Fear most foul.-------4.7.14. 8 am.--Friday.From my diary
My dear diary ,
My hand is shaking as i write this .This is my present condition .All my confidence gone with fear tearing through my body .The fear of losing near and dear one's.
Let me go chronologically as and how i draw it out from my memory.
First the fear of losing my son was put i think after i wrote that long diary on 1.6.14.castigating newly elected political leaders .Castigating political leaders is something which i have never done before.I am guessing that my anger is something to do with the some sort of rays directed at the base of my spine when in abject frustration of the continuance of my illegal crazy house arrest like situation with no privacy even whilst using the toilet or bathroom which could be available even to a common prisoner in a cell made me deliberately use my body as a form of protest in my bathroom [as i had tried other legal ways out and none of them worked ] either the day before or on that very day [don't remember] and also show my rebellion at the continuing state of my being denied my right to property and right to enjoy it peacefully with full privacy like any and every citizen of this country is enjoying.I had got fed of having to put up with it for 2 years under the previous regime and was hoping that once the new one took over i 'll be freed immediately of my humiliating position .
The fear put in me was that since i called the new pm names in my diary my son's life was in danger from party cadres in the place of his work and there fore i must resign from it if i were to save his life .I had high fever and my body ached all over but i decided not to see a doctor since taking medicines could make me lose my alertness and lull me into a sense of false security.
I was in a dilemma whether to continue to be in the party or resign from it.My hub earlier had expressed the opinion in one of my earlier dilemmas prior to this incident[ borne out of the frustration of the continuance of intrusion into my privacy , which he still refuses to believe] that it is best if i stay on in this party since they are in command of most assets and it would be most foolish thing to leave a party that is in ascendancy. On 5 he was out of town and i was beset with the dilemma which was now laced heavily with fear and i landed in nearby house a long time resident and sought advise as to whether i should continue or not .He advised me to stay on if i wanted my son to get married and that i shouldn't get too involved in the party affairs as i have been only a house wife for past so many years and wasn't tough or ambitious enough to withstand the blood and gore which is part and parcel of politics and added that only god can save me from the situation i have landed in , of which he knows since he and his family were in the thick of it in the previous regime, but will not or cannot divulge .He also asked me to look at the positives in others and ignore the negatives.Curiously he went on say that since he studied in Christian institutions he more or less knew in the concepts and said isn't being born is itself a sin?I said no .As his wife wanted more on that i explained that as per hinduism being born as a human being is the top most and prized position conferred upon a living thing so that it may use this birth to perform only good deeds and thus attain the ultimate bliss.It is a chance given to a soul to free itself from the cycle of birth and death and obtain bliss.At this his wife nodded her head in satisfaction and seemed quite pleased at my explanation.!
He made it sound like this--That i have caught a tiger by its tail unwittingly and also under force, which i can neither hold nor let go off with peril to me and my family either way.That is i should be a member of the party but i need not take active part in it and just visit its premises once in a while and also not to blog or write any thing that is too critical of any one and write about the positives.
Any way my fear made me over look his advise and i dragged my heavy and aching body on 6.7.14 and walked unsteadily all the way since not a single auto was available and gave the sec my resignation letter as well as my primary card .The sec said that there was no concept of resigning from primary membership and asked me to just blog that i don't belong to any party without hurting any one.I came 3/4 th way back on foot and again returned to the office on foot as still no auto was available and asked him to keep my card .I was so scared that if anyone saw me put the card in its niche my continuing membership would provoke any one who could be so provoked.My son came home safely the next morn.
Earlier on 4.7.14.i had written a piece in my diary guessing with usual links i make from new items, blogs and from tv news and may be a little bit of suggestion as well from above floor that a cabinet rank minister was the one handling issues regarding civil society and there fore must have handled me also before the elections and was continuing to do so and he must refrain from doing so.here after and he must trust his leader's abilities. After writing it i was under tremendous pressure to blog it . I was weak and tired after long imposition writings .i also resented being arm twisted as to what i should publish and its timing . so i didn't.
