Excerpts from my diary....June 29 th2012Friday.
Yesterday in the morning cleaned the dirty showcase and evening took an auto to the temple
.Charlie's hand is every where,the auto uncharecteristically went mighty slow.Had a nice darshan of Thayar and Balaji and a nice walk in the park after oh so such a long long gap,and sat on a empty bench to drink in the soothing greenery when two fat young couples came directly towards me , the man making a belligerent eye contact and sat on the corner of the bench and immediately started arguing loudly. I ignored this noisy intrusion and concentrated on a yellow butterfly flitting by daintly withiout a care in the world ,its food its only care ,nectar that was also available in plenty and close at hand or wings span in the yellow flowers that have bloomed in profusion ,scattering its scent to be breathed in and filling oneself with this spiritual fragrance to those who are discerning enough.Yet i couldn't help over hearing and tried hard to conceal my smile at this farce act put up for my benifit to distract and divest me of my space.
Dark clouds massed and i decided it was time to leave .The actors followed suit . Before i could flag an auto the sky opened up and poured tonnes of water like as if to douse the the heat of the earth and air that were like burning embers ,in the past two month long period of the cruel waves of unabated heat .
I got thoroughly wet but didn't mind. It was more like a unasked for treat and i relished it.There were several women taking shelter under the parks gate along with me.One dusky , most probably an christian [ spy maybe] with a small child and few Hindu women as well [ also spy maybe ,every one appears as a spy to me these days.Bloody Charlie's doing]Whilst the Hindu women laughed at my joke that when i finally decided to venture out the sky poured rain in amazement [nan vandhadu nale mazhaiye peinjudhu] the dark women remained silent and looked at me in a curious way.Half glaring with suppresed fury and half in mute appeal that seemed to mirror her inner fear.
It twisted my heart. Am i being viewed as a extreme right wing fanatic or as a person having the power or some say over right wing extremism?And that is scaring her and all other minorities?Me , of all persons an extremist?How can it be?Why am i being viewed as such?
[ Charlies please note .no amount of authority or strong arm tactics or even the strict imposition of Reid technique can soften me and make me introspect the way an appeal from a terror stricken heart can]
Came home as usual by an auto arranged by Charlie with usual obstacles . I have got pretty much used to all this by now.
My dress changing process has become very long and ardous as i decided in order to gain back my sense of self i'll never expose some parts to Charlie.Well certain things have changed for ever in my life and this is one such.It is going to take few more years, maybe to put up with this humiliation which in course of time by then, may become habitual.
Today morning my warden wanted me to wake up by 6.He willed it .Bloody hypnotist.But i didn't . Lay rolling on the bed . I didn't attend ......another spies pre marriage ritual , for one Vidat's death still haunts me and second i feel that he and his family had dirtied on me.
Watched Kinder gardencop and it struck me that Srinanden cop/doc may not be the hub of the woman above, just acting ,and she is a not a woman but actually a man, , maybe he is even a Hindu. The spy world is full of deceit.
Then went through the stats of my blog and found that 'Ahmedabad' was having a sudden jump in views.Curious i clicked to read it to find the reason . The date was 27 th February. Some thing made me check the Google for the dates of Gujarat riots of 2002. The date was 27 th feb and was in peak till 7 th march.Horrific killings all around .And co incidently or strangely, though i completed my visit to Dwarka by 25 th feb my posts were from 27 th to 7 th march.No wonder Muslims are mad at me.
The details of the riots given in the Wikki sickened me .
The significance of the date of my posts and its content hit me.and i felt sick.The dates tally with the dates of the burning of the train and subsequent riots. It begins and ends exactly with the riots that took place a decade ago.The contents purely from a Hindu view point.
The posts after posts on Hinduism and then cap it with a temple visit to Gujarat exactly on the very date of those terrible riots!And Modi being publicly feted by all his supporters stridently there after! Is it my doing?Is this the cause of Muslim fear and fury?
Riots are terrible. I can never kill or be the cause of anyone's death. I have unwittingly projected myself as an extremist.
No sane person in the know of things would have committed this ultimate folly.
The fact is that i am not insane ,only too deeply soaked in the grief of the loss of my son that got further aggravated when my second son left home to pursue higher studies, and i was simply lost in a world of my own to be fully aware of all that was happening around me.More over i never had any feed back regarding my posts from viewers.Nor was i made fully aware of its importance, if any in our polity and society.I have no friends , either journo's or politico's to enlighten me nor does any member of my family read my blogs to gauge their importance and the possible effect on others..I simply have deduce everything on my own without any facts .
