Intelligence------19.7.14--7am.

Again woke up 3 am and just lay on bed .No good music was played in the transi which i keep away from my body after receiving some hints like a sudden sharp  pain in my left ear  to lie straight , fully covered and not to spread my legs even a little bit even if i want to air my legs or my back or sides , damp with sweat  in this hot weather and never expose even an inch of my body through out the day[is it possible in a sari  in one's own house where one tends to be casual?]  Not to look at my hub's bright  face when he comes in for dinner  or argue  ,discuss news or watch tv along with him .
i suppose casing is going on and i just know its workings sketchily  having read about it in 2012 on net .How ever i can now understand the meaning of headaches, jabs in my body and pain in my ear.it is  a warning that i am being cased .Specially after that 1 month of hell and back i am bit more aware and do not disregard the warnings...
Actually the same method  of jabs,were employed during previous regime at centre [ i tend to think nationally and never locally, so i don't know as to who exactly was and is doing all this ]also but i just didn't understand its message.The same set that was working  then is also working for the present.and the present one is more firm and determined to tackle the problem , may be due toidealogical differnces with local commies and fera of  a very large country nearby.
How did i guess this casing? In our joint outings in evenings  or on my own i get the signals mentioned above [really our intells are no les than any i suppose . Has off to the technology used, dedication and alertness. .it is quite amazing.though i am at the receiving end and being wrung like a sugar cane .The warnings are that i should avoid looking or staring at any one who is too lively and slightly feminine like pf as also at men with moushtache and  tilak on thier heads or at short ad stocky clean shaven men all in 4o's.[the warnings have now  23.7.14.has changed ,it is now not to stare or smile  at young men in 20's .All 3 bera resemblance  to my neighbours in the apartments ,that i live.Two for  along time and theother jut a few yeras back.So did i guess right? My flat is ib's or some such intels?My luck that i landed right into the hornets nest.

Switched on the ac and fell asleep listening to the sound of empty trucks driving down the street in southern direction .I remember several of them stationed in a long line yesterday night  .Some what comforting .Like as if they would warn me of night time marauders swarming  from southern side and would chase them away.I remember hazily that packs of dogs would face south and put up a terrific voley of barks excitedly at tis time of 3.30.am .3-330 in morn is held to be the ideal time for meditation in our traditions hence is known as the best  time of the day.
Just who is in south?If it was us it ought to have been north or does it have shipsstationed in indian ocean? In southerly direction are the party offices of bjp, cpi and cpm.Walking distance.Since i am under the control of govt [i am reasoning since if al the noise around me is due to foreign affairs it is only the govt of india that has the right to take care and conduct it .it also explains why it was crucial that i had to join bjp .to give the  ruling party which is the govt  to control me ,my house  and family members in a state ruled by another party .it is also a guess.].Those dogs must be barking at intruders  viz comies .So what is so troublesome about local commies that i have to be guarded in this manner?Aernt they all in democratic process , winning and losing elections?Losing now.Or is it their affinity to poerful neghour --China who are more or less stone throw away say 300 -400 kms having parked themselves in Sri lanka or i watrs around it.or wait a minute are they right into india via their heavy investment in telecoms in the prvious regime?My room is bounded by  two electric transformers  of mes outside ,with one on north side whilst other is on the south side each on .i have no idea as to ow al this works ma just giving  such info which i think is important for those who know about it to come to a conclusion .The mobile tower is a bit distant away.Is it chinese who are probing and sucking out my sdripted thoughts for political intelligence and are passing it on to commies in here and abroad?And bjp is not one bit pleased about of this and cong with its leftisdt leanings wasnt much too bothetred about this?

My  left liberal  upbringing and streaks are well known but so are a few of  my  streaks that are of  a right . my hub is a  right .The usual , ordinary type.So this is the cause of all this casings, warnings etc,that a sure unnatural  death awaits me , my hub and my son at the hands of politicians .
It galls me that f nofautf mine except that to blog and write or my family who never read even a single blog of mine or mywritings should be at the teceiving end for some cad's misdeeds.
Herad foll kurals---
1.Know to talk within limits .--5 am

2.even when  a mother is hungry a son should not feed her by looting others or by acts that are strictly prohibited  by law and dharma.--6 am
3.If one doesnt act immediately a great loss is likely --7am  --[this kura is played whenever i am lazy to blog my diary or when i postpone my visit to the party office .
4.It is better to forgo friendship of powerless  instead  make  friendship with an enemy 's biggest enemy.
Confusing .What am i to do?Does it split like this ---

Powerless friends =liberals,  enemies = commies -china leaning , enemy's arch rival = rights and specially the conservatives in rights  .

So i have to disregard  the fera of  comies +their minority friends ire towards me and try and get involved in the party's activities ,even if it is just tokenism  like visiting the premises often with the risk only to my life thus sparing the life of my hub, son and other relatives , like how so very many politicians do all over putting thier lives at risk whilst serving a party , more so bjp in here.--this is the warning i am making out.But there are thousands of people who atend party eeting and do party work all over india  without any fera of doing so .so why am i being warned thus  through hourly playing of ethical hymns and not openly .Fear mogering?pressure tactics to make me take part in political process to show to the world the  workings of our democracy  and also side by side ignore me and also threaten me .if threat is real then why is no one  in authority is  coming forward to inform me of threat i am supposed to be facing and from which quarter and then  prepare me to face it openly or give me the necessary protection ?Instead of hints which i think  includes playing of kural , with its hourly confusing advise, ominious silence, chiming of bells like as if the hour of our lives is drawing neraer and neraer..

Just now my nephew rang up reminding me that today being the 45 th day of his father's ritual  asked his uncle --my hub who is out walking  to attend it .A mute reminder?A warning?
sO this is the meaning behind the menacing chiming of bell every hour?when i visited party office on 15 th to to give my views kural stoped and vinayaka sloka was playedfor 2 days and then stopped. When kural was played i sort of knew all that which was happening around me but couldn't when only small slokas /hymns were played. And that was more scary.So it works out like this when par is in session i have to visit the office .once it is over i 'll  be tortured , ignored and be left to die along with my family.It is our luck if we survive till  the next session .Then again the stick  will be used to make me mark my attendance in the  diary, blog and  party office.It is like as if there is a 'supari' to use hindi film language on our heads .And that it is but a matter of time and no matter what  i do , request , appeal .write on and on and also blog   an  end like an accident  to  my son's life as well as our lives like heart failure  to hub and and loss of  my sanity  is at hand.

I joined bjp in 2013 may and complained about the shady going ons .They said thier paryy workers would protest outside my ouse  whereas i wanted it to be done in a quiet manner without publicity  and shied away  I was not involved in any activity of my liking like discussing public affairs, books etc or visit villages to collect iron  or do some service over there either at party office or at the villages like free legal aid  but was invited to paint the palm of a devotees with mehendi  as a election campaign.So i kept away and during  dec i was decidedly cold shouldered.The smiling sec became glum . Recently when par was not in session when i visited the premises in first of  july  with my head jammed the sec made me wait and rushed of saying after 5 his head would get jammed and his brain would clam up .A brush of.But later when par was in session as is now ,was welcomed by a beaming sec who said that i could write anything frankly even in my house and drop it in the office like  a letter .I was given a glass of tea !He also got into a conversation with a attender  that news paper must first come to him and then only two other eager leaders.Strange ,i guess it was for  my ears.
Just what is going on?When par is on i 'll be welcome /once it is not ,i'll be treated like a leper, my hub's legs will swell swell and my son in the city  of work  will lose weight and more weight and become nervous.He has lost 15 kgs in few months and is very excited and restless unlike his cool and calm self. i am sure the intels , are driving him to this  confidence less state.Why should we pay for some one else's fault, crime, traitorous deeds,and  greed .Isn't the govt and its vast machinery capable of nabbing the real culprits instead of resorting to this quick fix ?It is like  a police encounter, a subtle one ,but not of terrorists or hardened criminals but of innocent people..So this is the much fabled war on terrorism!

If the threats i am made to perceive are fake and a larger part of a strategy , ill eat my words .But what if it is not?That i and my family will be done away to put an end to a problem cretaed and fostetred by politicians both ruling and opposition.If at al the thretas are real i and my family are an example of how problems will be solved , -scant regard to procedure, humanity, democartic rights and liberties.
So what is thedifference from previous regime?Only that the minority head was a little more flexible to a hindu like me than the hindu heads seem to be towards a hindu and her hindu family.
9 am --kural ---A person who is intelligent, wise and easily accesible is a fit person to tae messages to a ruler f another country.--a diplomat/messenger
So what does it mean? That by writing , how  a hindu woman like me is being tortured by a party that is considred to be overtly a hindu party i am removing the communal stain that party has ,since in actual practise  as isin my case they are either  torturing ort palin ignoring  the plight of a hindu woman like me instead of rushing in to help me that to living in a flat along with muslims in amuslim area?[lest others misunderstand my mus flat inmates intentions ,they  are jsut like any other flt inmate  , involved in their lives like any of us]I have been complaigning since 2012 .Starategy? At what cost? My life? My hub's lif? My son's life?at out peace?