In hind sight may be i should have . I f there is
a mystery around my b.ils death when he seemed to be making good progress in earlier weeks , right on 8 th of june a day before the first par session was to commence , i might have averted loss of life before time by blogging that piece.
I vaguely suspected foul play and was under tremendous pressure to castigate the new pm and our democracy .in my diary.As i do not like to be arm twisted i refused and i also reasoned that if i gave in to this emotional blackmail i 'll always be vulnerable to such suggestions and threats.whether real or fake.So i refused to burst out emotionally on my diary which i suspect is open to media world over.
Even if every one pretends that i am a non entity , may be i am in here but i know that i have inter national audience owing to my blogging and i didn't want to demean the position of pm and ministers when it was all set to address the parliament for the first time .moreover having watched and reading about most of the election campaigning through tv blogs and news after a gap of very many years, and taken in at the enthusiasm shown by nearly whole of India it made me remember my grand father's role in freedom movement and in drafting of the constitution and i just couldn't get myself to let my gf down by this act of resigning though forced upon me ,which would send signals that i was protesting against the very system my grand father so sincerely helped to create -in this case parliamentary democracy . I didn't want to disrespect his memory though much water has flowed since those days of idealism and sincerity.It was a tribute to him.
Hence on 10 th i took back my primary card which the sec had kept idling in his desk and then tweeted that i continued to be the member of bjp.
Actually i wanted to continue as member of the party .It was the fear that was put into me that made me resign .The fear continued though i either took control over it on that day 10 th or the control over me was loosened so that i may act as per my will and from the very next day as par session ended i started to delete my political status as fear gained control over me again.Then i decided to stay off the net , news etc as i thought that too much of news was jumbling my thoughts.I felt my mind to be constantly acted upon and my brain felt twisted .During this period i was made to do some sort of adjustments by talking [ i guess the bug is in the drawing room ] and also deleting some blogs and writing a few conciliatory ones . .
Thence forward the fear of losing my son was replaced by the fear of losing my husband if i didn't make my membership to the party clear..I held on as explained in my 2.7.14.diary from 10 --19 in the period of mourning.As a typical Hindu i wanted to rejoin the party only after the 13th day ceremony of my [scape goat?]b.il.the final day when normal life is resumed. But my husbands sick and fatigued look and a bloated body which he was dragging around and which kept getting worse day after day which made me announce my re entry on 11th day of the rituals viz 19 when the priest said that by sprinkling the water made sacred by reciting Vedic mantras would sanctify our house and all articles and all its inhabitants.Soon after sprinkling the sanctified water i tried to restore my profile in sujataism 2 which indicates my membership but by some quirk or manipulation i lost that page completely and i had to blog my profile as a post .i tried to restore the profile but couldn't .
on 13 th day as we ate the feast the wind splattered the half eaten food of my brothers leaf on to my face and hands .We were both shaken for a moment.On that day i was shown police vehicles and a van and car with the two central ministries names.
I felt that i had to do penance for announcing my decision to re enter the party before the 13 th day. And i didn't know how didn't have energy to seek priests advise . My twisting of mind and body as well as jamming my mind continued without a break for nearly 25 days -- 4 - 29, that gave me sleep less nights and listless days.i was dragging myself but did my house work and went for walks but lost total interest in tv net and news and avoided the noisy arguments at 9 pm on pvt channels tho' i did have a quick look at news, and watched dd and read only the two main newspapers --Either I was made to lose the inclination to write [handwork of securities ] or i was really determined not to write .This past 1 month has taught me that securities can be very tough if they are determined or ordered to and that they had been treating me with quite delicately all this while. . I remember that one night may be on 24 th i felt like as if a noose had tightened over my neck and i pleaded to the pm that if any one wanted to do away with me please ask them to do it painlessly by flushing chloroform through ac., One evening in those jumbled up days i heard pf talking loudly in his deliberately modulated lisp to the watchman to use the bore and metro pump alternately as the water was sinking rapidly and if the pumps were not switched off in time it would get burnt out and observed that the metro was getting dry fast and it was but matter of days and that there as nothing to worry about.I felt that this was directed towards me and that he was informing me of my imminent death in his cool manner.I found dark satire even in that terrible situation thinking how long it would take my brain that i felt had shrunk, to become like a peanut . Despite all this crude and harsh treatments the niggling guilt made me some how totter to a school weaving like a drunken person ,to donate.When i paid the 12 th std fees to a father less poor student of a school on 27 th i felt that i had done the penance and felt assuaged.
