chronology of events that culminated in the attempts to convert a blogger on hinduism.
I guess it all started with my post on once a hindu always a hindu in Jan 2010 with comments commending it on one hand and on the other comments laced with sugar coated threats .
As l cast my mind back i suppose much of the rude treatments i received on my travels to temples by hindu's themselves [,maybe the ones who confused truth telling by me as being against secularism] could be a indirect show of displeasure at my writings, but was not all that physically painful so as to have stuck to my memory.
2011 --Felt a sudden painful tingling in my right molars in september and was advised by dentist to go for a root canal operation .A painful one and got a cap for the cleaned out teeth
Nov--Felt shooting pains in left knee cap and diagnised as arthritis by ortho .Couldn't bend my leftknee for a long time after ,had to drag my leg gingerly.
Since i associate a lot of my pains and its redressal there after by the resident of the immediate upper floor which is the property of a muslim woman and introduced himself as her husband, let me mention here that it was in 2010 that i or my family or our neighbours saw him for the first time, the very year that post that stirred a controversy amongst my viewers.
I am blogging all this frankly hoping that my son's friends would have moved on with their lives and would have lost interest in my blogs due my long absence on the net.
2012.Thunderous noise heard only by me and terrifying warnings by gruff male voises non stop for two months inside the house and by heckling by gas boys, college girls and boys on roof tops,and rude stares of flat mates who were all once courteous and distant.And crowds of muslim boys bursting on to the park which is not the place of their normal outing and rudness by all and sundry .
At end of which that is by end of june 2012 i was a bundle of nerves .There after i just couldn't concentrate on translating sanskrit ot Tamil slokas nor could i observe in peace my sorroundings in the places where i travelled. in short i couldn't observe india .Her beauty as well as her faults.And i kept writing only about myself --a lot of trash.
2013 --My leg healed remarkably.so well that i was literally flying like a young busy body. First time in my life that i had so much speed and ,flexibility .Not my nature to be so.And was feeling too too youthful .Again unnatural.But rudness ,disrespect by all continued and was made to confess viz write on and on about my feelings after giving me emotional shocks .The victims being my near ones ,Husband, weak minded brother and ailing relatives.I was made to write about current public affairs that are rabidly discussed on tv channels or news papers .That is how my take on india in august 2012 rolled out .in which i gave my opinion on political leaders and predicted a period of peace and prosperity under the present leader .It was written after my emotions were churned up after weakening my husbands heart by scaring him .
2014 --whole of june my mind was mercilessly attacked by stinging waves all through the night for a whole month when i wrote my anger against political leaders in my diary for not rescuing me and then decided not to write any more or for some time and so stuck to my decision and didn't write a word about the brain attacks and the way i coudn't eat as my stomach was also constricted and painful.Meanwhile the naerby temple abandoning beaming its favorite Amman songs started beaming advise from Kural.
Ever since that attack i couldnt get deep into my memory ,emotions and felt that my thoughts criss crossing my forehead were being skimmed and put to use ,either by media houses or politicians.And the advise that flowed from the nearby temple was extraordinarily like a insatant reply or observations to my thoughts and it was being broad cast loud and clear with only possible explanation -- either to warn me that i had lost the privacy of my thoughts and that i better house good ones like a saint or to further weaken me pshycologically.and make me a bundle of nerves .
July and August ---Was put the fear of near one's imminent death if i dare chant my daily japa om namo narayana or write Sri ramajeyam.This was put in very effectively by synchronising the time of my daily japa with news of expiry of my bil and brother at--11.30 am. within a span of 2 months .My brothers was on 27 aug,so was vidat,s , 27julyand so was my mothers --in 2012 27 nov.And a revulsion was created against my mangal sutra that it was being used to keep me under delusional control and was made to remove it.with nearby temple advising me to get rid of it .