Whist previous regime used me to sow how non permissive  our society is 'by purposefully spredaing rumours  about my inasanity, free outlook and making me write about constant galres etc , i supose this regime whose many a stalwarts connived with trhat regime devious exploitation are putting my writings to this new strategy --that an party that is sen as tilted towards majority viz -hindu's are actually not so when in governance ,by blatantly ignoring my brain washing / conversion by either cionniving or remaining aloof .So that a message will go to my inatl viwwers that extreme faith in one's religuion will not be tlerated even if such persons commit no act of terrorism and is merely  writing or e even redaing slokas or books on hindu /sri vaishnava philosophy that   for herself and her family's personal peace privately as well as  for thier spiritual uplitment. Specially the parts that deal with 'shastras, vedas'[some one is very alergic to ancient hindu scriptures over   which our entire hindu  religion  is based upon]  , re birth  and karma  the reading ban is in force for past 2 months .what more  a certificate of 'pure secularism 'or rather conversion  is needed than making me an educated and supposedly bold woman to  stop reading books on hinduism in her  own house in a country which is full of hinsdus and the only country which practises this religion .

May be i would have co opertyaed ,taking it in my stride like i did before if only i was threatened or humiliated .This time the lives f my nera ad dera onne's was threatened and that made me baulk and resist and gave in when i saw thier ill health before my eyes.

ok my activities yesterday ----Woke up at 4 am .kept away from open spaces .bathed eraly so as not to be cased ,.cooked .[is making me aware of being cased another strategy to blow up my slight paranoid tendencies to full flame?could be . my glasses are special .i feel more like aman weraing , it on the roads ,un accustomed manly interest in  every passing women, .god knows how many man are watching me through them constantly either for stategy or make me lose all my feminie interests and make a full fledged man/nueter /lesbian, out of me.who knows?hope my son reads this when he is in his forties or fifties when i am not  around and get to understand the miseries his mother was forced to face.]

Felt jammed .May be effect of blogging . time dragged Read news .sld i write my reaction ? why sid i get pulled into shoddy affairs of the world ? useles to me [except for the help rendered .i think it is insnatl community that saved my hubs life ].only more personal pain  It was hot .had a nap at 2 pm felt tapping as i relaxed , i cried out inwardly leave my son tale me , cut me to pieces , kill me ,drive atruck over me , i have sen it all , he hasn't , finish me . Leave hin aline .leave trhem alone. I kept sruggling thus till 3.30 pm .then dressed and went off to shop for my birthday .A stern man pushed ashop help and tied a cardboard box firmy and yelled if you dont co opertae  i will do it and throw this away.
as i came out  ametro truck was dredging sewage from that shop felt terrific headache.couldnt decipher the cuase of head ache something to do with the truck and police?

As i fished pout tne change to pay for  falls for sari saw that the purse didnot contain my house key's. i had left it in the house itself.Rang home .no answere.so decided to spend time till r will be back home ,in  park and temple.Had money only to buy a water bottle .
Tried to relax ion th epark .Took off my glasses and realised how poor my sight was.Bright lights were dim .The sky reddened.Kids skated .lovers sat in benches .oldies sat or stroled around and  a gentle breeze rustled through.Yet no peace.Mind kept chttering .late son's  request  came to mind' ma talk, talk '.I did but kept it short and  low key  then , .not even in my mind.i was content with others doing the talking .i just worked , read, watched tv,cinemas attended functions without ever finding the need to talk on and on ..

Now i am talking non stop .That to in my mind!He is not here to hear it but others are.Smiled  wrily at the irony as i watched little white clods moving in th esky .Just which satilite was out there hidden behind those innocent white puffs, reading my chatter ,i wondered or even probing to get more?

a boy in teens  called out his ware .i had just 10 rs left and i was hungry. he gave a generous helping of his delicious snack , for that .Felt satiated.
resisting my desire to curl up on the bench and have a nap[as my night sleeps are too short]  i stretched my legs and started to meditate closing my eyes with the glasses on  my dear dad came up The commie/left liberal father , bright and kind.just as  my reaction was  in real life i was happy and thrilled to see him but requested and begged him 'father  i am not you . , i have to be myself .please understand ' He left and i opened my eyes startled.was i being hypnotised or cased ?some thing to do with the glasses i was wearing and sitting and relaxing in the open?

Then visited the temple .screen drawn  as soon as i entered .Naturally a hindu has to be humiliated to retain the stamp of secularism .political gamesthat dont irritate me any more.got used. Then sat outside and meditated.outside and ate th epiping hot prasadam .whilst queuing up felt i was beig cased.Then had a good darshan.
Came home walking slowly and reached home at 8.30.pm.
10 am kural--'minister should not whisper in another persons ears  in front of a ruler.'
R is asking me to stop writing this and get ready to attend the ceremony.and i told him that i had to write it for our own safety.the kural was played just then .a link? who is the ruler? state or centre?

o.k will continue later as r threw this book and pen --obviously cased .he has quit behaving with me in such a dominating manner since he quit his job and even  became more silently  resigned to my delay's etc after our bereavement 7 years back.

tok bath in darkened  interioirs  of the bathroom  with r chaffing at my stupidity for dong so.So do i .just how can a 40 yera old caser  slobber over my sagging body?It is not possible ion real life  but maybe in casing world .so all this stupid purdah like behaviour in my own house  with just another member around[r] it is just in case.And who knows as to how many brutes are watching ?Maybe it is no big thing for men to do so but for me  the natural shyness to exposure and discomfort at being stared at all the wrong places  in what i think is my  moment of privacy will never leave how much ever i steel myself to ignore it and even  dare  to act in a manner which i know will provoke the straight laced [tho' i have stopped provoking  deligberately with my body now since i am sort of understanding the seriousness of the situation with  things get murkier and nastier day by day] or become older and blase .
I write such details deliberately in shocking frankness so that people will sit up and take notice .other wise no one would and would dismiss me as a staid writer and a mere chronicler.

ok bnack to yesterday.r hadnt come so sat on steps.cast back my mind and remembered seeing a lot of old and frail ladies with white hair being helped around by young women .saw one at the cloth shop also.
Kural now at 3 pm.
                            Al wil ill treta even good  people who have no wealth  but treta with respect even evil one's who posses a lot of wealth.

ok as i sat , neigh son in his 30's came ad parked his bike.just as i tought of greeting him ,was atacked by headaches  that i turned mt head away.obeying the signals.hoping that it was for my good to do so.r came soon after .whilst rehashing dinner i ferlt terribly short changed and stated to rant , strating from the very top --us presi then rus presi and then to our netas as i strongly suspect my forcible role in innatl diplomacy .My point being , all you political leaders do what you like , just don't drag me into it .

I also mentioned that wan loking boy and commented that it was apity that he had to work for a living whilst studying .R said what is there? his mother is cooking and he is helping the family kitty in his spare time.anything wrong?His family's  economic status is such  that he has to help.He will also meet people like you who'l pay the fees and help him in his life which otherwise he may not .I thought yes even in rich countries of west boys do eran money by delivering papers .The typical practical  and business outlook.money counts.But to people like me with father and reels working only as bureacrats , money making apart from a regular salary of a  office job can never be imagined.,digested  or honoured.
No wonder that kural was played at 3 pm.

god sleep.Morn started dairy writing fro 7 till 10  am.Then attended the 45 th day ceremony .swa a car with govt of india whilst going at front.whilst returning also saw a van with govt of india wordings at front which took a 'left' turn and our auto driver neraly crashed the auto against a median when i wondered if there was any symbolism in the left turn that vehicle took..