The ray attack was so vicious and non stop that i felt that i would either go totally batty or just drop dead.all of a sudden maybe on 28 th r 29 th the attacks were withdrawn .in a haze i read the news of building collapse in a suburb and also noticed that my hubs leg was again swelling.He too noticed it only then and he went for a checkup to his usual doc who withdrew the earlier tab he had prescribed the earlier week and wrote a new one which had the desired effect of draining the excess liquid and swelling slowly abated.
When the jamming was lessened i regained my self and found the courage to share my hubs mat as i dearly wanted his comforting presence which in all the years that have rolled by since our marriage, only he has given.
Then i felt free to write and i did on 1 july.and then on 2 nd and blogged my 2.4.14 diary first and as i was doing it felt my left ear going stone deaf with a ringing and niggling pain .Instant punishment.
Yesterday 3.7.14 i put it on draft fearing the political class and blogged the other piece , which was the opinion i originally had of political leaders ,before the 20 12 operations.Under hub's request went to a doc a huge lout who examined my throat and knocked at my teeth and scarcely examined my ear and tried to rub his thing on my thighs which i avoided deftly and saw admiration and respect in is eyes and therefore left it at that .All the while one young woman was giggling in the background and a man in black clotehs was writing out the prescription .
Evening rang up son who said that he was off to another city to give an exam and will be back to his work place on 8 by flight.
The date 8 sent alarm bells ringing .Felt fear course through me and i asked him to return either earlier or later than that date which in is usual manner ,made light of though i could detect a slight doubt , a tiny waver ,in his voice at my words of caution ..
Since he will not listed to ei ave to write t since the date 8 has been doging me since
1. Delhi's fractured verdict --8 dec
2. The disappearance of air craft 370 on 8 March
In both cases i had a role to play , through my writings which were needled out of me with non stop directions to my sub conscious for days and weeks together without a break.That i held on in the penultimate week is known to those who know of this.
Recently the death of my b.il on 8 june just before par session .
And now the par session will take place from 7 july onwards .
And as usual i am finding a link.If i am crazy it is fine .Or if i am being set up to show that i am not all that tough but a woman after all ,even that is fine.What if i am not all that crazy as is being made out or i am not being set up ,then there is a risk to my son's life in that flight or even there after ,maybe to nix the par proceedings?
Am i being targeted because some one at very top is either fascinated or is repulsed by my ideas and me?What ever ,such person or persons have to provide the protection to my family at any cost.
Even if i am not that worried about losing my life , my husband and son do want to live and lead a normal life and i do want to be alive to see them lead a good life and take part in it like any other wife/ mother / citizen of this country.I have been dragged forcibly into this whole sordid affair of political wars without my knowledge or consent .And i have been registering my protest since day one, viz from April 2012 onwards and even much much earlier in my blogs all of which was of no avail. Why should i be made to pay with my and my family's life, for some traitors misdoings or some one's dubious dealings?I am the victim who was and is still being exploited shamelessly in real terms but i am viewed and am being treated as the culprit !
If this sounds filmy it is the truth " Take my life and leave them alone .I am the culprit.Not them" .This is to my enemy who ever that may be..
Woke up at 3 in the morning today after a sound sleep after a long long time .Maybe due to the medicines .
Then i got o thinking should i re publish my 2.7.14.piece or not? I think that my writings and its viewers are my safest bet .whether any political leader comes to my rescue or not i have to safeguard my interests --family by myself and that is by writing it all out and making it public by blogging it .