September--What a month .Kept discharging fluid which i had stopped doing decades back. i become a massof nerves .gadgets used liberally at base of my spine vibrating it on and on .motor bikes kept dashing out from next block every 10 minutes as if to commomerate my leak.Lost a lot of weight.In my time of relaxation --noon naps was given the option of being a koel --that is sing from a muslim boys heart and set things right in communall india specially under the new dispensation or other wise face muslim fury.for being thus i should take bath in total dark,dress in total dark, never switch on light ,shouldn't wear my silk sarees,jewels, or dress after dark or go out after dark, shouldn't watch tv or read news and never visit temples and shouldnt expose an inch of my body.And that if i visit a temple since i am full of leaking liquids [it was equated to periods --my age then 57] the IB being under a conservative hindu will slit my throat.The teasings continued,
oct --stopped wearing glasses even for long distance as it was used to nasty me, focus my attention on unwanted things and to fudge my view as per will .It was also put into my head that glasses were being used to keep me in this unnatural, youthfully beaming state and if i read any book a muslim boy will read along with me.It was also giving me scratching sensation in my upper torso.
Nov-- Visited gyno for medical view.she said there was a small cyst in my utreus and a lot of thickening but benign and may turn malignant or may not .Dec--Decided to remove the uterus to escape this embarrasing black mail and and to divest my dirty oppressors of this tool once and for all.Post operation painful .gyno asked whether i had any major operation in stomachbefore this .said no. She wondered then how come my ovaries were stuck to the uterus wall . it made me wonder .was it the indiscriminate and calluos use of that vibrating gadget without a thought to my defences getting weakened by age on the base of my spine for past 4 years as i stood in balcony or in my rooms or whilst bathing or when i slept be the reason behind the reason of the ovaries getting stuck to the wall?
Feb and march went for cataract operation for both the eyes as the only way to escape harrassment .Very good vision there after .no need for long distance glasses but have to for reading .
After removing ms when i ever i visited temple or wore my gold chain with image of goddeslakshmi embossed on it felt terrific pain in my left neck like slitting and strangulating when i neared my locality whilst passing by a muslim petty shop several times in my house .Once shockingly when i changed dress in my bathroom and heard and saw on coming out the lad from upper flat whizzing off in scooter . shocked coz i thought he did it ,a middle class neigh or maybe he was used .
Meanwhile i was getting information warnings still do through animals, and birds sounds and vendors.Actually this wasgoing on since 2010,only i did not take notice and am doing so now.Some agency is doing its job dilligently whether one takes cognisance of it or not.I was also writing diary which would be more like an log of animal sounds and didn't even write the writhing pains i was subjected to after removal of my uterus for fear of inviting my oppressors wrath .i was simply scared for my family.
May--after my eyes healed wore my mangal sutra .An hindu neigh who as sort of helping me [every thing is indirect ]seemed relieved .And harrassment actually abated after that .
July suddenly felt the urge to visit net which i had totally left.Amazed at my views .more than 2 lakhs.hence wrote a letter to viewers Then didn't visit net except to take down my translations of pasuraums as i wanted to publish a book
August printed the booklet .it was seen to that it would be full of typing errors though i corrected it nearly 6 times and a lot of blocking off my mind when i sat to translate some new pasurums. some how i did it and sent it to thiruvallur temple the place from where all this started...
Also found that carrying srinivasars pictures brought an heaviness to my knees and caught myself avoiding houses inahabitated by muslims when in my walks .somebody was controling my movments and i was made to avoid going near such houses with pictures of srinivasar for fera hurting their sentiments and i was also punished with throbbing knee and a heavy body .It was a challenge as it was specific to me alone.100's of people pass by with images of various hindu gods on their person, vehicles etc on that very road I decided to carry as many pictures as possible and deliberately go near muslims passing me by or pass closely to their shops and houses .I also caught myself smiling involuntarily at muslims .May be i was trained thus for 4 long years through my specs coz yesterday after blogging i caught myself smiling at the overhead light whilst trying to nap.so i deliberately smiled no grinned at every passing muslim ,the ones specially sent to cross or walk along side .Then pain left and scratching sensation in upper chest replaced whenver i crossed amuslim with such bags.Found out that nastying me that is titiliate my private parts with gadgets was l;inked to muslims from dirty lungis to software pro's .