Earlier  i related my harrsment for past 2 yeras  to reels [reels=relatives] ,when i broached the subject of not so moderate rights reading my blogs ,encountered fierce glare fro one such to shut up .i did.As i saw that left turn i wondered whetheri am also being made an eg to those nsmr activists , sympathisers etc, my viwwers that if they contd with their controversial writings and activities ,the same fate like mine awaits them , from the very govt and persons they may have put tp power .That the govt or party will not come to thier aid .whatever they indulge in is at thier own peril and if they cross a limit they may evemn be forcibly brain washed or jammed [or if conversion takes place will not bother about it  ] so that they may lose their extreme tendencies  and fal in line of moderates .This message i guess is only to hindus .i guess once again , only a guess by a party that has ben voted to power largely by centrists and  centre rights .

if it is so it is highly unfair thing to do to me .a soft target whilst the real toughies can never be so arm twisted nor be made to develop a cold feet on reading about my plight  or may be even seeing or hearing about it.But the fact that several activists did join a  party after my brainwashing cun jamming cum conversion  attempts makes me feel that may be strategy did work .But again why should i be the scape goat?Why should my family pay the price of chipping away extremism in activists totally unconnected with us and our lives?I do have a duty towards our country but it doesnt extend to laying down my famuily 's life or my life so that those who are born and brought up in  adifferent school of thought that is not averse to using vuiolence , unlike me , will be nudged , influenced by me whose broad views . only some views  are similar  to bjp'sbut will not actually fight for them or do the ground work but   that i would fight for my right to practise my religion or blog some hymns and mantras and philosophy  when i am sure that it is my personal right to do so and further sure that i wasnot deliberately offending or hurting others religious belefs , as i probably did in 2012 by putting up a fight for two months viz april -june and wasnt one bit scared of my muslim neigh as i knew that i never hurt them deliberately so as to invite thier ire . if at all the miniscule few who knew of my blogging may  have got scared of my followers on net but not of me .that is for sure. But the 2 long yera sof harrsment and recently the threats, some of it coming true and constant jamming , casing has changed me and hence decided to drop writing about hinduism as well as my frank views on public affairs .Only a super man or woman can withstand such prolonged sustained torture without succumbing.

I remember few days back on a full moon day  when i was slipping into  a dream after i took a pill prescribed by ent as i wanted to sleep , was woken up by dogs barking at 3 am .the watch man below was heraing music ,i took it as a cue and switched on transi .Herad a long list of tamil film songs that dealt with religion and its extremism.first song was from dasaavataram  'om nmao narayana'---of inner beyaty of self, followed by one on  beauty of christ, foll by one on veera saivas valour , foll by one on kindness of murugan foll by those on pranks of krishna .Probably to keep me awake till dawn and also give a message.That i am being attacked for my deep faith in sri vaishnavism .Vaisnhnavism combines socilaism with love and affection for all .but is a strict in its  faith of adherence to only one god Narayana , the bhagwan revered by vedas, upanishads ,gitsa epics,puranas  and so on .They were all played  in amazingly quick succesion  whoch even in my dizzy state  made me marvel at th equick thinking and knowledge f music unless it wasnt alreday planned and kept reday.

Frankly if it is life and death  to my nera one's and if it is the result of my inflexible beliefs or beliefs that on the face of it appear to be inflexible , like when i had a prathana done before the adi parasakthi amman next door  at height of my 2 months lng torture tho a true sri vaishnavaite should never even look at another deity or god and dropped my tributes into the hundi no sooner did i feel that the streo fonic sound torture had come to an end and amman had seen me through just as srinivasa at tirupati had to whom also i made a prartahana and fulfilled it at the end of those awful 2 months.
If my commitment to my faith is the problem i will naturally relax my grip and my  inborn deep faith  though i can't see  as to how it is affecting anyone as no one has come in open to inform me ,not a single person   , as things stand or even spoken a word about it to me or requested me to stop blogging etc without resorting to shady tricks and threats , to distract me from deeper readings into hinduism  and blogging it .for some weeks  even reading at home without even blogging it was prohibited .why this veil of secrecy? i guess it is to do with my altruistic nature that has been exploited for too long by delusional control that it has assumed such  proportions  that the victim has to pay the price for the greed of others..  who is such a fearsome foe?  why can't it let be?

Kural at 5 --a good army is one which will understand enemies  freign country'e strategy and defeta it with a betterv strategy.
so some gain from my writings?or those in know have understood what i am relating is something to do with fgn affairs, diploand enemies?
fine now save me , dont abandon us for the country , country, country.we are not soldiers but ordinary citizens

kural at 7 pm---A soldier will consider a day gone waste if he is not wounded in a battle with the enemy.

A half deafperson came carrying his daughters  horoscope  saying that he worked in telecom --l and left.
Wasn't  china given huge investment in telecom by previous regime?Is he suggesting that China is the enemy that is probing and sucking my thoughts?Who knows? only those ion know of things. mine is just links and guess work.
The place where i live is te constituency of former telecom minister.If present cm wouldnt have called the former cm a traitor few weeks back , after a blog of mine lamenting at  the rationale behind hounding a victim in a in natl plot, i would have never made the connection between my very public diary /house/thoughts to former cm's active involvment or conniavance .

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Is it obvious?---- 22.7.14 7 am

Had quite a good sleep .The following suspicion arises in my mind .

1. That i am being deliberately set up as  strong  in my faith or as totally self centred.The joining of the party was to be a test and every one reading my long tussles with conscience would have thought that i am a true hindu who re entered only after the 10 th day. of the ceremonies.Actually didn't i announce my re  entry on 10 th june the 3 rd day of the ceremonies itself?Had i been  strong in my faith i ought to have said democracy can wait till i fulfill my religious duties as a Hindu .  i guess that i should again formally announce it only after 13 day ceremony was deliberately planted in my mind to either show  me as totally un feeling  to my hub's life and condition due to my self centredness  or due to my 'strong hindu beliefs'.Viewers please understand when ever i am tested etc i am also put in a hazy and dizzy state unlike my normal ,alert,feeling  self  which deadens my responses.

2. That i am being  built  up as  a person who is the shadowy adviser of the pm .Specially to my in natl viewers .To what end? Diplomacy? Or embarass the govt ? or put my and families life in danger since it is often suggested to me that there are many,who will not take kindly to me being the 'unofficial  idea giver 'to a  foe and help him even if it is shown to be forcibly extracted from me or brushed off when i offer it in proper forum like in the party .And then spread hatred against me so that it would be easy to provoke anyone  and make them do the job? --viz our extermination?By the very persons who having connived with my larger than life built up in in natl arena  by taking part in squeezing me dry of my locked up views under the previous regime  are finding me a thorn and an irritant in the changed  political circumstances  with fast depletion of my stock of ideas/imagination  [having constantly squeezing it out for2 yeras without any break  to recharge ] and as a person who may have guaged a few embarrassing details in diplomacy specially in that which several countries of the world either took part ,-- the triangle-- or were watching  the unfolding drama with me  playing a role it, keenly ,in the run up to the general elections.

 So what does all this add to? That i have to pay for the sins of others whether  i like it or not .The convenient scape goat who can be put to death so that some persons  may breathe easy.

The more i think in a cool manner   deeply about the delusion i am put in and the myth thatis being cretaed around me as idea giver to the ruling party  it is becoming very apparent that it is being done with some  shady objective in mind  as i have observed in para 2.
i remember that the election manifesto of ruling party was prepared after receiving suggestions from more than a lakh people over an year !so where do i and my ideas figure when i didn't send a single suggestions to the party ? Running of fast trains or setting up of iims and iits in each state and so on are  not my suggestions .

.So there is some ulterior motive in creating that  image .  

Explanation and request.

This is to all poltcians, grpus and communities and individuals.
Please take with a pinch of salt the abuse and controversial views that are being vaccuumed out of my mind as i sleep or relax since its germ could have been planted into my sub conscious by persons with agendas of thier own .Kindly ignore them and try not to hold me or my hub or son responsible for such views .
 
Political leaders are  never in  my mind as well as my hub's or son's  .I watch them on tv  or read about them in newspapers, may be ruminate a bit  and then forget , so do they. Very  controversial views of minorities are also alien to my nature as well as to my hub and son .

