From my diary --2.7.14--wednesday --6.30.am.
Dera diary ,
If this is an international diary my avid readers of my very personal diary[how very shameful to peep into others diary as and when it is written in the privacy of one's house] must be wondering as to why i stopped writing my diary all of a sudden.
First it became somewhat clear that what i write in my diary specially my emotional pourings [which are deliberately needled] could be used by any one with an hidden agenda,to defame my society, denigrate the duly elected political leaders , institutions ,just about anything and i don't like it.Not one bit.Even if i am totaly ignorant as to who is behind all this i could never stomach being a traitor or considered as a traitot ,to my country even if it is the result of my innocent observations .
Hence i exercised a terrific control over my urge to pour everything out and get relief from my mental tortures.
Secondly i felt a threat of death to my family members.Just like in the films , an hero [ok in here a heroine] who does not fear losing his life would be arm twisted by such threats to his family , i too felt so.But this threat did not come with a caveat that i should stop writing the diary or blogging it .This made me doubly suspicious .[now a days i am suspicious of most things].This took place when my b.il who was recovering from his ailment suddenly took a turn for the worse and i remember him saying that he had lost trust in doctor's and he passed away the next week --8 th of june,during which period i suffered high fever, bitterness in mouth and was put the fear of death of near and dear one's and to write down my fears and suspicions which i refrained as i felt that it was something to do with the first session of parliament and i didn't want to throw a spanner in the democratic process.I am writing all this only now because i think it is the only way that i know which can save and protect the life of my family .If media is in here they could be a check on vile schemes of politicians or individual or groups.
But the fear of losing near and dear one's was so scary ,that is i linked my extra ordinary situation to my activity on net , diary ,etc that the fear jammed my mind, thoughts and activities initially and later forcibly, mainly writing which has brought me a intangible but somewhat real fame or popularity what ever it may be--one thing was made clear [suggestions from above] that my husband's life is clearly under threat ,later my son's life as well as close relatives life was added to the list and this came with a specific demand of making clear my political membership on the net.with vague hints as to from which quarter they were issued from.
I hated this emotional arm twisting and held on reasoning with various justifications for nearly 2 weeks i think from 4 to 19 th june and gave in only when i realised that whether i wanted to live or not , my husband wanted to , he enjoys life unlike me and if i have been given the power of determining his life i will use it to grant him his life and pushed away my ego, rebellion , sense of injustice at my individual rights being so shamefully trampled at and ,Hindu philosophy that teaches karma to take things as pre destined since i am not an ignorant country bumpkin to draw comfort from this doctrine only from fatalistic view point and just let it be but well read and quite well informed to take it to mean that 'you reap as you sow in this birth as well as in the next ' which also under lines this doctrine and succumbed to the demand with the overwhelming feeling --What if the threats were real? Though none of the threats were overboard in speech or in writing ,only symbolic hints.More over having spent 30 years of married life it was not easy to contemplate life without him on what ever we may have argued over and whatever resentments i had against him .
Today when i woke up at 3.30.am which has become the norm for past several months unlike when i used to get up only at 6 , i pondered whether i should write my diary or not .Would it help me or not ?And just what is there to write in my diary apart from my explaining my ominious silence , than writing that i woke up at such a scush a time , had coffee herad music walked ,cooked saw tv or a bird ? All so mundane stuff ,that does it need writing?I have got over that phase of recording my observations of all those ordinary daily takes ,though it is scripted in my mind, .It is too mundane to jot it all down .I remembered that i was given a choice to blog one of my diary pieces few days before the death of my bil, that may have averted the death of my bil or the suspicion that his death was before his time and i didn't exercise it and this time i felt that i was given a choice once again and i decided to exercise it and not wait till the threat actually is put in place.
So i have written this only to explain my stopping writing this diary to myself to sort out my jumbled thoughts and fera as well as to others , if there are any , with my husbands rapidly swelling feet. Again an emotional arm twisting by people with hidden agendas which i am unable to guess or reason out only that it is something to do with state , national and international--an triangle and i am caught in between this triangle.
The following are the other threats i was made to perceive,
1. That i should not share the bed of my husband and this ban was lifted only two days back and that freed my mind and gave me the impetus to write all that i was put through and forced to endure
2.I must still dress, relive ,bathe etc in utter darkness in my own house and not remove unwanted hair etc for some months and never get to see my body, the amount of flesh i may have added or check out the state of my skin in full light .