Then i started to maintain a log of the vibrations felt at my lower spine , discahrge of water or leaking of sweat in lower part and movt of muslims in my flat and the nature of my work in my public diary as i wanted to nasty these fellows back who were acting under the age old impression that a woman who is sexually harrassesd will keep mum if not for herself but for her family .Several alliances went off and i often get calls from ostensible alliances enquirng whether i have only one son pointedly or callers asking whether i have taken an insurance.
Visited tirumala taking the purse with pictures .felt very heavy once out of the temple.Now it was indirectly shown that only srinivasar alone will ward off my other harrassers, --amman bhakths and they should not be discounted as thaayar or lakshmi was similar to shakthi,and all this shown within temple itself at Trichanoor
September --I don't know what came over me.i suddenly decided on my husbands birthday to start using my house as his and mine alone asi used to before 2012May be i had enough of all this shadowy control and it was also coupled with my feeling very sorry for the 3 yera child below who was made to cry with gadgets too often to warn me to keep quiet [squeezing a certain part of brain makes them cry , i know from experience ] . whenever i start shouting about the gross injustice of this all that for the sake of a community ,a politicians vote bank maybe i have to suffer when i have nothing to do with politics and why can't the authorities remove all these cameras ,listening devices and free me and even if they don't and haven't i am only letting off in the privacy of my house and not speaking or shouting from a public platform and and have let go off my blogging .Or may be going through my earlier diaries 2000 onwards so as to edit them shook me out of this delusional trap and the artificial life i was leading and made to lead
so i dressed in my bedroom at front of the mirror for the first time in 4 yeras and decided to take my usual walk without pictures of gods as i used to before.I was also angry that i was given this concesion that if i carry pictures of gods only then muslims will not trouble me .i was angry coz why should i shoulder the burden of of establishing my hindu identity in my country the only country in world known as hindu country where this ancient religion is practised and no where else and that to after taking birth in a long lineage of hindu scholars!Why should i do so for no fault of mine except crossing swords online and in my diary which may have led to that public hounding and non stop brain washing since then?
Took the usual route in southern direction early in morn and stood at my favourite spot nera flowers sellers on side f the road .had a glimpse of srinivasar and closed my eyes for few seconds ,then took a step forward ,blacked out and lay as if prostrating to srinivasar on the road .a man helped me to get up .no traffic could walk .but the temple door was shut .as i cleaned my wound on my right knee cap remembered a dirty lungi cross me when i opened my eyes and next second was flat on the road .two days back i was letting off against minorities cosseting and how they and political backers were taught a lesson by the sweep in general elections and a vendor selling 10 rs balm made his round which i decided to ignore and didn't note it in my diary.
So i may have been punished for all three .
After wounds healed again went for a walk in same route same time same mode of dressing but slowly .the gates were closed and i didn't fall .Again experimented a walk without gods pictures and after kicking my inhibition and fera in using my house as my own .it felt like flying .giddy and unstable .took a temple bag next time and my pace slowed .really some one has experimented too much with me .
ok the germ was planted in 2011 itself .That of conversion or to make me liberal and flexible.But i still had emotions, independant thinking and none of these discharges and scratches whenever a muslim passed by nor any giddiness whilst walking .I had my confidence
It was only after that month long attacks on my brain that i lost my bearings and clarity of thought and was devoid of this constant chatter within me.So the platform for conversion was laid very systematicaly in June itself . To put fear into me and divest me of my internal and external beliefs in my religion and to make me feel guilty of involuntary discharge when i pray or husband prays or enter the percinits of a temple and then crow about it by ringing the puja bell[neigh] [keep wondering how these people get to know about discharge of liquid down below --gyno said most women get it till 80 and evenafter ,in my case my skin has lost the capacity to absorb ,hence i can feel it like one does of sweat.Is it face reading or do gadgets guarentee such results in a time span?]or tease from the temple broad cast or keep make pointed reference to over supply of water .That whilst the minority community is shaming me and my worship of god and is exhibiting its aversion to hindu gods some from majority community is greeting it with tinkling of puja bell or feeding the crows in a muslim neigh compound wall.
