another persons ears in front of a ruler.'
R is asking me to stop writing this and get ready to attend the ceremony.and i told him that i had to write it for our own safety.the kural was played just then .a link? who is the ruler? state or centre?
o.k will continue later as r threw this book and pen --obviously cased .he has quit behaving with me in such a dominating manner since he quit his job and even became more silently resigned to my delay's etc after our bereavement 7 years back.
tok bath in darkened interioirs of the bathroom with r chaffing at my stupidity for dong so.So do i .just how can a 40 yera old caser slobber over my sagging body?It is not possible ion real life but maybe in casing world .so all this stupid purdah like behaviour in my own house with just another member around[r] it is just in case.And who knows as to how many brutes are watching ?Maybe it is no big thing for men to do so but for me the natural shyness to exposure and discomfort at being stared at all the wrong places in what i think is my moment of privacy will never leave how much ever i steel myself to ignore it and even dare to act in a manner which i know will provoke the straight laced [tho' i have stopped provoking deligberately with my body now since i am sort of understanding the seriousness of the situation with things get murkier and nastier day by day] or become older and blase .
I write such details deliberately in shocking frankness so that people will sit up and take notice .other wise no one would and would dismiss me as a staid writer and a mere chronicler.
ok bnack to yesterday.r hadnt come so sat on steps.cast back my mind and remembered seeing a lot of old and frail ladies with white hair being helped around by young women .saw one at the cloth shop also.
Kural now at 3 pm.
Al wil ill treta even good people who have no wealth but treta with respect even evil one's who posses a lot of wealth.
ok as i sat , neigh son in his 30's came ad parked his bike.just as i tought of greeting him ,was atacked by headaches that i turned mt head away.obeying the signals.hoping that it was for my good to do so.r came soon after .whilst rehashing dinner i ferlt terribly short changed and stated to rant , strating from the very top --us presi then rus presi and then to our netas as i strongly suspect my forcible role in innatl diplomacy .My point being , all you political leaders do what you like , just don't drag me into it .
I also mentioned that wan loking boy and commented that it was apity that he had to work for a living whilst studying .R said what is there? his mother is cooking and he is helping the family kitty in his spare time.anything wrong?His family's economic status is such that he has to help.He will also meet people like you who'l pay the fees and help him in his life which otherwise he may not .I thought yes even in rich countries of west boys do eran money by delivering papers .The typical practical and business outlook.money counts.But to people like me with father and reels working only as bureacrats , money making apart from a regular salary of a office job can never be imagined.,digested or honoured.
No wonder that kural was played at 3 pm.
god sleep.Morn started dairy writing fro 7 till 10 am.Then attended the 45 th day ceremony .swa a car with govt of india whilst going at front.whilst returning also saw a van with govt of india wordings at front which took a 'left' turn and our auto driver neraly crashed the auto against a median when i wondered if there was any symbolism in the left turn that vehicle took..
Earlier i related my harrsment for past 2 yeras to reels [reels=relatives] ,when i broached the subject of not so moderate rights reading my blogs ,encountered fierce glare fro one such to shut up .i did.As i saw that left turn i wondered whetheri am also being made an eg to those nsmr activists , sympathisers etc, my viwwers that if they contd with their controversial writings and activities ,the same fate like mine awaits them , from the very govt and persons they may have put tp power .That the govt or party will not come to thier aid .whatever they indulge in is at thier own peril and if they cross a limit they may evemn be forcibly brain washed or jammed [or if conversion takes place will not bother about it ] so that they may lose their extreme tendencies and fal in line of moderates .This message i guess is only to hindus .i guess once again , only a guess by a party that has ben voted to power largely by centrists and centre rights .