3. That what ever i speak is so sensitive and charged thst it is bound to cuase disturbances .
4. I shouldn't even think ill of others , those living nearby, man on street relatives, ,politicians , just about any one or anything even in the privacy of my mind or speak it .
5.That what ever i write will cause mischief in political circles specially when parliament is in session or a foreign dignitary is on a visit.
Actually the above notings viz--5 -is true as my eralier writings and fera expressed in this very diary page sugets.
I am clearly an pawn in some complicated political game and threats and restrictions are either to silence me or take full control over me .
I reda in rd yesterday Democracy is stable in long run but fragile in short period --by Madeline of US .An very good observation based on experience
Our democracy is still fragile specially in this transition period , hope it steadies itself and comes back to its feet as quickly as possible.
ps.I put this on redraft and several other diary writings when budget session of par started, as usual not wanting to sully the image of our political process and also in tribute to my grand father who so lovingly took part in the drafting of the constitution of india after agitating and obtaining India's freedom from Britishers and was the speaker of Lok sabha in its early tender days . A lot of water has flown since then and now, yet i being his descendant didn't want to be the one to cause disrespect to his faith in the constitution and the deep pride he had in parliamentary democracy.
pps. As in the past whenever i felt insecure and need of protection i often sought refuge in the blog created for me by my late son and this time the need was simply overwhelming that overcame my resolve not to blog and have blogged this.
I even deleted several of them . But i have decided to retype this diary page and either save or it re publish it for safety of my family's life .They are totally innocent and if any one has to take flak for offending some one or some group it is me alone even if those who have taken offense actually allowed or were turning a blind eye to the humiliating situation i was subject to for past 2 years.to continue which made me so very unnaturally abusive,too bold and provocative so as to slander many a person as well as politicians in writing , .
Note --I was shown police vans and vehicles carrying the placard defense and finance on the 13 th day ceremony of my late brother in law .Again a symbolic pointer. Only those in know of things would know the truth and i am writing what was hinted at.Again i am impelled to do so overcoming my caution not to cast slur on people holding high offices but with the stomach wrenching fear and uncleared doubt -'what if?.'
If this is an international diary my avid readers of my very personal diary[how very shameful to peep into others diary as and when it is written in the privacy of one's house] must be wondering as to why i stopped writing my diary all of a sudden.
First it became somewhat clear that what i write in my diary specially my emotional pourings [which are deliberately needled] could be used by any one with an hidden agenda,to defame my society, denigrate the duly elected political leaders , institutions ,just about anything and i don't like it.Not one bit.Even if i am totaly ignorant as to who is behind all this i could never stomach being a traitor or considered as a traitot ,to my country even if it is the result of my innocent observations .
Hence i exercised a terrific control over my urge to pour everything out and get relief from my mental tortures.
Secondly i felt a threat of death to my family members.Just like in the films , an hero [ok in here a heroine] who does not fear losing his life would be arm twisted by such threats to his family , i too felt so.But this threat did not come with a caveat that i should stop writing the diary or blogging it .This made me doubly suspicious .[now a days i am suspicious of most things].This took place when my b.il who was recovering from his ailment suddenly took a turn for the worse and i remember him saying that he had lost trust in doctor's and he passed away the next week --8 th of june,during which period i suffered high fever, bitterness in mouth and was put the fear of death of near and dear one's and to write down my fears and suspicions which i refrained as i felt that it was something to do with the first session of parliament and i didn't want to throw a spanner in the democratic process.I am writing all this only now because i think it is the only way that i know which can save and protect the life of my family .If media is in here they could be a check on vile schemes of politicians or individual or groups.
But the fear of losing near and dear one's was so scary ,that is i linked my extra ordinary situation to my activity on net , diary ,etc that the fear jammed my mind, thoughts and activities initially and later forcibly, mainly writing which has brought me a intangible but somewhat real fame or popularity what ever it may be--one thing was made clear [suggestions from above] that my husband's life is clearly under threat ,later my son's life as well as close relatives life was added to the list and this came with a specific demand of making clear my political membership on the net.with vague hints as to from which quarter they were issued from.