I also catch myself wiping sweat off my brow and eyes and adjusting my sari unnesarily whenever a muslim nears me on the road and bending westwards! .Just why should i be made to pay so much respect for these total strangers religious beliefs in such a crazy/perverted manner?since jamming my head even my fury is not rising and am unaable to think of ways to get out of this unbelievably perverted situation.
Aern't these people who did this to me scared even a bit? That i can write all this and now have summoned the courage to blog it which can be read by all in this hindu country? what gall to attempt it on a person who was writing about hinduism ?The posts which moderate middle class hindu's find good and informative and even amusing and nothing too controversial in them?Is this state specific?Don't these people have a national perspective?That this could boomerang?
I was too scared to write all this and to blog it .was i chased out of net and something done to me at behest of muslim outfits with authorities looking the other way?.Why are the liberals who, devoted several edition of their newpaper on perumal murugan hounding by hindu outfits, kept quiet at my hounding.Does freedom of expression exist only to those who write about defects or abnormalities whether real or imagined in hindu society ,caste etc and not to one who takes pride in her religion --hinduism without hurting or abusing other religions?Even i wrote about my candid observations of hindu society ,rituals so why aern't the gaurdians of freedom of expression supporting me ? it means freedom of expression as per these guardians of civil rights is not for those who take pride in hinduism or for those who find nothing basically wrong with this religion.. Do they enjoy my hounding ?What about hindu outfits?how are they allowing this weird conversion of co religionists they seek to protect without a squeak of protest?
It was when i said go to hell all of you i am going treat my house as my own did i lose my embarrassment and fear.
Since i left 'purdah' when i found it was for low class mus my information machinery was scaled down a cycle cart instead of van comes trundling asking for old comp or announces sale of mangos in this off season from a distance
My blood boils at the way i was shabbily treated all these years forced to pay respect to low class mus sentiments and to a certain extent to, low class vibuthees and for pushing my present to a distant past .and i am still wired to do so.Who is the puppeteer?why is there so much silence from all around me.Is it to everyone's benifit that i be kept in this constantly unnatural life --of constant monitoring shadowily to either be sacchirenly sweet [rather salivate in their presence] politicians vote banks and pour out my fury for forcing me to do so,so as to squeeze out as much of my fabled imagination?
what a good job i was doing on net .i blogged about granite scam fearlessly way back when it was known locally in madurai and now t is big news .on way back a man i guess an intel tried to distract my attention in train on return trip but failed to and that must have led to this bigger operation in 2012.
I felt for the poor, poverty,revolted by filth,and blogging on temples and travel and culture and my observations on hindu society,its flaws and .merits ,all good stuff .i also donated a lot of money to poor , temples educated poor without boating about it in my blogs if i wasn,t distracted in 2012 i would have continued my quiet public and social work purely for my atma tripthi--satisfaction and life would have been meaningful.
but now i am going on writuing about things i scarcely derive any satisfaction of a job well done ,nor am i allowed to observe things as they are and am constantly trapped into communal --secular writings like those never ending debates on tv chanels , for which i have no interest .so no satisfaction.
ps .have started tweeting about tinglings,scratching sensation mainly due to use of gadgets.it was shown to me long back in a drama when a girl of 5 stood at front of me with her back ti me and kept scratching the parting in her bottom for full half hour , when i had apealed to show me as to what was being done to me .A man appearing to be from lower stratta ,middle aged with a mobile smiled at me as if to explain what was being done to me .he was seated behind our row on the left..