I think that just as i was given a choice to blog on 4 th June to avert a mishap i was given a chance to blog my 2.7.14.diary and this time i am exercising it to avert any further mishaps to my family ,friends and relatives and to myself.
note: i deleted all this just before the meeting of US reps with the govt in here as i was arm twisted to do so and i am retyping it and publishing it .again
ps.I have a feeling that the on going par session has given me a reprieve and i hope that who ever is in charge will not start the harsh jamming etc all over again.My left ear is still blocked .i still wake up at 3.30 and am alert and with too much energy .i have been taught to take commands and avoid certain people , places and bodily postures [even the very, very ordinary &natural ones --at 56 after 2 deliveries , a pot belly , can any one believe this?Just what was done and is being done to me that i am treated like a teenager at times and at times like a 35 year old and at times like a greying old woman?So is my 60 year old hub like as if he is in his 30' or 40's ,Who is doing this macabre drama that started in 2012?why ?what for?Why was i built up in innatly without my consent but surely under some powerful person or persons consent or conniviance ?Was i to be a diarist like that teen in our bordering country ?Her consent as well as her father's consent was taken .Did any one take mine or my hub's openly before launching me in a forcible role ?.No
.Why should i now pay so dearly for the acts of omission and commission of others who are totally unconnected to me?Did i ask for the manicured fame? Did i get a penny out of it? Why was i forced to lose my privacy , my peace and my family life ? Instead of catching the real culprits why should a innocent person like me and my family be so tortured and threatened ?Is this justice?Doesn't my plight bother any one in here?Why should i be always on alert like a female james bond?Is all this necessary at my age when i ought to be going on a pilgrimage with a free mind or rock a grand child on my knees ?Am i paid to be a agent or enjoy status, protection and power politicians command that i have to shoulder the burden which was forcibly put on me all alone with more and more thrashings ?
again the temple has played a song welcoming a female deity at 6 pm now on 17.7.14 ---advising me to be on guard .The trap i have landed into is beyond my abilities and capacities , out of it. without help from authorities.!
My hand is shaking as i write this .This is my present condition .All my confidence gone with fear tearing through my body .The fear of losing near and dear one's.
Let me go chronologically as and how i draw it out from my memory.
First the fear of losing my son was put i think after i wrote that long diary on 1.6.14.castigating newly elected political leaders .Castigating political leaders is something which i have never done before.I am guessing that my anger is something to do with the some sort of rays directed at the base of my spine when in abject frustration of the continuance of my illegal crazy house arrest like situation with no privacy even whilst using the toilet or bathroom which could be available even to a common prisoner in a cell made me deliberately use my body as a form of protest in my bathroom [as i had tried other legal ways out and none of them worked ] either the day before or on that very day [don't remember] and also show my rebellion at the continuing state of my being denied my right to property and right to enjoy it peacefully with full privacy like any and every citizen of this country is enjoying.I had got fed of having to put up with it for 2 years under the previous regime and was hoping that once the new one took over i 'll be freed immediately of my humiliating position .
The fear put in me was that since i called the new pm names in my diary my son's life was in danger from party cadres in the place of his work and there fore i must resign from it if i were to save his life .I had high fever and my body ached all over but i decided not to see a doctor since taking medicines could make me lose my alertness and lull me into a sense of false security.
I was in a dilemma whether to continue to be in the party or resign from it.My hub earlier had expressed the opinion in one of my earlier dilemmas prior to this incident[ borne out of the frustration of the continuance of intrusion into my privacy , which he still refuses to believe] that it is best if i stay on in this party since they are in command of most assets and it would be most foolish thing to leave a party that is in ascendancy. On 5 he was out of town and i was beset with the dilemma which was now laced heavily with fear and i landed in nearby house a long time resident and sought advise as to whether i should continue or not .He advised me to stay on if i wanted my son to get married and that i shouldn't get too involved in the party affairs as i have been only a house wife for past so many years and wasn't tough or ambitious enough to withstand the blood and gore which is part and parcel of politics and added that only god can save me from the situation i have landed in , of which he knows since he and his family were in the thick of it in the previous regime, but will not or cannot divulge .He also asked me to look at the positives in others and ignore the negatives.Curiously he went on say that since he studied in Christian institutions he more or less knew in the concepts and said isn't being born is itself a sin?I said no .As his wife wanted more on that i explained that as per hinduism being born as a human being is the top most and prized position conferred upon a living thing so that it may use this birth to perform only good deeds and thus attain the ultimate bliss.It is a chance given to a soul to free itself from the cycle of birth and death and obtain bliss.At this his wife nodded her head in satisfaction and seemed quite pleased at my explanation.!
