Excerpts from diary--13.5.14. 7 am

The sun has started to scorch and it has heated me and the environs around so much that i find it sitting on the floor more endurable and healing than sitting on a chair.
The sun is peeping through the sacred leaves of the fig tree and as i watch those tiny leaves with a individulaity of its own flapping in the early morning breeze which is still cool from the left overs of last nights  condensation the nagalinga tree in the park comes to my mind.

I have been walking in that park for the whole of last week to wear  ,tire and divert  me so that i will not be tempted to write even a single word which may trigger a cascade which might provoke the desperate psuedo secularists to undertake gory missions or any other perveted projects to stop the march of psuedo communalists in the final week of the on going general elections.

I observed on 9 th ,that the nagalinga tree's green leaves were slowly turning saffron and the ground beneath was carpeted thickly with ripe saffron leaves ,shed by the tree, whilst pink flowers in profusion had blossemed in full size and were spreading its sweet scent .

I decided to wait till the entire tree turned saffron to write my diary but broke my resolve yesterday after the final elections came to an pecaeful end and here i am at my compulsive writing.

After i wrote and blogged that provocative and controversial piece on how my skin crawls etc i wrote a lot of diary till 6 th which kept me too occupied to go and visit the net. And then i felt a tremendous presure to blog those diary pieces specially the may 6th one  which clearly holds bjp taitorous to its own foot soldiers working for its electoral gain in UP  ,by joining  with cong to secure sg's release by showing their own party men and loyalists as illiberal louts . Or i was supposed  to  write something creative .

The other pieces from may 1 st were also damaging to other political parties  secular credentials and i realised that i was virtually sitting on a time bomb that could  probably damage bjp/modi most.

The usual guilt trap of the killings of illegal migrants in assam was was foisted over me  and i had to fight it.that is publish may 6 th diary to avert further violence , an super imposed image of a humanitarian , the conscience of the nation.If i wanted a strong govt in centre[ . got tired of weak, disspirited and fractious govts] and even if bjp was in the list of my tormentors i decided to hold out ,if possible till may 22 nd and allow the' illiberals 'of bjp to help the' liberal 'bjp to win decisively.

from past experience i know that my 'controversial'[imaginative] writings never provoke or encourage the illliberal rights  to do gory acts but only play out harmless dramas whilst they tend to give ideas or provide the cover for libs, secular politicians  well crafted and pre planned missions to go about thier dirty businesses.
So i decided not to write even a single word till the elections got over.I also reasoned that the real players out there have staked a lot of money ,energy, ambitions etc in this huge process , a political one and i had no business to cause confusion by just sitting and writing in my house.

If there was violence it was for the real players to bear the brunt or carry the cross .

Amazingly this election hasn't witnessed any.I remember that in every general elections there could be clumps of killings up north running in double digits in and around the election booths itself and that would make me wonder as to how contradictory it was to concept of democracy.

In that week i also smelt another trap being laid over me .That of being a champion of human rights  in global level to bring  powerful men across the globe, to heel ,Probably after the andaman trinagle incident my stock has also risen world wide.

Again i found it churlish and indigestible to interfere in diplomacy of countries that their elected leaders are scripting for their people..

This is a power which i can very well do without An power that would would only make me a pawn in the hands of  libs and politicians [.Like that poor kid malala ]..Who would continue to use me to score over their rivals  in here by projecting me as a international figure,with power and influence across the globe and to 'secularise' the illliberals.Another well scripted role.

I am just guessing ,may be obama sent men to nigeria after i wrote that may 6 th piece  but decided against going against his diplomacy when i refused to publish that piece.

It is quite odd.When my entire house is under control ,what prevents those in control to publish whatever piece that would suit their interests?I wouldn't even know of it .Even if i did would they care ?How come suddenly propriety comes only in this matter? or is it to make me realise my sins and repent for them?Just what is my sin?To be myself? An ordinary hindu developing an extra ordinary interest in Hinduism?An ordinary indian  trying to fight for my right to privacy and freedom of expression?
just when did these two become a sin in india?

There are millions like me ,only they donot have a vehicle like my blog or vocabulary or the drive[my son's untimely death] to express their interest in their faith which could be any religion--like i do .And i happen to be hindu .That is all.

Since i didnt publish i was being pressurised to make a symbolic gesture .Visit ghandhi statue in marina beach [robot and a group of womn mouthed it] and then pay a cheque for renewal of a  sri vaishnavaite religious journal by 1 pm yesterday --the last day of elections in UP ,bihar etc [again robot was suitably needled to vociferously persuade me to sign at least the cheque] .
iF i did both i will appear as a non violent conservative having influence over violent conservatives. I clearly do not want this role .I didn't go the beach.I didnt want to sign the cheque before elections got over either .

.How ever under boisterous persuasion of venk i nearly did .As this is only an illusion how could it provoke pseudosecularists to act who may not like my partiality and wreak mayhem? What if they did? Even in illusion and what if illusion merged with reality? Would i stomach the guilt ? never.hence i decided to pay for the mag next week around and didn't sign that cheque.

Again by writing the above para i am risking the trap of being labelled as a human rights activist . I am not a human right activist.i did this, that is excersised control over myself in the battle of wills, so as not to interfere in the democratic political process.
So international and national human rights activists viewers with hidden agendas  get off my back .

The presures --
1. my head felt extraordinarily jumbled up and i had to clear it by hearing to repeated  chanting of Hare rama Hare krishna .
2.Then my left tooth started to ache then it morphed into a cold with fever, body pain cough and running nose.
3, then as the fever left my left arm felt like  a log of wood and had such a terrific pain that i couldnt lift it for 3 -4 days
It left only yesterday morning.
I suppose those who know pshycho  and presure tactics may be able to decipher the above symptoms.I am guessing that these manifested becuase i refused to obey the sub conscious commands given to me under hypnosis