As l cast my mind back i suppose much of the rude treatments i received on my travels to temples by hindu's themselves [,maybe the ones who confused truth telling by me as being against secularism] could be a indirect show of displeasure at my writings, but was not all that physically painful so as to have stuck to my memory.
2011 --Felt a sudden painful tingling in my right molars in september and was advised by dentist to go for a root canal operation .A painful one and got a cap for the cleaned out teeth
Nov--Felt shooting pains in left knee cap and diagnised as arthritis by ortho .Couldn't bend my leftknee for a long time after ,had to drag my leg gingerly.
Since i associate a lot of my pains and its redressal there after by the resident of the immediate upper floor which is the property of a muslim woman and introduced himself as her husband, let me mention here that it was in 2010 that i or my family or our neighbours saw him for the first time, the very year that post that stirred a controversy amongst my viewers.
I am blogging all this frankly hoping that my son's friends would have moved on with their lives and would have lost interest in my blogs due my long absence on the net.
2012.Thunderous noise heard only by me and terrifying warnings by gruff male voises non stop for two months inside the house and by heckling by gas boys, college girls and boys on roof tops,and rude stares of flat mates who were all once courteous and distant.And crowds of muslim boys bursting on to the park which is not the place of their normal outing and rudness by all and sundry .
At end of which that is by end of june 2012 i was a bundle of nerves .There after i just couldn't concentrate on translating sanskrit ot Tamil slokas nor could i observe in peace my sorroundings in the places where i travelled. in short i couldn't observe india .Her beauty as well as her faults.And i kept writing only about myself --a lot of trash.
2013 --My leg healed remarkably.so well that i was literally flying like a young busy body. First time in my life that i had so much speed and ,flexibility .Not my nature to be so.And was feeling too too youthful .Again unnatural.But rudness ,disrespect by all continued and was made to confess viz write on and on about my feelings after giving me emotional shocks .The victims being my near ones ,Husband, weak minded brother and ailing relatives.I was made to write about current public affairs that are rabidly discussed on tv channels or news papers .That is how my take on india in august 2012 rolled out .in which i gave my opinion on political leaders and predicted a period of peace and prosperity under the present leader .It was written after my emotions were churned up after weakening my husbands heart by scaring him .
2014 --whole of june my mind was mercilessly attacked by stinging waves all through the night for a whole month when i wrote my anger against political leaders in my diary for not rescuing me and then decided not to write any more or for some time and so stuck to my decision and didn't write a word about the brain attacks and the way i coudn't eat as my stomach was also constricted and painful.Meanwhile the naerby temple abandoning beaming its favorite Amman songs started beaming advise from Kural.
Ever since that attack i couldnt get deep into my memory ,emotions and felt that my thoughts criss crossing my forehead were being skimmed and put to use ,either by media houses or politicians.And the advise that flowed from the nearby temple was extraordinarily like a insatant reply or observations to my thoughts and it was being broad cast loud and clear with only possible explanation -- either to warn me that i had lost the privacy of my thoughts and that i better house good ones like a saint or to further weaken me pshycologically.and make me a bundle of nerves .
July and August ---Was put the fear of near one's imminent death if i dare chant my daily japa om namo narayana or write Sri ramajeyam.This was put in very effectively by synchronising the time of my daily japa with news of expiry of my bil and brother at--11.30 am. within a span of 2 months .My brothers was on 27 aug,so was vidat,s , 27julyand so was my mothers --in 2012 27 nov.And a revulsion was created against my mangal sutra that it was being used to keep me under delusional control and was made to remove it.with nearby temple advising me to get rid of it .