To me the visit to Dwaraka then was another temple visit that need to be fulfilled in the long list of divyadesams i hope to complete before Vidat's 5 th anniversary.
Till today i was unaware of this connection. It is to the credit of Charlie 's third degree methods and hypnosis that made me look up the article on Gujarat riots and compare it with my posts and join the dots.
My second son in one of our conversations said that minorities are definetly an insecure lot.My posts would have added fuel to fire.To those of you, Muslims, Christians and others who are hurt by my insensitivity and this unintended lapse on my part ,I am truly sorry.
Which star of mine made me do this?
Evening i went up to the terrace,without putting double lock. Let the spy read the confession he is hankering after.
The sky was somewhat primitive, dark and mysterious.Was this primitiveness that pulled me to Gujarat on those sensitive days?The angst of my anscestors who would have suffered persecution in the hands of turks coupled with the angst of vidat's unrequited love, of being rejected in his overtures to a muslim girl, the disappointment of which he may have taken to his funeral pyre, that made me conclude the post on Somnath the rebuilding of which is more of a pshycological assertion of domination of Hindu's who were under dogs over Muslims who were over lords till Independance, than less of a religious one?Was this the sub conscious answer my interrogator was seeking all along?Only stars can tell .
i rang up vin from the terrace.,Let charlie read my diary in peace.Poor vin has a cold and once again refused to believe me when i said 'your mother is caught in a spies web'.He felt better after teasing me saying maybe the heavy down pour yesterday over me and chennai was also the handiwork of my spies, cloud seeding and all.How sweet , how innocent. How young. Will he ever learn the truth?
The truth of being interrogated in this bizzare manner by top intelligence agencies without giving a reason for doing so ,of being in police custody for two months though as per law the maximum is only 15 days, for being stared at by cameras, of being humiliated and shamed ,of being terrorised and mesmerised, of being ridiculed and made to cross swords constantly?
I think the game is over. When i came down the door seemed unlocked, my diary disturbed . The spy has got his bit and left.
I'll never know if the cameras are disconnected . Will always live in fear of bodily exposure ,at least for few years to come.Life has changed.
What a mental torture!For full two months.An upheavel of unnatural emotions . A tsunami of artificial emotions.
Narayana, help all those who fall in this devil's hands.
.Charlie's hand is every where,the auto uncharecteristically went mighty slow.Had a nice darshan of Thayar and Balaji and a nice walk in the park after oh so such a long long gap,and sat on a empty bench to drink in the soothing greenery when two fat young couples came directly towards me , the man making a belligerent eye contact and sat on the corner of the bench and immediately started arguing loudly. I ignored this noisy intrusion and concentrated on a yellow butterfly flitting by daintly withiout a care in the world ,its food its only care ,nectar that was also available in plenty and close at hand or wings span in the yellow flowers that have bloomed in profusion ,scattering its scent to be breathed in and filling oneself with this spiritual fragrance to those who are discerning enough.Yet i couldn't help over hearing and tried hard to conceal my smile at this farce act put up for my benifit to distract and divest me of my space.
Dark clouds massed and i decided it was time to leave .The actors followed suit . Before i could flag an auto the sky opened up and poured tonnes of water like as if to douse the the heat of the earth and air that were like burning embers ,in the past two month long period of the cruel waves of unabated heat .
I got thoroughly wet but didn't mind. It was more like a unasked for treat and i relished it.There were several women taking shelter under the parks gate along with me.One dusky , most probably an christian [ spy maybe] with a small child and few Hindu women as well [ also spy maybe ,every one appears as a spy to me these days.Bloody Charlie's doing]Whilst the Hindu women laughed at my joke that when i finally decided to venture out the sky poured rain in amazement [nan vandhadu nale mazhaiye peinjudhu] the dark women remained silent and looked at me in a curious way.Half glaring with suppresed fury and half in mute appeal that seemed to mirror her inner fear.
It twisted my heart. Am i being viewed as a extreme right wing fanatic or as a person having the power or some say over right wing extremism?And that is scaring her and all other minorities?Me , of all persons an extremist?How can it be?Why am i being viewed as such?
[ Charlies please note .no amount of authority or strong arm tactics or even the strict imposition of Reid technique can soften me and make me introspect the way an appeal from a terror stricken heart can]
Came home as usual by an auto arranged by Charlie with usual obstacles . I have got pretty much used to all this by now.