Kudan kulam --meaning ''The pond where all meet ''.From my diary --21.7.14--6.30 am

Herad kural at 6 am " when good words are available  one must not use harsh words .It is like hankering for  a fruit  that has not ripened when a ripe fruit is available."
as i entered the kitchen to prepare coffee after waking up at 3 am and lying fully awake ,first in my bedroom than in a sudden thought that t as better for my hub if i sared  his room for remaining f the night ,so went there and lay down beside him who was snoring loudly with rise and fal of his  belly  that has become enormos  in past few months , saw a seive that is used to remove chaff from wheta lying on the floor .
I remember that as i lay analysing the drama i saw yesterday as well as aarticle i read in a local apaper  i suddenly clenched my teeth for onravelling the past one month torment and injustise  of it all and may ave cursed csime onre otr the other  in power.Who is that person  in receipt of my abuses for few seconds  i do ot recall in fact i forget it the next instant  , hence iam writing all this now itsef lest i forget this also and thus not expalin myself and cause more and more heat burns  and trouble for myself.
There many ways in which one lets of steam .Crying and abusing are my  two forms of let offs apart from few othersWhen i was about to cry at 3 am when i woke up bolt upright at this unerathly hour and started closing the glass  windows and lay in hot interiors didnt switch on the ac  as i was wary of it sucking in whartecver probes and rays that are hovering outside in the open space but switched on the transi for music but was careful to keep it waway from my body lest either it or i transmit something through it  and herad soulful tunes played on a flute that drew me dep dep into the universe where my late son was slowly apperaing  with hi usual smile that made me plunge into that unresolved grief once again with my presnt impossible position snf predicament ading to it . The thretas  i have been facing for past two months that it lay squarely in my hands though the culprits were some one else  to save the honour of our country., democracy etc at the cost of my family and my life  and if i was smart enough to somehow manage to save both! No wonder my shoulder has become hunched and bowed .The burden too tough to take on , all alone.The scared faces that greet me where ever i go adds further to my fera and makes me lose  my confidence in my self.The constant watch has mede me very nervous and to lose satisfaction from the ordinary pleasyres f life like etaing , watching tv or walking freely .
Am i a professional soldierv  to face enemies without bothering about life and put   my life and my family's for the sake of my country? No ! Soldiers do it volutarily whilst i was pushed into this forcibly .Naturally there is patriotism in me like  the next person  but it doesnt extend to such an extent that for having it , an ordinary middle aged householders like us and our innocent son and close relatives as well have tpo ay for it with our lives.Does this hapen in any other country?Then what is the need for aving army navy etc?What are able bodied and well trainable men for? Whist we in 50's and 60's have to climb mountains with degenerating  hearts to face and tackle the enemies?Isnt such  a unusual  set up un heard of in other countries?
O.K back to my slipping into teras , when suddenly my hub barged in [cased?]to use th etoilet giving me  ascare.He walked  away  in heavy tread. My teras dried .Had i cried my mind would have cleraed and i may not have lain awake thinking , linking and cursing  .So may be there was adesign in that sudden movement of hub.
i dont know whether writing all this i am putting myself ad hub to more danger or not .But some how i feel that it is my role to write this diary as well as my daily activities.apart from token visit to party office.By writing i can clera my mind and also clera the foggy atmosphere sorrounging me and enable those who cahn discern the iner meanings to arrive at conclusions that could save our lives and free us from this deathly trap with its vice like grip.
okback to my abusing at 3.30 or 4 am As i didso herad some vessel fall in kitcen which i didnt investigate then itself but slipped into a tiny nap.
Well now, not remembering as whom i abused   scares me and hence this long winding expalnation to all those shameless people whoatre bent on proboing , sucking out my thoughts and using them for ulterior purposes even before i give a concrete form in words written in this diary or elewhere.Agai does this happen elewhere in this world?That a citizens mind is constantly bombarded , probed , planted with conflicting thoughts and sucked out ?What a dirty game this is.Aernt there enough palnets in this universe where such technology can be put to use for migration of people than wasting it on political intelligence insteda of probing a tired brain like mine .I have to write this diary an innatl one precisely because of mt innatl friends to comabat innatl, natl and local enemies  if i and my family has to get out of this mess in one peice.

ok now recounting my daily activities.
yesterday went otfor walkat 7 am thinking tis and that .The roads lined with treesare in ull bloom The gumoharshave studded their emerald green leaves with ruby red petals .again i coudnt drink in the beauty of ature and fill myself with spirtual satisfaction theway i would have 2 yeras back and feel reccharged .I just glanced at it without any pleasure.After a listless wlk whilst retrning back saw a old woman curled up on the pavement ,the exact place where abulldozer had paced menacingly up ad down the day my observations of my trip to the beach and back was  scripted in my mind in we ors and sucked out .couple of weks back.She was curled up then also and my herat missed a fewbeta sat the proximity of that monstrous vevicle in her space.
Brushing aside  a vey strong internal wrning not to give her money or face consequences, probably to either test or put an end to my altruistic streak ,   i droped er atebn rupee note  ,She looked at me with glazed eyes in grtaitude and touched and folded her palms at me as a gesture of mute thanks.I immediately felt my head clear and all my feras vanished that instant.I felt that who ecver was troubling me were in no match to the one who is above ,all.The sky looked bluer  and vaster and the cloudsshone with  silver specks.My herat lifted and ifelt confident  and felt it was ok to to be myself  .
The hunger ifelt when i saw those people from a  loqwer economic  strata gorging on steaming idlis  bought from road side vendors on myway back , vanished as i had te satisfaction that with that 10 rs that frail old woman could satisfy her hunger at esast for 3 days ,if she could make it to the govt canteen or sme one bougyt her idlis from there.
In the next lane a black street dog suddenly pounced on a smaller brown dog and bit it.The smaller one ran away dazed and feraful.Further down saw a oldetr , thinner tired version of pf with long hair and sacred ash on his forhead dragging himself  by with slumped shoulders whilst i was feeling pretty high and alive.

Then coking, then read articles on net of the rights

Evening went to a play .Nice one. About sendig a space shuttle with   a athiest as head and a theist as his junior and a l woman scientist and a down to erath affable minister and his pa, assistant and  a spy thrown in .The theist observed that since us and wn countries was putting too many retsrictionslike tey didrecently on a nuclear pant on the ground that itwasspilling waste on to the sea we i india must rely on own brains to develop .The minister pitches in and the shuttle is sent.


After getting back home a car with govt of india drove away in the front.Had dinner and read the paper .An humorous article about a cahrcter in a film sent me into ,peals of laughter It loked like a comic version of my real life tragedy for th epast 1 month in particular and 2 yeras in general.
It lesened my tension amnd made me sleep wel and i connected the dots of the article when i woke up at 3 am and my heart sank and mind was filled with anger and would have abused those who nearly killed my hub and also drove  me to my brink.

This is what i made out.as gleaned fromthat art

That i am a split .one tough and other docile.The former hero was caught by defence honcho's and cbi  , which does  sevarl work  not connected to its real work who used methods borrowed from guantemano bay only that they by mistake took a joke manual to torture that tough hero to ferret out the truth .And when they gave a shock the transformer --my hub i sppos couldn't take the load  and burst which led to power crisis in t nadu which it is yet to recover from .he predicted that actor would become cm next.
the parrele story of a maths genius of last cent had few lines about how those studying  on 8 th std  being in teens were full of hormoes that made them have several suitorsandtherfore cannot be trusted to have fidelity.

o.k i made a connection .So i am also that teen  stucjk in age 14 [so i was and am  made to be stuck deliberatyely , iremember writing my diary in  very good vacabulary,routinely that amazed me even before that 20 12 .since i used to write a diary only sketchily and haphazardly till i think 2010..So something fishy was going on much much before] .  as aslo creative /mathematical like that genius.Work of adjustment breau? Can never trust these extreme secularists who had a free run in last regime and probably still do .

It is one of th etime tested methods to doubt the morality /fidelity of women who are forward to put them down.

ok back.So transformer   is my hub whose medications for heart prescribed every month may have deadened the immunity system to fight back .and was slowly collapsing at the don juan methods .Was he dying ? or going batty?prob both.And i was definetly going batty.at tis 25 day long torture .Then it was  lesened and the grip reaxed insted of going for the kill which could have the original aim .What made tis happen?Sinepower crisr was mentioned i am linking this to news iread then that the kkpwas being shut for  a month .What made thi shapen to aplant tat wasbgoing ahead in full steam? The agitators have gone, hence i conect this to the amazing fact that my hbs detoriating conditions came tothe notice ofin natl community my viwers who deciderd to restrain the govt here by stopping kkn production on some   grounds may be environmental to stop the torture of  amiddleclas famuily  whom many in inatl community may have alsoexpolited but but there could also  be many who actually liked us and felt us to be one of them so as to stop this inhuman tretment.                                                                                                                     Thanks to you all .My eyes fill with tera s as i ackowledge your care andconcern .True humanity.

                 Thanks to that journo as well who made me see it all .
Though many may view me as traitor in here though it is no fault of mine . i aws actaully built up asiduosly in here as a  person having a say in inantl community without my knowledge or consent.As a   citizen  leading a midle classlife if it is a choice between my family's life, safety and well being and country's honour in a situation  which was not of my making but this very country's and may be other inquisitive country's groups,politiciansmedia and even govt machinery i will naturalyy put my family's life ad peace above the  nation and i have.Why should an ordinary diarist like me stick out my neck when thetre leaders and persons who are in such a  high position and jobs and  are  aware of the risks that  their job entails and are  willing to stick out thier necks on being assured of rings and rings of safety nets around them to do their jobs without any distraction or insecurity ?.