September--What a month .Kept discharging fluid which i had stopped doing decades back. i become a massof nerves .gadgets used liberally at base of my spine vibrating it on and on .motor bikes kept dashing out from next block every 10 minutes as if to commomerate my leak.Lost a lot of weight.In my time of relaxation --noon naps was given the option of being a koel --that is sing from a muslim boys heart and set things right in communall india specially under the new dispensation or other wise face muslim fury.for being thus i should take bath in total dark,dress in total dark, never switch on light ,shouldn't wear my silk sarees,jewels, or dress after dark or go out after dark, shouldn't watch tv or read news and never visit temples and shouldnt expose an inch of my body.And that if i visit a temple since i am full of leaking liquids [it was equated to periods --my age then 57] the IB being under a conservative hindu will slit my throat.The teasings continued,
oct --stopped wearing glasses even for long distance as it was used to nasty me, focus my attention on unwanted things and to fudge my view as per will .It was also put into my head that glasses were being used to keep me in this unnatural, youthfully beaming state and if i read any book a muslim boy will read along with me.It was also giving me scratching sensation in my upper torso.
Nov-- Visited gyno for medical view.she said there was a small cyst in my utreus and a lot of thickening but benign and may turn malignant or may not .Dec--Decided to remove the uterus to escape this embarrasing black mail and and to divest my dirty oppressors of this tool once and for all.Post operation painful .gyno asked whether i had any major operation in stomachbefore this .said no. She wondered then how come my ovaries were stuck to the uterus wall . it made me wonder .was it the indiscriminate and calluos use of that vibrating gadget without a thought to my defences getting weakened by age on the base of my spine for past 4 years as i stood in balcony or in my rooms or whilst bathing or when i slept be the reason behind the reason of the ovaries getting stuck to the wall?
Feb and march went for cataract operation for both the eyes as the only way to escape harrassment .Very good vision there after .no need for long distance glasses but have to for reading .
After removing ms when i ever i visited temple or wore my gold chain with image of goddeslakshmi embossed on it felt terrific pain in my left neck like slitting and strangulating when i neared my locality whilst passing by a muslim petty shop several times in my house .Once shockingly when i changed dress in my bathroom and heard and saw on coming out the lad from upper flat whizzing off in scooter . shocked coz i thought he did it ,a middle class neigh or maybe he was used .
Meanwhile i was getting information warnings still do through animals, and birds sounds and vendors.Actually this wasgoing on since 2010,only i did not take notice and am doing so now.Some agency is doing its job dilligently whether one takes cognisance of it or not.I was also writing diary which would be more like an log of animal sounds and didn't even write the writhing pains i was subjected to after removal of my uterus for fear of inviting my oppressors wrath .i was simply scared for my family.
May--after my eyes healed wore my mangal sutra .An hindu neigh who as sort of helping me [every thing is indirect ]seemed relieved .And harrassment actually abated after that .
July suddenly felt the urge to visit net which i had totally left.Amazed at my views .more than 2 lakhs.hence wrote a letter to viewers Then didn't visit net except to take down my translations of pasuraums as i wanted to publish a book
August printed the booklet .it was seen to that it would be full of typing errors though i corrected it nearly 6 times and a lot of blocking off my mind when i sat to translate some new pasurums. some how i did it and sent it to thiruvallur temple the place from where all this started...
Also found that carrying srinivasars pictures brought an heaviness to my knees and caught myself avoiding houses inahabitated by muslims when in my walks .somebody was controling my movments and i was made to avoid going near such houses with pictures of srinivasar for fera hurting their sentiments and i was also punished with throbbing knee and a heavy body .It was a challenge as it was specific to me alone.100's of people pass by with images of various hindu gods on their person, vehicles etc on that very road I decided to carry as many pictures as possible and deliberately go near muslims passing me by or pass closely to their shops and houses .I also caught myself smiling involuntarily at muslims .May be i was trained thus for 4 long years through my specs coz yesterday after blogging i caught myself smiling at the overhead light whilst trying to nap.so i deliberately smiled no grinned at every passing muslim ,the ones specially sent to cross or walk along side .Then pain left and scratching sensation in upper chest replaced whenver i crossed amuslim with such bags.Found out that nastying me that is titiliate my private parts with gadgets was l;inked to muslims from dirty lungis to software pro's .