He made it sound like this--That i have caught a tiger by its tail unwittingly and also under force, which i can neither hold nor let go off with peril to me and my family either way.That is i should be a member of the party but i need not take active part in it and just visit its premises once in a while and also not to blog or write any thing that is too critical of any one and write about the positives.
Any way my fear made me over look his advise and i dragged my heavy and aching body on 6.7.14 and walked unsteadily all the way since not a single auto was available and gave the sec my resignation letter as well as my primary card .The sec said that there was no concept of resigning from primary membership and asked me to just blog that i don't belong to any party without hurting any one.I came 3/4 th way back on foot and again returned to the office on foot as still no auto was available and asked him to keep my card .I was so scared that if anyone saw me put the card in its niche my continuing membership would provoke any one who could be so provoked.My son came home safely the next morn.
Earlier on 4.7.14.i had written a piece in my diary guessing with usual links i make from new items, blogs and from tv news and may be a little bit of suggestion as well from above floor that a cabinet rank minister was the one handling issues regarding civil society and there fore must have handled me also before the elections and was continuing to do so and he must refrain from doing so.here after and he must trust his leader's abilities. After writing it i was under tremendous pressure to blog it . I was weak and tired after long imposition writings .i also resented being arm twisted as to what i should publish and its timing . so i didn't.
In hind sight may be i should have . I f there is
a mystery around my b.ils death when he seemed to be making good progress in earlier weeks , right on 8 th of june a day before the first par session was to commence , i might have averted loss of life before time by blogging that piece.
I vaguely suspected foul play and was under tremendous pressure to castigate the new pm and our democracy .in my diary.As i do not like to be arm twisted i refused and i also reasoned that if i gave in to this emotional blackmail i 'll always be vulnerable to such suggestions and threats.whether real or fake.So i refused to burst out emotionally on my diary which i suspect is open to media world over.
Even if every one pretends that i am a non entity , may be i am in here but i know that i have inter national audience owing to my blogging and i didn't want to demean the position of pm and ministers when it was all set to address the parliament for the first time .moreover having watched and reading about most of the election campaigning through tv blogs and news after a gap of very many years, and taken in at the enthusiasm shown by nearly whole of India it made me remember my grand father's role in freedom movement and in drafting of the constitution and i just couldn't get myself to let my gf down by this act of resigning though forced upon me ,which would send signals that i was protesting against the very system my grand father so sincerely helped to create -in this case parliamentary democracy . I didn't want to disrespect his memory though much water has flowed since those days of idealism and sincerity.It was a tribute to him.
Hence on 10 th i took back my primary card which the sec had kept idling in his desk and then tweeted that i continued to be the member of bjp.
Actually i wanted to continue as member of the party .It was the fear that was put into me that made me resign .The fear continued though i either took control over it on that day 10 th or the control over me was loosened so that i may act as per my will and from the very next day as par session ended i started to delete my political status as fear gained control over me again.Then i decided to stay off the net , news etc as i thought that too much of news was jumbling my thoughts.I felt my mind to be constantly acted upon and my brain felt twisted .During this period i was made to do some sort of adjustments by talking [ i guess the bug is in the drawing room ] and also deleting some blogs and writing a few conciliatory ones . .
