Contrast....... from my diary---29.10.15 4 pm

Had resolved not to mention minorities in my writings  but did so today in the morning in my diary.Maybe due to my nervy morning walks  .I resolved thus when on a visit to a relatives house for viewing kolu [dolls arranged on a step like stands which forms part of Navarathri celebrations in here] a middle aged police an was waving his lathi   at a cowering youth inside his  van on the side of a busy traffic junction.A passing motorist looked at me seated in a auto , pityingly.That night saw the news on Eng  news channels of two body builder mino youths showing their welts which mumbai police have said to have delivered.So was that policeman in here at chennai enacting that piece of news for me?
Felt that he was and felt enraged .Why should e do so ?Is it his job to enact news items for a citizen/diarist /nam ke vaste  bjp member[after GE was ignored &also jeered at the office]/right leaning therefore communal blogger like me?Didn't he have any other work to do ? And why should i be constantly dragged into this secular vs communal issues?that to by a person working under state govt!Was it to show me jeeringly what rights were up to in north and in process adapting a holier than thou mantle?Again why?That i may note it in this diary  or is it merely to poke fun at my right leanings  or is it both and somehow get some benefits for their well advertised protectees?not that i grudge any benefits accruing to them nor to any one desperate enough to rely upon me to turf them out but definitely do not take any pride in such altruism, since to me ends can never justify means and the means employed to get reactions from me on issues which or in normal course are not within my interests and ambit  as  can be gleaned from my tweets is too dirty,dehumanising and bestial.

This  constant manipulation eating into the peace of my daily life hardened me and so refused to write it and resolved not to curse my constant provocateurs as that seems to get them concessions and instead of abating with a sense of gratitude, i am rewarded with humiliating provocations worse than the previous ones!
Next ,on the day of sarawathi puja  a film shooting of a song and dance sequence took place all of  a sudden in the open space  at front of the temple with aloud and jarring music and words mattu vandi --bullock cart repeated  on and on  at the place where a few months back a huge ox cart owned and tended by a thin old man and cherished by his equally thin old wife used to be parked for several year s but was moved out and two ugly black water tanks taking its place .the stereo sound irritated me and made me jeer at the pompousness of the young dance master rather exercise master ,being followed by a small boy holding a umbrella shielding him from the sun and kept chafing at the crass song and dance.This continued for several days.But i was also touched  at the way ,all the wrestler like dancers  do the typical  guru namaskaar as is done in Bharat natyam , early in the morning before starting the days of repetitive  work.

I specially didn't want to write about this as i 'll be fried for my softness on Bharat's culture.I thought that all this shooting was something to do with  Pak films etc up north,but i guess now that leftist seculars were telling me about the plan of film directors to give up their awards .This shooting ended on Tuesday  as i returned from a shop , right in front of the temple when i passed it and  with firecrackers ,clapping etc following suit.  When i saw this news on tv squirrels started screeching .so may be a link.

Ok why should i be given such warning signals or prior information as to what the secoolars are upto?How is it my concern?am i their courier ?
Frankly i never hated or despised minorities in the way i am being made to now ,because it is mino's who are held  and show cased at front of me  as dirty titlists  whilst those espousing their cause care hidden from view .I have always considered them  to be equal to me ,neither low or high.Are low strata used in this shameful and dirty sex game  coz a right blogger tweeted that brahmin women salivate on low life muslim?Is his views put into action?
Ok why all this covert action around me viz animal planet or animal channels like  info and signals?If there is a threat to me why isn't the police coming and telling it directly to me the way rationalists , and writer like P,murugan were warned .Does it mean the following----

1.Threat to me and family [though tooth, knees and hearts were broken systematically and slyly] isn't much  or
2.Such warnings and protection are reserved only for secular, rational writers and not for cultural, Hindu Sanskrit sloka ,  Tamil verses translators on blogs previously and now when i do it in my house without blogging it , just for myself or with intention to publish it ,like me?That i simply have to take care of myself and family as such protection of state is available only for writers who are in secular/leftist  liberal fraternity?
Had to under go constant harassment  when i printed a small booklet on aazwars verses.
or
 3.Libs and seculars famed for their boldness ,broad mindedness ; flexibility could not stomach my not caving in 2012 itself but continued blogging till 2014 amidst harassment's  and so will keep on provoking me and get angry retorts  which secular  forces nation wide can put in use to counter communal forces  and in process squash me, defame me and push me to more danger  and then justify anything --giddiness caused due to constant intrusion into my  very private space[includes private parts whether at house or in public places by using gadgets ,casing and pshyco tricks,hypnosis,] so  tripping on main road ,accidents etc ,that i asked for it?
ok does all this deter me from going out or translating ancient works or writing my  very public diary?It did for sometime when the gadgetry use ,hypnosis etc peaked[i was caught alone against mighty monied forces] and was quite petrified and i sought to overcome  this embarrassing blackmail by surgeries and confined myself to house ,convalescing and noting only bird and animal calls and a few write ups on nature.
Does all this still deter me.Maybe it would if i felt that this was not my country and that laws ,constitution are farcical and have no sense of belonging to this soil and culture or subscribe to its ancient philosophy, thoughts and beliefs.But what to do? I am a born buff for all the above.