Then i started to maintain a log of the vibrations felt at my lower spine , discahrge of water or leaking of sweat in lower part and movt of muslims in my flat and the nature of my work in my public diary as i wanted to nasty these fellows back who were acting under the age old impression that a woman who is sexually harrassesd will keep mum if not for herself but for her family .Several alliances went off and i often get calls from ostensible alliances enquirng whether i have only one son pointedly or callers asking whether i have taken an insurance.
Visited tirumala taking the purse with pictures .felt very heavy once out of the temple.Now it was indirectly shown that only srinivasar alone will ward off my other harrassers, --amman bhakths and they should not be discounted as thaayar or lakshmi was similar to shakthi,and all this shown within temple itself at Trichanoor
September --I don't know what came over me.i suddenly decided on my husbands birthday to start using my house as his and mine alone asi used to before 2012May be i had enough of all this shadowy control and it was also coupled with my feeling very sorry for the 3 yera child below who was made to cry with gadgets too often to warn me to keep quiet [squeezing a certain part of brain makes them cry , i know from experience ] . whenever i start shouting about the gross injustice of this all that for the sake of a community ,a politicians vote bank maybe i have to suffer when i have nothing to do with politics and why can't the authorities remove all these cameras ,listening devices and free me and even if they don't and haven't i am only letting off in the privacy of my house and not speaking or shouting from a public platform and and have let go off my blogging .Or may be going through my earlier diaries 2000 onwards so as to edit them shook me out of this delusional trap and the artificial life i was leading and made to lead
so i dressed in my bedroom at front of the mirror for the first time in 4 yeras and decided to take my usual walk without pictures of gods as i used to before.I was also angry that i was given this concesion that if i carry pictures of gods only then muslims will not trouble me .i was angry coz why should i shoulder the burden of of establishing my hindu identity in my country the only country in world known as hindu country where this ancient religion is practised and no where else and that to after taking birth in a long lineage of hindu scholars!Why should i do so for no fault of mine except crossing swords online and in my diary which may have led to that public hounding and non stop brain washing since then?
Took the usual route in southern direction early in morn and stood at my favourite spot nera flowers sellers on side f the road .had a glimpse of srinivasar and closed my eyes for few seconds ,then took a step forward ,blacked out and lay as if prostrating to srinivasar on the road .a man helped me to get up .no traffic could walk .but the temple door was shut .as i cleaned my wound on my right knee cap remembered a dirty lungi cross me when i opened my eyes and next second was flat on the road .two days back i was letting off against minorities cosseting and how they and political backers were taught a lesson by the sweep in general elections and a vendor selling 10 rs balm made his round which i decided to ignore and didn't note it in my diary.
So i may have been punished for all three .
After wounds healed again went for a walk in same route same time same mode of dressing but slowly .the gates were closed and i didn't fall .Again experimented a walk without gods pictures and after kicking my inhibition and fera in using my house as my own .it felt like flying .giddy and unstable .took a temple bag next time and my pace slowed .really some one has experimented too much with me .
ok the germ was planted in 2011 itself .That of conversion or to make me liberal and flexible.But i still had emotions, independant thinking and none of these discharges and scratches whenever a muslim passed by nor any giddiness whilst walking .I had my confidence
It was only after that month long attacks on my brain that i lost my bearings and clarity of thought and was devoid of this constant chatter within me.So the platform for conversion was laid very systematicaly in June itself . To put fear into me and divest me of my internal and external beliefs in my religion and to make me feel guilty of involuntary discharge when i pray or husband prays or enter the percinits of a temple and then crow about it by ringing the puja bell[neigh] [keep wondering how these people get to know about discharge of liquid down below --gyno said most women get it till 80 and evenafter ,in my case my skin has lost the capacity to absorb ,hence i can feel it like one does of sweat.Is it face reading or do gadgets guarentee such results in a time span?]or tease from the temple broad cast or keep make pointed reference to over supply of water .That whilst the minority community is shaming me and my worship of god and is exhibiting its aversion to hindu gods some from majority community is greeting it with tinkling of puja bell or feeding the crows in a muslim neigh compound wall.