The sanctions i guess are for stopping the power roduction at kudankulam on grounds of environmemt .The very power plantb for which i fought bravely  ,to secure th emunifence from russia  for sake of betterment of living conditions of my people viz my country's citizens .Irony!
In hindsight maybe i should have given in then itself and secured my release  then itself.Only ,i didnt know as to what was happening and how deep the web was insteda felt thrilled that due to my latesomn'd desire that i blog, i was able to get a such a good deal for my country just by writing and then with hold writing.
If only i had known then tself that by writing what was expected of me without any anlysis  that i would be saving my hub's ,son's reltives and mine , i would have written that which was expected of me and  controlled  my urge to  link .deals between countries for development etc is the job f country' heads and not mone.I would have obeyed the suggestions ad orders and quietly slipped of and let the political laeders at the helm handle  it at  atime and palce of thier choosing  , if onyi had known then itself that i was uwittingly staking the life of my hub's son's , mine and relatives.

Just who are these political leaders? so far i was thinking it could be the ruling onse from previous regime .what if it wasnt and it was th eopposition .I can  digest it  to a certain extent if it was the former but what if it was thelatter.? All those i admired and held in high esteem  for so many yeras for thier sincerity, honesty ,humane outlook would come crashing down from their high pedestals and it would be very dificult  for me to digest it.This would be coupled with the feling of being betrayed  by the very people i trusted so deeply and went seeking refuge and seek solutions  to the problem  of non stop invasion of privacy by media and others as well as harassments and humiliations and not informing me plainly as to what i was and am up against..

Yesterday i also corrected a blog i had written before elections  under deliberate needling that had made me write offensive views on minorities .That post kept niggling me ever since i wrote it ,since i actually have no ill will towards minorities . I am living amongst them for past 12 yeras without any friction or ill will .so do my hub and son .But i wanted to teach the politicians a lesson for un necessarily trifling with my peaceful life ,hence i kept it on with the hope and trust that they would be responsible enough as not to exploit that post .Then i forgot about it.under constant harrassment .  Few days back i  decided to correct that post by writing my true views  and did so yesterday.
Had fixed an appointment with ent to un block my eras but a call came thatent was on leave .Am i being given a chance to blog this and may be other recent diary writings as well ? A choice between life and death by the very person or persons who have the capacity coupled with full backing of authorities ,to take life away ,before i get too lulled by medicines i may be prescribed mainly  to cure my anxiety and thus lose my very basic instinct  for self preservation of my son's  and hub's and my life ? 

It appears that since threat to my hub's life was somehow averted either by act of god or due to intervention of humane friends here and abroad it is my only surviving son's life which is under threat .The fact that young men are constantly shown ,walking or chatting seems to be giving indication where the next threat lies.Whom can i appeal to save his life?I have made so many and yet i have received no information, plain and square  from concerned authorities .
Aernt there millions of citizens living happily and peacefully with thier families in this country? Why shouldnt i and my family?

Kural at 1 pm --"If a person wants to give but others stop it out f jealousy then those around will deny such jealous persons of food, clothes ,shelter and water."


Kural at 6 pm --living without fame is of no use.

For past few days my hub's [ i noticed when we went out together] as well as my attention has been drawn to to young men riding on motorbikes as well as to buxom  women ,mostly young in  t shirts or see through sarees.
Ferw days back i remember well drssed women of n e cahtting outside a house on my returmn from a walkIt seemed an odd place and too early in morn for such a lively gathering.
Today too when i went out my attention was sought to be distracted by young men  who looked like those working in IT  , mostly hapy faced but a few sad and unshaven young men also shopped by my side!
I have to mention all this becuase i find it all very sinister specially after i swa the ns of murder of  ane boy in delhi
the ptg of IT  boys is also  very scary and my mind naturally makes a connection to my IT son and makes me fera for his safety
just who is showing me all this? .is it actually enacted and does it bear links?

Heard kural 8 pm ' control anger otherwise it will kill one'---Is it for me?Did i  abuse any one publicly?Did i abuse any one before i was pushed to  a corner?even a rat will turn nad fight its hunter  . i have been needled for 2 tyeras withiout any one coming to my rescue openly.I can bet that the mildest person would turn even more angry than me  if he or she was put in such a dictatorial set up for 2 yeras  as i was held and  am still being held and in constantly  receives degrading and de humanising humiliations every day .

As  i walked back , in even i drew support from the sacred fig leaves flapping from the road side whose delicate leaves were rose tinged indicating its  newly born status that seemed to say .men may come amd go but we will grow and regenerate again and again and spread our sacredness all around and guard all of you a oin th maner we have been doing since long  and will continue to do so.don't worry. i felt relief wash over me. 

A ambas  car with name 'govt of india' drove by .



 

Fear most foul.-------4.7.14. 8 am.--Friday.From my diary

My dear diary  ,

My hand is shaking as i write this .This is my present condition .All my confidence gone with fear tearing through my body .The fear of losing near and dear one's.

Let me go chronologically as  and how i draw it  out from my memory.

First the fear of losing my son was put  i think after i wrote that long diary on 1.6.14.castigating newly elected political leaders .Castigating political leaders is something which i have never done before.I am guessing that my anger  is something to do with the some sort of rays directed at the base of my spine when in abject frustration of the continuance of my illegal crazy house arrest like situation with no privacy even whilst using the toilet or bathroom which could be available even to a  common prisoner in a cell made me deliberately use my body as a form of protest in my bathroom [as i had tried other legal ways out and  none of them worked ] either the day before or on that very day [don't remember] and also show my rebellion at the continuing state of my being denied my right to property and right to enjoy it peacefully with full privacy like any and every  citizen of this country is enjoying.I had got fed of having to put up with it for 2 years under the previous regime and was hoping that once the new one took over i 'll be freed immediately of my humiliating position .
The fear put in me was that since i called the new pm names in my diary my son's life was in danger from party  cadres in the place of  his work and there fore i must resign from it if i were to save his life .I had high fever and my body ached all over but i decided not to see a doctor since taking medicines could make me lose my alertness and lull me into a sense of false security.

I was in a dilemma whether to continue to be in the party  or resign from it.My hub earlier had expressed the opinion in one of my earlier dilemmas prior to this incident[ borne out of the frustration of the continuance of intrusion into my privacy , which he still refuses to believe] that it is best if i stay on in this party since they are in  command of most assets and it would be most foolish thing to leave a party that is in ascendancy.  On 5 he was out of town and i was beset with the dilemma which was now laced heavily  with fear and i landed in nearby house a long time resident and sought advise as to whether i should continue or not .He advised me to stay on if i wanted my son to get married and that i shouldn't get too involved in the party affairs as i have been only a house wife for past so many years and wasn't tough or ambitious enough to withstand the blood and gore which is part and parcel of politics  and   added that only god can save me from the situation i have landed in , of which he knows since he and his family were in the thick of it in the previous regime, but will not or cannot divulge .He also asked me to look at the positives in others and ignore the negatives.Curiously he went on say  that since he studied in Christian institutions he more or less knew in the concepts and said isn't being born is itself a sin?I said no .As his wife wanted more on that i explained that as per hinduism being born as a human being is the top most and prized position conferred upon a living thing so that it may use this birth to perform only good deeds and thus attain the ultimate bliss.It is a chance given to a soul to free itself from the cycle of birth and death  and obtain bliss.At this his wife nodded her head in satisfaction and seemed quite pleased at my explanation.!

He made it sound like this--That i have caught a tiger by its tail unwittingly and also under force, which i can neither hold nor let go off  with peril to me and  my family either way.That is i should be a member of the party   but i need not  take active part in it and just visit its premises once in a while and also not to blog  or write any thing that is too critical of any one and write about the positives.

Any way my fear made me over look his advise and i dragged my heavy and aching body on 6.7.14 and walked unsteadily all the way since not a single auto was available  and gave the sec my resignation letter as well as my primary card .The sec said that there was no concept of resigning from primary membership and asked me to just blog that i don't belong to any party without hurting any one.I came 3/4 th way back on foot and again returned to the office on foot as still no auto was available  and asked him to keep my card .I was so scared that if anyone saw me put the card in its niche  my continuing membership  would provoke any one who could be so provoked.My son came home safely the next morn.

Earlier on 4.7.14.i had written a piece in my diary guessing with usual links i make from new items, blogs and from tv news and may be a little bit of suggestion as well  from above floor that  a cabinet rank minister was the one handling issues regarding civil society and there fore must have handled me  also before the elections and was continuing to do so and he must refrain from doing so.here after and he must  trust  his leader's abilities. After writing it i was under tremendous pressure to blog it . I was weak and tired after long imposition writings .i also resented being arm twisted as to  what i should publish and its timing . so i didn't.
In hind sight may be i should have . I f there is
a mystery around my b.ils death when he seemed to be making good progress in earlier weeks , right on 8 th of june a day before the first  par session was to commence , i might have averted loss of life before time by blogging that piece.