Thence forward the fear of losing my son was replaced by the fear of losing my husband if i didn't make my membership to the party clear..I held on as explained in my 2.7.14.diary from 10 --19 in the period of mourning.As a typical Hindu i wanted to rejoin the party only after the 13th day ceremony of my [scape goat?]b.il.the final day when normal life is resumed. But my husbands sick and fatigued look and a bloated body which he was dragging around and which kept getting worse day after day which made me announce my re entry on 11th day of the rituals viz 19 when the priest said that by sprinkling the water made sacred by reciting Vedic mantras would sanctify our house and all articles and all its inhabitants.Soon after sprinkling the sanctified water i tried to restore my profile in sujataism 2 which indicates my membership but by some quirk or manipulation i lost that page completely and i had to blog my profile as a post .i tried to restore the profile but couldn't .
on 13 th day as we ate the feast the wind splattered the half eaten food of my brothers leaf on to my face and hands .We were both shaken for a moment.On that day i was shown police vehicles and a van and car with the two central ministries names.
I felt that i had to do penance for announcing my decision to re enter the party before the 13 th day. And i didn't know how didn't have energy to seek priests advise . My twisting of mind and body as well as jamming my mind continued without a break for nearly 25 days -- 4 - 29, that gave me sleep less nights and listless days.i was dragging myself but did my house work and went for walks but lost total interest in tv net and news and avoided the noisy arguments at 9 pm on pvt channels tho' i did have a quick look at news, and watched dd and read only the two main newspapers --Either I was made to lose the inclination to write [handwork of securities ] or i was really determined not to write .This past 1 month has taught me that securities can be very tough if they are determined or ordered to and that they had been treating me with quite delicately all this while. . I remember that one night may be on 24 th i felt like as if a noose had tightened over my neck and i pleaded to the pm that if any one wanted to do away with me please ask them to do it painlessly by flushing chloroform through ac., One evening in those jumbled up days i heard pf talking loudly in his deliberately modulated lisp to the watchman to use the bore and metro pump alternately as the water was sinking rapidly and if the pumps were not switched off in time it would get burnt out and observed that the metro was getting dry fast and it was but matter of days and that there as nothing to worry about.I felt that this was directed towards me and that he was informing me of my imminent death in his cool manner.I found dark satire even in that terrible situation thinking how long it would take my brain that i felt had shrunk, to become like a peanut . Despite all this crude and harsh treatments the niggling guilt made me some how totter to a school weaving like a drunken person ,to donate.When i paid the 12 th std fees to a father less poor student of a school on 27 th i felt that i had done the penance and felt assuaged.
The ray attack was so vicious and non stop that i felt that i would either go totally batty or just drop dead.all of a sudden maybe on 28 th r 29 th the attacks were withdrawn .in a haze i read the news of building collapse in a suburb and also noticed that my hubs leg was again swelling.He too noticed it only then and he went for a checkup to his usual doc who withdrew the earlier tab he had prescribed the earlier week and wrote a new one which had the desired effect of draining the excess liquid and swelling slowly abated.
When the jamming was lessened i regained my self and found the courage to share my hubs mat as i dearly wanted his comforting presence which in all the years that have rolled by since our marriage, only he has given.
Then i felt free to write and i did on 1 july.and then on 2 nd and blogged my 2.4.14 diary first and as i was doing it felt my left ear going stone deaf with a ringing and niggling pain .Instant punishment.
Yesterday 3.7.14 i put it on draft fearing the political class and blogged the other piece , which was the opinion i originally had of political leaders ,before the 20 12 operations.Under hub's request went to a doc a huge lout who examined my throat and knocked at my teeth and scarcely examined my ear and tried to rub his thing on my thighs which i avoided deftly and saw admiration and respect in is eyes and therefore left it at that .All the while one young woman was giggling in the background and a man in black clotehs was writing out the prescription .
Evening rang up son who said that he was off to another city to give an exam and will be back to his work place on 8 by flight.
The date 8 sent alarm bells ringing .Felt fear course through me and i asked him to return either earlier or later than that date which in is usual manner ,made light of though i could detect a slight doubt , a tiny waver ,in his voice at my words of caution ..
