Experiments with my emotions and the compulsive obssesion with its results.

I suffered indignities in the hands of a tailor whilst taking my measurements ,who is long known to me [, clearly acting under orders,yet ]which   made me fly into a rage on 25.9.13 and then wrote about it in my personal diary on 26.9.13 in the morning which is available for immediate  public viewing by all the bigwigs  so i am not going into the details.To be a successful politician or roaring journo or highly circulated newspaper one should not have  that normal feeling known as shame or feel even the tiniest prick of conscience and follow the policy 'all of yours is mine but mine is only for myself.
                                                                                                                                    
And then analysed its political angle and concluded that --'the presumption forming the basis of a long analysis is that shop has affiliations dmkand since that party is well known in here for anti Brahmini'sm and harassing Brahmin women as well  and that it couldn't have Cong affiliations since that party is known for its decency and moral standards in public life wouldn't stoop so low , but oops that was the image of that party in the past which by force of habit  i had forgotten and it could and must have changed now.'

Evening read news that youngsters in Cong were against ordinance.

27.9.13  noon was reading toi .How they had started the campaign against that ordinance overturning SC 'decision on criminals in politics and about how modi had  reffered to the deaths of jawans and the indifference of our pm to attend a banquet with pak pm in us.Today is malaya paksham ,a day one offers shradha to even strangers ,but whose death touches us .Those young soldiers in their 20's death for this country touched me .When i am fanned i reach for the remote dozen time as a day to read the barking news unlike in my earlier habit and desire to see only films or discovery etc.And so i did soon after lunch and lo behold the great news was  of the' protected species' raging in the press club over his own ordinance, was breaking! I made a connection with my reading that article in the  paper.
three things arise--

1. What i say or read at the height of my emotions fanned deliberately especially after a small prayer or puja acts as a trigger to some one very high up to come to a decision.This could be a incurable obsession [well hidden from public gaze]which is being exploited by a coterie to push for change and cleansing and re inventing the old old party .If so who is this coterie.
2. I could be deliberately set up  ie hound me on one hand and also make me aware of my indirect role in the policies of Cong party, in some of them and thus make me feel wanted and important and thus make me surrender not defect since no one is taking my membership of bjp seriously, at the lily white feet.

So why am i not doing so After all  i am born and bred amongst ghandhi topees at least in my formative years?

1. My self respect.I should be invited or at least asked to do so instead of being coerced.i suspect even bjp tried doing it but i joined it for different reasons mentioned in earlier blogs.The more i am hounded and treated as a sub human the more i am hardening.

2.Definitely if i fall on the feet i'll be kicked around even more furiously  for ideas by those who should be naturally possessed of  to lead  this country but seem to be lacking and by that very logic are unfit to rule. It is natural for any woman to  plump any day to be protected by a strong person with sound and good convictions than be burdened with the thankless and insipid job of protecting a highly protected persons

3. Since both Cong and bjp are hands and gloves in this indecent , illegal intrusion into my life it is meaningless to do so.Like i said the harassment and disrespect will not stop it will only be private and i wont even have the luxury to lighten my woes through this blog..

I suppose the gimmick of rubbishing the ordinance is a knee jerk reaction to the rally of clean Mr modi at Delhi [on 29 th]--the focal point of civil society movements that frightened the unclean political classes en mass 2  year back and also made them land at my flat. '

Liberals.

Liberals in India means and includes as per my personal experience ,all those chiefly ,politico's and journo's  who are all at 'liberty' to compromise the privacy of an individual without the slightest trace of compunction and nil guilty conscience for doing so and who also help themselves ' liberaly' to ideas with the code of honour of thieves viz sharing the booty with magnanimous impartiality and equality in total secrecy and silence [ie without ratting out on each other,tho' some jornos in a sudden attack of conscience do let it slip  sort of helping me piece the bizzare volte face in the behaviour of some of my longtime neighbours and total strangers as well,and the strange co incidence ,repititively of what ever i speak in my dining room or write in mydiary in my bedroom in my house or in a hotel or even in a stationery train becoming at times the trigger for policy decisions ,the topic of discussions in English news channels [barring Times now] and articles of star jounos in leading newspapers and blogs, a real time tsunami of deceit , deception , mediocrity and lack of originality!]amongst both left and right  without the slightest fear of infringement of copy rights or even much worse do not even feel the tiniest twinge of shame or remorse in prying information slyly using unethical methods that would put the notorious KGB to shame and serially preying upon a individuals mind , the identified victim, labelling her or him as fickle minded and insane and thus justifying the blatant exploitation and unabashedly invading the privacy of that individual ,mouthing all the while with a amazing gift of the gab or exceptional writing skills or both,insincere  and fake beliefs in the adherence's to ethics, morality , human  and fundamental rights.