I vaguely suspected foul play and was under tremendous pressure to castigate the new pm and our democracy .in my diary.As i do not like to be arm twisted i refused and i also reasoned that if i gave in to this emotional blackmail i 'll always be vulnerable to such suggestions and threats.whether real or fake.So i refused to burst out emotionally on my diary which i suspect is open to  media world over.

Even if every one pretends that i am a non entity , may be i am in here but i know that i have inter national audience owing to my blogging and i didn't want to demean the position of  pm  and ministers when it  was all set  to address the parliament for the first time .moreover having watched and reading about  most of the  election campaigning  through tv blogs and news  after a gap of very many years, and  taken in  at the enthusiasm shown by nearly whole of  India it made me remember my grand father's role in freedom movement and in drafting of the constitution and i just couldn't get myself to let my gf  down by this act of resigning though forced upon me ,which would send signals that i was protesting against the very system my grand father so sincerely helped to create -in this case parliamentary democracy . I didn't want to disrespect his memory though much water has flowed since those days of idealism and sincerity.It was  a tribute to him.

Hence on 10 th i took back my primary card which the sec had kept idling in his desk and then tweeted that i continued to be the member of bjp.

Actually i wanted to  continue as member of the party   .It was the fear that was put into me that made me resign .The fear continued though i either took control over it on that day 10 th or the control over me was loosened so that i may act as per my will and from the very next day as par session ended i started to delete my political status as fear gained control over me again.Then i decided to stay off the net , news etc as i thought that too much of news was jumbling my thoughts.I felt my mind to be constantly acted upon and my brain felt twisted .During this period i was made to do some sort of adjustments by talking [ i guess the bug is in the drawing room ]  and also deleting some blogs and writing a few  conciliatory ones . .

Thence forward the fear of losing my son was replaced by the fear of losing my husband if i didn't make my membership to the party clear..I held on as explained in my 2.7.14.diary from 10 --19 in the period of mourning.As a typical Hindu i wanted to rejoin the party  only after the 13th day ceremony of my [scape goat?]b.il.the final day when normal life is resumed. But my husbands sick and fatigued look and a bloated body which he was dragging around and which kept getting worse day after day which made me announce my re entry on 11th day of the  rituals viz 19 when the priest said that by sprinkling the water made sacred by reciting Vedic mantras would sanctify our house and all articles and all its inhabitants.Soon after sprinkling the sanctified water i tried to restore my profile in sujataism  2 which indicates my membership but by some quirk or manipulation i lost that page completely and i had to blog my profile as  a post .i tried to restore the profile but couldn't .
on 13 th day  as we ate the feast the wind splattered the half eaten food of my brothers leaf on to my face and hands .We were both shaken for a moment.On that day i was shown police vehicles and a van and car with the two central ministries names.

I felt that i had to do penance for announcing my decision to re enter the party before the 13 th day. And i didn't know how didn't have energy to seek priests advise . My twisting of mind and body as well as  jamming my mind continued without a break for nearly 25 days -- 4 - 29, that gave me sleep less nights and listless days.i was dragging myself  but did my house work and went for walks but lost total interest in tv net and news and avoided the noisy arguments  at 9 pm on  pvt channels tho' i did have a quick look at news, and watched dd and read only the two main newspapers --Either I was made to lose  the inclination to write [handwork of securities ]  or i was really  determined  not to write .This past 1 month has taught me that securities can be very tough if they are  determined or ordered to and that they had been treating me with quite delicately all this while. . I remember that one night may be on 24 th  i felt like as if a noose had tightened over my neck and i  pleaded to the  pm   that if any one wanted to do away with me please ask them to do it painlessly by flushing chloroform through ac., One evening in those jumbled up days i heard pf talking loudly in his deliberately modulated lisp to the watchman to use the bore and metro pump alternately as the water was sinking rapidly and if the pumps were not switched off in time it would get burnt out and observed that the metro was getting dry fast and it was but matter of days and that there as nothing to worry about.I felt that this was directed towards  me and that he was informing me of  my imminent death in his cool manner.I found dark satire  even in that terrible situation thinking how long it would take my brain that i felt had shrunk, to  become like  a peanut . Despite all this crude and harsh treatments the niggling guilt made me some how totter to a school weaving like a drunken person ,to donate.When i paid the 12 th std  fees   to a father less poor student  of a school on 27 th  i felt that i had done the penance and felt assuaged.
The ray attack was so  vicious and non stop that i felt that i would either go totally batty or just drop dead.all of  a sudden  maybe on 28 th r 29 th the attacks were withdrawn .in a haze i read the  news of building collapse in a suburb and also noticed that my hubs leg was again swelling.He too noticed it only then and he went for a checkup to his usual doc who withdrew the earlier tab he had prescribed the earlier week and wrote a new one which had the desired effect of draining the excess liquid and swelling slowly abated.

When the jamming was lessened  i regained my self and found the courage to share my hubs mat as i  dearly wanted his comforting presence  which  in all the years that have rolled by since our marriage, only he has given.

Then i felt free to write and i did on 1 july.and then on 2 nd and blogged my 2.4.14 diary first  and as i was doing it felt my left ear going stone deaf with a ringing and niggling pain .Instant punishment.
Yesterday 3.7.14 i put it on draft fearing the political class and blogged the other piece , which was the opinion i originally had of political leaders ,before the 20 12 operations.Under hub's request went to a doc a huge  lout who examined my throat and knocked at my  teeth and scarcely examined my ear and tried to rub his thing on my thighs which i avoided deftly   and saw admiration and respect in is eyes and therefore left it at that .All the while one young woman was giggling in the background and a man in black clotehs was writing out the prescription .
Evening rang up son who said that he was off to another city to give an exam and will be back to his work place on 8 by flight.
The date 8 sent alarm bells ringing .Felt fear course through me and i asked him to return either earlier or later than that date  which in is usual manner ,made light of though i could detect a slight doubt , a tiny waver ,in his voice at my words of caution ..
Since he will not listed to ei ave to write t since the date 8 has been doging me since
1. Delhi's fractured verdict --8 dec
2. The disappearance of air craft  370 on 8 March
In both cases i had a role to play , through my writings which were needled  out of me with non stop directions to my  sub conscious for days and weeks together without a break.That i held on in the penultimate week is known to those who know of this.

Recently the death of my b.il on 8 june just before par session .

And now the  par session will take place from 7 july onwards .

And as usual i am finding a link.If i am crazy it is fine .Or if i am being set up to show that i am not all that tough but a woman after all ,even that is fine.What if i am not all that  crazy as is being made out or i am not being set up ,then there is a risk to my son's life in that flight or even there after ,maybe  to nix the par proceedings?
Am i being targeted because some one at very top is either fascinated  or is  repulsed by my ideas and me?What ever ,such person or persons have to provide the protection to my family at any cost.

Even if i am not that  worried about losing my life , my husband and son do want to live and lead  a normal  life and i do want to be alive to see them lead a good life and take part in it  like any other wife/ mother / citizen of this country.I have been dragged forcibly into this whole sordid affair of political wars without my knowledge or consent .And i have been registering my protest since day one, viz from April  2012 onwards and even much much earlier in my blogs all of which was of no avail. Why should i be made to pay  with my and my family's life, for some traitors  misdoings or some one's dubious dealings?I am the victim who was  and is still being exploited shamelessly  in real terms but i am viewed  and am being treated as the  culprit !

If this sounds filmy it is the truth " Take my life  and leave them alone .I am the culprit.Not them" .This is  to my  enemy  who ever that may be..

Woke up at 3 in the morning today after a sound sleep  after a long long time .Maybe due to  the medicines .
Then i got o thinking should i re publish my 2.7.14.piece or not? I think  that my writings and its viewers are my safest bet .whether any political leader comes to my rescue or not i have to safeguard my  interests --family  by myself and that is by writing it all out and making it public by blogging it .

I think  that just as i was given a choice to blog on 4 th June  to avert a mishap i was given a chance to blog my 2.7.14.diary and this time i am exercising it to avert any further mishaps to my family ,friends and relatives and to myself.

note: i deleted all this just before the meeting  of US reps with the govt in here as i was arm twisted to do so and i am retyping it and publishing it .again

ps.I have a feeling that the on going par session has given me a  reprieve  and i hope that who ever is in charge will not start the harsh jamming etc all over again.My left ear is still blocked .i still wake up  at 3.30 and am alert and with too much energy .i have been taught to take commands and avoid certain people , places and bodily  postures [even the very, very  ordinary &natural ones --at 56 after 2 deliveries , a pot belly , can any one believe this?Just what was done and is being done to me that i am treated like a teenager at times and at times like  a  35 year old  and at times like a greying old woman?So is my 60 year old hub like as if he is in his 30' or 40's ,Who is doing  this macabre  drama that started in 2012?why ?what for?Why was i built up in innatly  without my consent but surely under some powerful person or persons consent or conniviance ?Was i to be a diarist like that teen in our bordering country ?Her consent as well as her father's consent was taken .Did any one take mine or my hub's openly before launching me in a forcible role ?.No

.Why should i now pay so dearly  for the acts of omission and commission of others who are totally  unconnected to me?Did i ask for the manicured fame? Did i get  a penny out of it? Why was i forced to  lose  my privacy , my peace and my family life ? Instead of catching the real culprits why should a innocent person like me and my family  be so tortured and threatened ?Is this justice?Doesn't my plight bother any one in here?Why should i be always on alert like a female james bond?Is all this necessary at my age when i ought to be going on a pilgrimage with a free mind or rock a grand child on my knees ?Am i paid to be a agent or  enjoy status, protection  and power politicians command that i have to shoulder the burden which was  forcibly put  on me all alone with more and more thrashings ?

again the temple has played  a song welcoming  a female deity at 6 pm now on 17.7.14  ---advising me to be on guard .The trap i have landed into is  beyond my abilities  and capacities ,  out of it. without help from authorities.!