if it is so it is highly unfair thing to do to me .a soft target whilst the real toughies can never be so arm twisted nor be made to develop a cold feet on reading about my plight or may be even seeing or hearing about it.But the fact that several activists did join a party after my brainwashing cun jamming cum conversion attempts makes me feel that may be strategy did work .But again why should i be the scape goat?Why should my family pay the price of chipping away extremism in activists totally unconnected with us and our lives?I do have a duty towards our country but it doesnt extend to laying down my famuily 's life or my life so that those who are born and brought up in adifferent school of thought that is not averse to using vuiolence , unlike me , will be nudged , influenced by me whose broad views . only some views are similar to bjp'sbut will not actually fight for them or do the ground work but that i would fight for my right to practise my religion or blog some hymns and mantras and philosophy when i am sure that it is my personal right to do so and further sure that i wasnot deliberately offending or hurting others religious belefs , as i probably did in 2012 by putting up a fight for two months viz april -june and wasnt one bit scared of my muslim neigh as i knew that i never hurt them deliberately so as to invite thier ire . if at all the miniscule few who knew of my blogging may have got scared of my followers on net but not of me .that is for sure. But the 2 long yera sof harrsment and recently the threats, some of it coming true and constant jamming , casing has changed me and hence decided to drop writing about hinduism as well as my frank views on public affairs .Only a super man or woman can withstand such prolonged sustained torture without succumbing.
I remember few days back on a full moon day when i was slipping into a dream after i took a pill prescribed by ent as i wanted to sleep , was woken up by dogs barking at 3 am .the watch man below was heraing music ,i took it as a cue and switched on transi .Herad a long list of tamil film songs that dealt with religion and its extremism.first song was from dasaavataram 'om nmao narayana'---of inner beyaty of self, followed by one on beauty of christ, foll by one on veera saivas valour , foll by one on kindness of murugan foll by those on pranks of krishna .Probably to keep me awake till dawn and also give a message.That i am being attacked for my deep faith in sri vaishnavism .Vaisnhnavism combines socilaism with love and affection for all .but is a strict in its faith of adherence to only one god Narayana , the bhagwan revered by vedas, upanishads ,gitsa epics,puranas and so on .They were all played in amazingly quick succesion whoch even in my dizzy state made me marvel at th equick thinking and knowledge f music unless it wasnt alreday planned and kept reday.
Frankly if it is life and death to my nera one's and if it is the result of my inflexible beliefs or beliefs that on the face of it appear to be inflexible , like when i had a prathana done before the adi parasakthi amman next door at height of my 2 months lng torture tho a true sri vaishnavaite should never even look at another deity or god and dropped my tributes into the hundi no sooner did i feel that the streo fonic sound torture had come to an end and amman had seen me through just as srinivasa at tirupati had to whom also i made a prartahana and fulfilled it at the end of those awful 2 months.
If my commitment to my faith is the problem i will naturally relax my grip and my inborn deep faith though i can't see as to how it is affecting anyone as no one has come in open to inform me ,not a single person , as things stand or even spoken a word about it to me or requested me to stop blogging etc without resorting to shady tricks and threats , to distract me from deeper readings into hinduism and blogging it .for some weeks even reading at home without even blogging it was prohibited .why this veil of secrecy? i guess it is to do with my altruistic nature that has been exploited for too long by delusional control that it has assumed such proportions that the victim has to pay the price for the greed of others.. who is such a fearsome foe? why can't it let be?
Kural at 5 --a good army is one which will understand enemies freign country'e strategy and defeta it with a betterv strategy.
so some gain from my writings?or those in know have understood what i am relating is something to do with fgn affairs, diploand enemies?
fine now save me , dont abandon us for the country , country, country.we are not soldiers but ordinary citizens
kural at 7 pm---A soldier will consider a day gone waste if he is not wounded in a battle with the enemy.
A half deafperson came carrying his daughters horoscope saying that he worked in telecom --l and left.
Wasn't china given huge investment in telecom by previous regime?Is he suggesting that China is the enemy that is probing and sucking my thoughts?Who knows? only those ion know of things. mine is just links and guess work.
The place where i live is te constituency of former telecom minister.If present cm wouldnt have called the former cm a traitor few weeks back , after a blog of mine lamenting at the rationale behind hounding a victim in a in natl plot, i would have never made the connection between my very public diary /house/thoughts to former cm's active involvment or conniavance .
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posted by K.C. Sujata at
5:38 AM
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