Since he will not listed to ei ave to write t since the date 8 has been doging me since
1. Delhi's fractured verdict --8 dec
2. The disappearance of air craft 370 on 8 March
In both cases i had a role to play , through my writings which were needled out of me with non stop directions to my sub conscious for days and weeks together without a break.That i held on in the penultimate week is known to those who know of this.
Recently the death of my b.il on 8 june just before par session .
And now the par session will take place from 7 july onwards .
And as usual i am finding a link.If i am crazy it is fine .Or if i am being set up to show that i am not all that tough but a woman after all ,even that is fine.What if i am not all that crazy as is being made out or i am not being set up ,then there is a risk to my son's life in that flight or even there after ,maybe to nix the par proceedings?
Am i being targeted because some one at very top is either fascinated or is repulsed by my ideas and me?What ever ,such person or persons have to provide the protection to my family at any cost.
Even if i am not that worried about losing my life , my husband and son do want to live and lead a normal life and i do want to be alive to see them lead a good life and take part in it like any other wife/ mother / citizen of this country.I have been dragged forcibly into this whole sordid affair of political wars without my knowledge or consent .And i have been registering my protest since day one, viz from April 2012 onwards and even much much earlier in my blogs all of which was of no avail. Why should i be made to pay with my and my family's life, for some traitors misdoings or some one's dubious dealings?I am the victim who was and is still being exploited shamelessly in real terms but i am viewed and am being treated as the culprit !
If this sounds filmy it is the truth " Take my life and leave them alone .I am the culprit.Not them" .This is to my enemy who ever that may be..
Woke up at 3 in the morning today after a sound sleep after a long long time .Maybe due to the medicines .
Then i got o thinking should i re publish my 2.7.14.piece or not? I think that my writings and its viewers are my safest bet .whether any political leader comes to my rescue or not i have to safeguard my interests --family by myself and that is by writing it all out and making it public by blogging it .
I think that just as i was given a choice to blog on 4 th June to avert a mishap i was given a chance to blog my 2.7.14.diary and this time i am exercising it to avert any further mishaps to my family ,friends and relatives and to myself.
note: i deleted all this just before the meeting of US reps with the govt in here as i was arm twisted to do so and i am retyping it and publishing it .again
ps.I have a feeling that the on going par session has given me a reprieve and i hope that who ever is in charge will not start the harsh jamming etc all over again.My left ear is still blocked .i still wake up at 3.30 and am alert and with too much energy .i have been taught to take commands and avoid certain people , places and bodily postures [even the very, very ordinary &natural ones --at 56 after 2 deliveries , a pot belly , can any one believe this?Just what was done and is being done to me that i am treated like a teenager at times and at times like a 35 year old and at times like a greying old woman?So is my 60 year old hub like as if he is in his 30' or 40's ,Who is doing this macabre drama that started in 2012?why ?what for?Why was i built up in innatly without my consent but surely under some powerful person or persons consent or conniviance ?Was i to be a diarist like that teen in our bordering country ?Her consent as well as her father's consent was taken .Did any one take mine or my hub's openly before launching me in a forcible role ?.No
.Why should i now pay so dearly for the acts of omission and commission of others who are totally unconnected to me?Did i ask for the manicured fame? Did i get a penny out of it? Why was i forced to lose my privacy , my peace and my family life ? Instead of catching the real culprits why should a innocent person like me and my family be so tortured and threatened ?Is this justice?Doesn't my plight bother any one in here?Why should i be always on alert like a female james bond?Is all this necessary at my age when i ought to be going on a pilgrimage with a free mind or rock a grand child on my knees ?Am i paid to be a agent or enjoy status, protection and power politicians command that i have to shoulder the burden which was forcibly put on me all alone with more and more thrashings ?
again the temple has played a song welcoming a female deity at 6 pm now on 17.7.14 ---advising me to be on guard .The trap i have landed into is beyond my abilities and capacities , out of it. without help from authorities.!
posted by K.C. Sujata at
7:36 AM
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