From my diary --2.7.14--wednesday --6.30.am.

Dera diary ,
 If this is an international diary my avid readers of my very personal diary[how very shameful to peep into others diary as and when it is  written in the privacy  of one's  house] must be wondering as to why i stopped writing my diary all of a sudden.
First it became somewhat clear that what i write in my diary specially my emotional pourings [which are deliberately needled] could be used by any one with an hidden agenda,to defame my society, denigrate the duly elected political leaders , institutions ,just about anything and i don't like it.Not one bit.Even if i am totaly ignorant as to who is behind all this  i could never stomach being a traitor or considered as a traitot  ,to my country even if it is the result of my innocent observations .
Hence i exercised a terrific control over my urge to pour everything out and get relief from my mental tortures.
Secondly i felt a threat of death to my family members.Just like in the  films , an hero [ok in here a heroine]  who does not fear losing his life would be arm twisted by such threats  to his family , i too felt so.But this threat did not come with a caveat that i should stop writing the diary or blogging it .This made me doubly suspicious .[now  a days i am suspicious of most things].This took place when my b.il  who was recovering from his ailment suddenly took a turn for the worse and i remember him saying that he had lost trust in doctor's and he passed away the next week --8 th of june,during which period i suffered high fever, bitterness in mouth and was put the fear of death of near and dear one's and to write down my fears and suspicions  which i refrained as i felt that it was something to do with the first session of parliament and i didn't want to throw a spanner in the democratic process.I am writing all this only now because i think it is the only way  that i know which can save and protect the life of my family .If media is in here they could be a check on vile schemes of politicians or individual or groups.

But the fear of losing near and dear one's was so scary ,that is i linked  my extra ordinary situation  to my activity on net , diary ,etc that the fear jammed my mind, thoughts and activities initially and later forcibly, mainly writing which has brought me a intangible but somewhat real fame or popularity what ever it may be--one thing was made clear [suggestions from above] that my husband's life is clearly under threat ,later my son's life as well as close  relatives life was added to the list and this came with a specific demand of making clear my political membership on the net.with vague hints as to from which quarter they were issued from.

I hated this emotional arm twisting and held on reasoning  with various justifications  for nearly 2 weeks i think from 4 to 19 th june and gave in only when i realised that whether i wanted to live or not , my husband wanted to , he enjoys life unlike me and if i have been given the power of determining his life i will use it to grant him his life and pushed away my ego, rebellion , sense of injustice at my individual rights being so shamefully trampled at  and ,Hindu philosophy that teaches karma to take things as pre destined since i am not an ignorant country bumpkin to draw comfort from this  doctrine only from fatalistic view point  and just let it be but well read and quite well informed to take it to mean that 'you reap as you sow in this birth as well as in the next ' which also under lines this doctrine and succumbed to the demand with the overwhelming feeling --What if the threats were real? Though none of the threats were overboard  in speech or in writing ,only symbolic hints.More over having spent 30 years of married life it was not easy to contemplate life without him  on what ever   we may have argued over and whatever resentments i had against him .

Today when i woke up at 3.30.am which has become the norm for past several months  unlike when i used to get up only at 6 , i pondered whether i should write my diary or not .Would it help me or not ?And just what is there to write in my diary apart from my explaining my ominious silence , than writing that i woke up at such a scush a time , had coffee herad music walked ,cooked saw tv or a bird ? All so mundane stuff ,that does it need writing?I have got over that phase of recording my observations of all those ordinary daily takes ,though it is scripted in my mind, .It is too mundane to jot it all down .I remembered that i was given a choice to blog one of my diary pieces few days before the death of my bil, that may have averted the death of my bil or the suspicion that his death was before his time and i didn't exercise it and this time i felt that i was given a choice once again and i decided to exercise it and not wait till the threat actually is put in place.

So i have written this only to explain my stopping writing this diary to myself to sort out my jumbled thoughts and fera as well as to others , if there are any , with my husbands rapidly swelling feet. Again an emotional arm twisting by people with hidden agendas which i am unable to guess or reason out only that it is something to do with state , national and international--an triangle and i am caught in between this triangle.

The following are the other threats i was  made to perceive,

1. That i should not share the bed of my husband and this ban was lifted only two days back and that freed my mind and gave me the impetus to write all that i was put through and forced to endure
2.I must still dress, relive ,bathe etc in utter darkness in my own house and not remove unwanted hair etc for some months and never get to see my body, the amount of flesh i may have added or check out the state of my skin in full light . 
3. That what ever i speak is so sensitive and charged thst it is bound to cuase disturbances .
4. I shouldn't even think ill of others  , those living nearby, man on street relatives, ,politicians , just about any one or anything even in the privacy of my mind or speak it .
5.That what ever i write will cause mischief in political circles specially when parliament is in session or a foreign dignitary is on a visit.
Actually the above notings viz--5 -is true as my eralier writings and fera expressed in this very diary page sugets.
I am clearly an pawn in some complicated political game and threats and restrictions are either to silence me or take full control over me .

I reda in rd yesterday Democracy is stable in long run but fragile in short period --by Madeline  of US .An very good observation based on experience

Our democracy is still fragile specially in this transition period , hope it steadies itself and comes back to its feet as quickly as possible.

ps.I put this on redraft and several other diary writings  when budget session of par started, as usual not wanting to sully  the image of our  political process and also  in tribute to my grand father who so lovingly took part in the drafting of the constitution of india after agitating and obtaining India's freedom  from Britishers and was the speaker of  Lok sabha in its early tender days  . A lot of water has flown since then and now, yet i being his descendant didn't want to be the one to cause disrespect to his faith in the constitution and the deep pride he had in parliamentary democracy.
pps. As in the past whenever i felt insecure and need of protection i often sought refuge in the blog created for me by my late son and this time the need was simply overwhelming  that overcame my resolve not to blog and have blogged this.



I even deleted several of them . But i have decided to retype this diary page and either save or it re publish it for  safety of my  family's life .They are totally innocent and if any one has to take flak for offending some one or some group it is me alone  even if those who have taken offense actually allowed or were turning a blind eye to the  humiliating situation i was subject to for past 2 years.to continue which made me so very unnaturally abusive,too bold and  provocative so as to  slander  many a  person as well as politicians  in writing , .
Note --I was shown police vans and vehicles carrying the placard defense and finance on the 13 th day ceremony of my late  brother in law .Again a symbolic pointer. Only those in know of things would know the truth  and i am writing what was hinted at.Again i am impelled to do so overcoming my caution not to cast slur on people holding high offices but with the  stomach wrenching fear and uncleared doubt -'what if?.'

Nowhere to hide-- successful completion. 6.7.14. sunday -9.35.am

Went to bed at 10 but didn't get a wink of sleep.I was going through the reactions/observation of the nature and capacity of  woman political leader whom i saw just in flash of few seconds on tv. and then started correcting it by blaming myself for being envious  of that person's personality,energy,  etc.This went on and on and i decided  that i'd better share my hub's bed  at this unusual penitence  that was coupled with the safety of my son who is in  a metro giving a  exam --sent by his company.
As usual of late i felt ,it was  planned and so is ,his return on 8 th  .setting of alarm bells.Earlier i rang up my bub in town and cautioned him about threat of death to him owing to my forcible role  in political  power games.I did same to hub.I may appear paranoid or make me appear like one.whatever the fear has been put deeply into my heart,abdomen and body  in past 1 month of non stop jamming and heavy brain washing as to make it appear real specially after my b.il's death .
My thoughts kept running and with a shock i understood that they are being keenly read with accompanying sounds of  criticism and encouragement  like  a tap on the ceiling or a chortle.And that i am made to correct even in privacy of my mind any ill will to any one ,specially political leaders , with accompanying shrill observations in breaking news and news panels.Even if such a thought is only in passing.