I also catch myself wiping sweat off my brow and eyes and adjusting my sari unnesarily whenever a muslim nears me on the road and bending westwards! .Just why should i be made to pay so much respect for these total strangers religious beliefs in such a crazy/perverted manner?since jamming my head even my fury is not rising and am unaable to think of ways to get out of this unbelievably perverted situation.
Aern't these people who did this to me scared even a bit? That i can write all this and now have summoned the courage to blog it which can be read by all in this hindu country? what gall to attempt it on a person who was writing about hinduism ?The posts which moderate middle class hindu's find good and informative and even amusing and nothing too controversial in them?Is this state specific?Don't these people have a national perspective?That this could boomerang?
I was too scared to write all this and to blog it .was i chased out of net and something done to me at behest of muslim outfits with authorities looking the other way?.Why are the liberals who, devoted several edition of their newpaper on perumal murugan hounding by hindu outfits, kept quiet at my hounding.Does freedom of expression exist only to those who write about defects or abnormalities whether real or imagined in hindu society ,caste etc and not to one who takes pride in her religion --hinduism without hurting or abusing other religions?Even i wrote about my candid observations of hindu society ,rituals so why aern't the gaurdians of freedom of expression supporting me ? it means freedom of expression as per these guardians of civil rights is not for those who take pride in hinduism or for those who find nothing basically wrong with this religion.. Do they enjoy my hounding ?What about hindu outfits?how are they allowing this weird conversion of co religionists they seek to protect without a squeak of protest?
It was when i said go to hell all of you i am going treat my house as my own did i lose my embarrassment and fear.
Since i left 'purdah' when i found it was for low class mus my information machinery was scaled down a cycle cart instead of van comes trundling asking for old comp or announces sale of mangos in this off season from a distance
My blood boils at the way i was shabbily treated all these years forced to pay respect to low class mus sentiments and to a certain extent to, low class vibuthees and for pushing my present to a distant past .and i am still wired to do so.Who is the puppeteer?why is there so much silence from all around me.Is it to everyone's benifit that i be kept in this constantly unnatural life --of constant monitoring shadowily to either be sacchirenly sweet [rather salivate in their presence] politicians vote banks and pour out my fury for forcing me to do so,so as to squeeze out as much of my fabled imagination?
what a good job i was doing on net .i blogged about granite scam fearlessly way back when it was known locally in madurai and now t is big news .on way back a man i guess an intel tried to distract my attention in train on return trip but failed to and that must have led to this bigger operation in 2012.
I felt for the poor, poverty,revolted by filth,and blogging on temples and travel and culture and my observations on hindu society,its flaws and .merits ,all good stuff .i also donated a lot of money to poor , temples educated poor without boating about it in my blogs if i wasn,t distracted in 2012 i would have continued my quiet public and social work purely for my atma tripthi--satisfaction and life would have been meaningful.
but now i am going on writuing about things i scarcely derive any satisfaction of a job well done ,nor am i allowed to observe things as they are and am constantly trapped into communal --secular writings like those never ending debates on tv chanels , for which i have no interest .so no satisfaction.
ps .have started tweeting about tinglings,scratching sensation mainly due to use of gadgets.it was shown to me long back in a drama when a girl of 5 stood at front of me with her back ti me and kept scratching the parting in her bottom for full half hour , when i had apealed to show me as to what was being done to me .A man appearing to be from lower stratta ,middle aged with a mobile smiled at me as if to explain what was being done to me .he was seated behind our row on the left..
posted by K.C. Sujata at
7:29 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home