On the whole a liberal in here is more shameful than  a hussy ,since the latter sells only the body whilst the former sells the soul --the sense of self worth for a few rich pickings.

Hmm all this while i was naively under the impression that a liberal is one who was honest [yes of course only to themselves]compassionate[ some are ,largely amongst themselves],broad minded [so broad that the boundaries between virtue and vices do not exist]and seeped with integrity [actually chamealon like flexibility]and would recoil in horror [ enjoying it hugely ] at the mere thought [ load of planning goes in] of stooping to snoop and scoop .Pooh the image i had formed about libs has blown off like  a puff of smoke.

The theorem :- liberals= ethically and morally challenged and corrupt with making money and acquiring and extending power as the one and only goal in life
In short end justifies the means of a Indian Liberal.Crooks in virginal white.

Thank god that i am a conservative if that is what a person devoid of the characteristic features  of a liberal listed above is supposed to be called.This realisation gives me a great relief .

It is assured that most liberals would have read  this as i write with avid interest and a patronising smile or a frown of having their  sensibilities  hurt by a brute of a person like me but proceed undeterred [life must go on ,no?] to satiate their enormous hunger by grazing greedily from a neighbouring unfenced lush pastures  and regruiting discussions and articles in tons!

My relationship with them has been marked by bitter verbal attacks aimed mainly at the laxity of their morals whilst their reactions generally has been one of amused tolerance in a very patronising manner [i as  a person donot exist] with the exception twice no thrice when cold blooded practicality and selfishness intrisnic to the nature of liberal extremism surfaced ,scorching and snuffing out lives that were considered expendable in the pursuit of' happiness' in other words extreme selfishness.

Walk on burning hot stones barefooted in mid day around a temple or hurt your elbow for just a few seconds to re- live the pain of those who have met a violent death  .Unbearable?                                                 Hope the kith and kin of those who have joined their ancestors today, find the strength to pull along.A strength that is hard to come by.

Rounding of rough edges.

I hated the huge flash light erected ostensibly to lighten the temple next door but served  only to spill its dazzling light on to my eyes making me shade it whenever i came out at nights to take a deep breath of air and to widen my view ,narrowed  by the walls of the flat ,to  broaden and refresh it by looking at the open space.

I pitied the arasa maram [tree] that is  in the full glare of this light.How can it sleep in such blinding lights ,that also invades my room in all its intensity? At least i can hang thick curtains on the windows and try and dim its glare.

Tonight for an instant i forgave the insensitivity of the boor who had mounted such a huge and powerful flash light, at that instant when the leaves the gulmohar tree in my compound whose branches have creeped up  to brush with the neighbouring arasa maram ,on which droplets of rain had collected at the tip of every skein , a rain that was pouring   like a spray and caught that light, whose glare had  been  softened by this spraying from the skies ,and reflected them as enchanting as sparkling diamonds ,embroidered into in dark green velvety smudge.

An fairy land was created in a sudden swish of a  magic  wand with  liquidsilver splashing of translucent  green fluttering  leaves of the arasa maram and tiny silver lanterns swaying precariously from the tips of dark green skein of the other,with the gentle slants of the fuzzy rain murmuring a soothing tune at the background A fairy land was created right at front of my porch by  primeval elements  harmonising and smoothening the excessive vitality and insatiable desires of humans .
  Like all good things this magical minutes were for few minutes and disappeared may be to be replicated elsewhere in time and place for another  audience as the clouds withdrew to itself its unasked for generosity.

written on 29.12.12