How is it possible or any one to be lily pure?Don't all people experience both positive and negative  thoughts?Just show  me one person  who has reached that state in ordinary course of life .
It would be harsh to deny  any  person of her or his thought process to reach its logical end of her or is own will ,instead of intervening to set it right.This is squashing the very individuality of   a person and i feel it is being done to me.
That i month long jamming etc must be brain washing.Just who ordered this callous and inhuman torture?Just who has so much hatred towards me?Or is it hatred directed at some one else and i am being used as a pawn   for  adjustment  by super secularists ?.

I got the clue of my thoughts being read  when i landed in a nearby house  ,once again the day before.The man slipped away and his extrovert wife of my age regaled me with anecdotes etc.I watched her face and thought 'how happy she is!'and said so to her.she replied that she always admired me for being strong and bold .A gift she said.I found her gift of enjoying simple life equally worthy.
she advised me to write since it was also a rare gift and asked me not feel apologetic for writing about Hinduism .and said 'even  i go to beach  but find nothing to marvel and write about it where as some people do.'.
As i went over this conversation and that line last night a coin dropped .After visiting the  beach last week i wanted to write about the shimmering water, level sand and that makes walking easy, the dirty free toilet, the rickety bus seats ,the laughing faces of young girls in droves  going to school and also  in that bus and the suicidal way in which young school boys chased buses to board it and to  find a foot hold  but refrained from doing so and the next morning i scripted it in my mind lying half asleep.When i went for a walk a little later saw a corporation bulldozer barring my way and banging against a brick wall furiously and on my return a dirty garbage vehicle was  stuck all over with tiny lotus labels.
So that thought scripted in my mind had been read  and it was being exhibited  to me.Earlier for past 2 years s it was about the unique way i  buttoned up or dressed in my bathroom  or some such act.done in privacy .

Those persons are aware as to what is going on since they were very much into this from the time it all started  but are not coming out straight.Her voice as usual reached a high volume and speed as her hub walked in .Any way in that long talks i could gather the hint that now even my thoughts are being read .
Every person will get positive and negative reactions  and a sword cannot be dangled to say that one should never get such thoughts or otherwise!This is like  trying a person before the crime is committed .Unless i give speech to my thoughts ,some of which  i would even forget the next instant  or write it down  i cannot be held responsible for which i am yet to commit myself  for taking responsibility for having such thoughts!

This is unheard of in any state except in rare cases, if fear is impelling such acts  and if it is actually directed against some one else ,this is a cowardly thing to do.Either face the foe or meet and accept the foe or forget the foe.Whatever just do not make me a pawn in this dangerous politics of power.

As mentioned earlier when i published my blog on 2.7.14 i felt a deep  pain in my left ear.. Instant punishment.The doc didn't even remove the fungus which he said was the cause with suitable instruments instead used   forceps pressing down my tongue and knocking my teeth.totally uncalled for.Reminded me of the treatment given to a dictator .Another skit was played.
He prescribed  tablets which has taken away the pain but has not removed the block or the sound of wind whooshing by constantly.My skin across the forehead has become tightly stretched like a mask like as if it can  be peeled off  and i can tap my face specially my forehead and hear a hollow sound and  feel no sensations on the skin  My tongue  and even lips taste bitter and have lost my appetite for food and normal life.Have become more or less like a robot Talking on cue and  always correcting thoughts

The tok tok of lizards yes,yes to thoughts  has been replaced by a sharp and  intense chortle when ever i have a conversation with myself which is never ending these days The latest cue is is of sound of flapping paper.quick change!
If not for that blogger who has written about people cookers any one reading this would conclude that i am going to pieces on my own, Bless him .He has given the exact details , methods and results  which are being applied to me for past 2 years [since i became aware of it]and has intensified  after elections and change of govt .I have no doubt about my sanity .it is ok as far as i am concerned except for  short bouts of anxiety now and then.The anxiety fanned by the threats i am made to feel. These are all attempts ,quite successful owing to gadgets and power, and a long period of constant application and employed with ruthlessness and harshness to  break me down completely.
An unfair war.A hidden war waged against a  middle aged ,  middle class woman.There is nothing to trumpet over this victory by those who have nearly got it.


Just how much longer must i be forced to endure these manipulations?Why is it in such a shady manner?Why not see me in person face to face and tell me  what the problem is?Am i not old or mature to understand and adjust to things if it was made clear as to what is so troubling in my writings?And whom is it troubling?What is the need for this shady form of control and constant playacting for some minor gains and some major losses?Who is scared of whom?Isn't this an sovereign country that allows its citizens to enjoy all rights?I did fully till 2 years back.Why this sudden shackling  for past 2 years and its continuation ?unanswered questions.
  Just who are p f and co? Which law gives this power to do all this?Why can't they be removed or shifted At least i am aware but my hub is unaware and he is  too  easy going .his heart is  weakened by shady  tactics of pf and co?My son is also kept in total ignorance and kept away from us for too long a time.

this pf and co seem to be  up against me and has become too harsh these days. Who ever  in authority please remove this person and co who are becoming increasingly ruthless and monstrous..


.

Excerpts from my diary-----1.7.14.----Tuesday --7am

Dear diary,
                 Yes i have had couple of weeks of intense introspection ,after waging a successful war against my addiction  to news and more news sourced from Internet , news papers and TV channels ,by staying away from the net and breaking news  on English pvt channels and the noisy high pitched discussions at 9 pm and from spicy news on newspapers and their op eds and exercising the greatest restraint  over my urge to write  my views and reactions as a test to regain my normality.

I suppose i have .It appals me that few weeks  back i wrote such things in this diary  which was nasty and obnoxious,pulling down many political leaders ,mainly Amma,cm of Tamilnadu and our pm.

Amma was always my idol and still is.I realise that she had been protecting a political novice like me , since she assumed power,in her own quiet and strong way.I remember distinctly that she had sent a posse of policemen and women  discreetly to assure and protect me when ever i expressed my insecurities in my blogs.
I truly regret my emotional outburst few weeks back that could have maligned her image if this is a inter national diary and also to myself.

I am clearly tendering my apology to Amma and i hope that she ,magnanimously ,an part of her nature which i witness in her untiring efforts to make life easier for the down trodden by slew of measures like Amma canteen , green house etc that gives basics at unbelievably easily  affordable prices that couples in it a sense f self respect also, forgives me for my temporary insanity.

I have also  written about our PM  in this same diary.Just what came over and clouded my reasoning and respect and high esteem i always held ,the two most popular and strong leaders of this country ,when they had just won elections ,is truly unfathomable.

It must be a fit of  insanity brought about by my excessive addiction to news of various shades sourced from various means .
By keeping away with self imposed control ,i am able to see the picture more clearly now.

One of the good trait i have observed and admired in our pm is his sincere  efforts   at coming to rescue of the distressed, like those pilgrims  trapped in Uttarakand immediately thus alleviating their distress or securing the release of merchants languishing in jail  under Chinese laws in china as well as  his keen interest in  development and governance first as cm of Gujarat for more than a decade  and now for entire India as its PM .And more recently, facilitating the immediate evacuation of Indian migrant work force caught in between the cross fires  in Iraq.
 .
I still do, as i see the sincerity coupled with tremendous enthusiasm, at work in several of his actions after assuming power.

I guess in his own silent and strong way he is also helping me tide over my distress.

I hope that the pm would forgive me for my emotional outbursts that could ave unnecessarily maligned his image abroad ,if this is still an international diary.

Politics involves not only power but also public service and most political leaders are doing it ,diligently.

Since i am a member of bjp i suppose it would be truly fitting and proper of me to express my views on public affairs in the party forum once in a while at the party office and not outside and i have decided to do so.

If at all if my views can in any  way improve or uplift the conditions of all citizens of this country through a political party ,then, why not?

I have to mention here my view and admiration i always had towards some more political leaders of the ruling party.
Advani ji is full of ripe wisdom .I can without hesitation state that if there is one political leader who knows what exactly is taxing India , it would be this respected leader.

The other two political leaders are Sushmaji and A,jaitely ji both of whom have been in forefront in maintaining and carrying on tirelessly the parliamentary form of democracy that was envisaged by the founding fathers of this democracy.

Sushma ji for her intelligence, boldness and  accessibility and A, jaitely ji for his intellect and erudition.
Both are very aware of the multifarious fabric and problems that make this country and tend to deal with it appropriately.
If i have hurt them by my writings , i think i have , i do apologise for the same and hope they forgive me for doing so.
I think i have also hurt Sonia ji and Rahul ji by my writings . who are both social service oriented political leaders in their own right and substance .Hope they also forgive me.

Please note that what ever i have written above is when i fully awake ,so i take responsibility for what ever i have written.