My dress changing process has become very long and ardous as i decided in order to gain back my sense of self i'll never expose some parts to Charlie.Well certain things have changed for ever in my life and this is one such.It is going to take few more years, maybe to put up with this humiliation which in course of time by then, may become habitual.
Today morning my warden wanted me to wake up by 6.He willed it .Bloody hypnotist.But i didn't . Lay rolling on the bed . I didn't attend ......another spies pre marriage ritual , for one Vidat's death still haunts me and second i feel that he and his family had dirtied on me.
Watched Kinder gardencop and it struck me that Srinanden cop/doc may not be the hub of the woman above, just acting ,and she is a not a woman but actually a man, , maybe he is even a Hindu. The spy world is full of deceit.
Then went through the stats of my blog and found that 'Ahmedabad' was having a sudden jump in views.Curious i clicked to read it to find the reason . The date was 27 th February. Some thing made me check the Google for the dates of Gujarat riots of 2002. The date was 27 th feb and was in peak till 7 th march.Horrific killings all around .And co incidently or strangely, though i completed my visit to Dwarka by 25 th feb my posts were from 27 th to 7 th march.No wonder Muslims are mad at me.
The details of the riots given in the Wikki sickened me .
The significance of the date of my posts and its content hit me.and i felt sick.The dates tally with the dates of the burning of the train and subsequent riots. It begins and ends exactly with the riots that took place a decade ago.The contents purely from a Hindu view point.
The posts after posts on Hinduism and then cap it with a temple visit to Gujarat exactly on the very date of those terrible riots!And Modi being publicly feted by all his supporters stridently there after! Is it my doing?Is this the cause of Muslim fear and fury?
Riots are terrible. I can never kill or be the cause of anyone's death. I have unwittingly projected myself as an extremist.
No sane person in the know of things would have committed this ultimate folly.
The fact is that i am not insane ,only too deeply soaked in the grief of the loss of my son that got further aggravated when my second son left home to pursue higher studies, and i was simply lost in a world of my own to be fully aware of all that was happening around me.More over i never had any feed back regarding my posts from viewers.Nor was i made fully aware of its importance, if any in our polity and society.I have no friends , either journo's or politico's to enlighten me nor does any member of my family read my blogs to gauge their importance and the possible effect on others..I simply have deduce everything on my own without any facts .
To me the visit to Dwaraka then was another temple visit that need to be fulfilled in the long list of divyadesams i hope to complete before Vidat's 5 th anniversary.
Till today i was unaware of this connection. It is to the credit of Charlie 's third degree methods and hypnosis that made me look up the article on Gujarat riots and compare it with my posts and join the dots.
My second son in one of our conversations said that minorities are definetly an insecure lot.My posts would have added fuel to fire.To those of you, Muslims, Christians and others who are hurt by my insensitivity and this unintended lapse on my part ,I am truly sorry.
Which star of mine made me do this?
Evening i went up to the terrace,without putting double lock. Let the spy read the confession he is hankering after.
The sky was somewhat primitive, dark and mysterious.Was this primitiveness that pulled me to Gujarat on those sensitive days?The angst of my anscestors who would have suffered persecution in the hands of turks coupled with the angst of vidat's unrequited love, of being rejected in his overtures to a muslim girl, the disappointment of which he may have taken to his funeral pyre, that made me conclude the post on Somnath the rebuilding of which is more of a pshycological assertion of domination of Hindu's who were under dogs over Muslims who were over lords till Independance, than less of a religious one?Was this the sub conscious answer my interrogator was seeking all along?Only stars can tell .
i rang up vin from the terrace.,Let charlie read my diary in peace.Poor vin has a cold and once again refused to believe me when i said 'your mother is caught in a spies web'.He felt better after teasing me saying maybe the heavy down pour yesterday over me and chennai was also the handiwork of my spies, cloud seeding and all.How sweet , how innocent. How young. Will he ever learn the truth?
The truth of being interrogated in this bizzare manner by top intelligence agencies without giving a reason for doing so ,of being in police custody for two months though as per law the maximum is only 15 days, for being stared at by cameras, of being humiliated and shamed ,of being terrorised and mesmerised, of being ridiculed and made to cross swords constantly?
I think the game is over. When i came down the door seemed unlocked, my diary disturbed . The spy has got his bit and left.
I'll never know if the cameras are disconnected . Will always live in fear of bodily exposure ,at least for few years to come.Life has changed.
What a mental torture!For full two months.An upheavel of unnatural emotions . A tsunami of artificial emotions.
Narayana, help all those who fall in this devil's hands.
posted by K.C. Sujata at
10:47 PM
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