I hated this emotional arm twisting and held on reasoning with various justifications for nearly 2 weeks i think from 4 to 19 th june and gave in only when i realised that whether i wanted to live or not , my husband wanted to , he enjoys life unlike me and if i have been given the power of determining his life i will use it to grant him his life and pushed away my ego, rebellion , sense of injustice at my individual rights being so shamefully trampled at and ,Hindu philosophy that teaches karma to take things as pre destined since i am not an ignorant country bumpkin to draw comfort from this doctrine only from fatalistic view point and just let it be but well read and quite well informed to take it to mean that 'you reap as you sow in this birth as well as in the next ' which also under lines this doctrine and succumbed to the demand with the overwhelming feeling --What if the threats were real? Though none of the threats were overboard in speech or in writing ,only symbolic hints.More over having spent 30 years of married life it was not easy to contemplate life without him on what ever we may have argued over and whatever resentments i had against him .
Today when i woke up at 3.30.am which has become the norm for past several months unlike when i used to get up only at 6 , i pondered whether i should write my diary or not .Would it help me or not ?And just what is there to write in my diary apart from my explaining my ominious silence , than writing that i woke up at such a scush a time , had coffee herad music walked ,cooked saw tv or a bird ? All so mundane stuff ,that does it need writing?I have got over that phase of recording my observations of all those ordinary daily takes ,though it is scripted in my mind, .It is too mundane to jot it all down .I remembered that i was given a choice to blog one of my diary pieces few days before the death of my bil, that may have averted the death of my bil or the suspicion that his death was before his time and i didn't exercise it and this time i felt that i was given a choice once again and i decided to exercise it and not wait till the threat actually is put in place.
So i have written this only to explain my stopping writing this diary to myself to sort out my jumbled thoughts and fera as well as to others , if there are any , with my husbands rapidly swelling feet. Again an emotional arm twisting by people with hidden agendas which i am unable to guess or reason out only that it is something to do with state , national and international--an triangle and i am caught in between this triangle.
The following are the other threats i was made to perceive,
1. That i should not share the bed of my husband and this ban was lifted only two days back and that freed my mind and gave me the impetus to write all that i was put through and forced to endure
2.I must still dress, relive ,bathe etc in utter darkness in my own house and not remove unwanted hair etc for some months and never get to see my body, the amount of flesh i may have added or check out the state of my skin in full light .
3. That what ever i speak is so sensitive and charged thst it is bound to cuase disturbances .
4. I shouldn't even think ill of others , those living nearby, man on street relatives, ,politicians , just about any one or anything even in the privacy of my mind or speak it .
5.That what ever i write will cause mischief in political circles specially when parliament is in session or a foreign dignitary is on a visit.
Actually the above notings viz--5 -is true as my eralier writings and fera expressed in this very diary page sugets.
I am clearly an pawn in some complicated political game and threats and restrictions are either to silence me or take full control over me .
I reda in rd yesterday Democracy is stable in long run but fragile in short period --by Madeline of US .An very good observation based on experience
Our democracy is still fragile specially in this transition period , hope it steadies itself and comes back to its feet as quickly as possible.
ps.I put this on redraft and several other diary writings when budget session of par started, as usual not wanting to sully the image of our political process and also in tribute to my grand father who so lovingly took part in the drafting of the constitution of india after agitating and obtaining India's freedom from Britishers and was the speaker of Lok sabha in its early tender days . A lot of water has flown since then and now, yet i being his descendant didn't want to be the one to cause disrespect to his faith in the constitution and the deep pride he had in parliamentary democracy.
pps. As in the past whenever i felt insecure and need of protection i often sought refuge in the blog created for me by my late son and this time the need was simply overwhelming that overcame my resolve not to blog and have blogged this.
I even deleted several of them . But i have decided to retype this diary page and either save or it re publish it for safety of my family's life .They are totally innocent and if any one has to take flak for offending some one or some group it is me alone even if those who have taken offense actually allowed or were turning a blind eye to the humiliating situation i was subject to for past 2 years.to continue which made me so very unnaturally abusive,too bold and provocative so as to slander many a person as well as politicians in writing , .
Note --I was shown police vans and vehicles carrying the placard defense and finance on the 13 th day ceremony of my late brother in law .Again a symbolic pointer. Only those in know of things would know the truth and i am writing what was hinted at.Again i am impelled to do so overcoming my caution not to cast slur on people holding high offices but with the stomach wrenching fear and uncleared doubt -'what if?.'
posted by K.C. Sujata at
1:51 AM
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