On seeing news after news of libs /seculars outrage what i have written above  is a sharp contrast..A ground reality in my case.

Tweeting

i have started tweeting .this is my twitter account--k.c.sujata (@KCSujata)

i invite my viewers to read them

chronology of events that culminated in the attempts to convert a blogger on hinduism.

I guess it all started with my post on once a hindu always a hindu in Jan 2010 with comments commending it on one hand and on the other comments laced with sugar coated threats .
As l cast my mind back i suppose much of the rude treatments i received on my travels to temples by hindu's themselves [,maybe the ones who confused truth telling by me  as  being against secularism] could be a indirect show of displeasure at my writings, but  was not all that  physically painful  so as to have stuck to my memory.
2011 --Felt a sudden painful tingling in my right molars in september and was advised by dentist to go for a root canal operation .A painful one and got a cap  for the cleaned out teeth
Nov--Felt shooting pains in  left knee cap and diagnised as arthritis by ortho .Couldn't bend my leftknee for a long time after ,had to drag my leg gingerly.
Since i associate a lot of my pains and its redressal there after by the resident of the immediate upper floor which is the property of a muslim woman and introduced himself as her husband, let me mention here that it was in 2010 that i or my family or our neighbours saw him for the first time, the very year that post that stirred a controversy amongst my viewers.
I am blogging all this frankly hoping that my son's friends would have moved on with their lives and would have lost interest in my blogs due my long absence on the net.

2012.Thunderous noise heard only  by me and terrifying warnings by gruff male voises non stop for two months inside the house and  by heckling by gas boys, college girls  and boys on roof tops,and rude stares of  flat mates who were all once courteous and distant.And crowds of muslim boys bursting on to the park which is not the place of their normal outing  and rudness by all and sundry .
At end of which that is by end of june  2012 i was a bundle of nerves .There after i just couldn't concentrate on translating sanskrit ot Tamil slokas  nor could i observe in peace my sorroundings in  the places where i travelled. in short i couldn't observe india .Her beauty as well as her faults.And i kept writing only about myself --a lot of trash.

2013 --My leg healed remarkably.so well that i was literally flying like a young busy body. First time in my life that i had so much speed and ,flexibility .Not my nature to be so.And was feeling too too youthful  .Again unnatural.But rudness ,disrespect by all continued and was made to confess viz write on and on about my feelings after giving me emotional shocks .The victims being my near ones ,Husband, weak minded brother and ailing relatives.I was made to write about current public affairs that are rabidly discussed on tv channels or news papers .That is how my take on india in august 2012 rolled out .in which i gave my opinion on political leaders and predicted a period of peace and prosperity under the present leader .It was written after my emotions were churned up after weakening my husbands heart by scaring him .

2014 --whole of june my mind was mercilessly attacked by stinging waves all through the night for a whole month when i wrote my anger against political leaders in my diary for not rescuing me and then decided not to write any more or for some time and so stuck to my decision and didn't write a word about the brain attacks and the way i coudn't eat as my stomach was also constricted and painful.Meanwhile the naerby temple abandoning  beaming its favorite Amman songs started beaming advise from Kural.
Ever since that attack i couldnt get deep into my memory ,emotions and felt that my thoughts criss crossing my forehead were being skimmed and put to use ,either by media houses or politicians.And the advise that flowed from the nearby temple was extraordinarily like a insatant reply or observations to my thoughts and it was being broad cast loud and clear with only possible explanation -- either to warn me that i had lost the privacy of my thoughts and that i better house good ones like a saint or to further weaken me pshycologically.and make me a bundle of nerves .
July and August ---Was put the fear of near one's imminent death if i dare chant my daily japa om namo narayana or write Sri ramajeyam.This was put in very effectively by synchronising the time of my daily japa with news of expiry of my bil and brother at--11.30 am. within a span of 2 months .My brothers was on 27 aug,so was vidat,s , 27julyand so was my mothers --in 2012 27 nov.And a revulsion was created against my mangal sutra that it was being used to keep me under delusional control and was made to remove it.with nearby temple advising me to get rid of it .
September--What a month .Kept discharging fluid which i had stopped doing decades back. i become a massof nerves .gadgets used liberally at base of my spine vibrating it on and on .motor bikes kept dashing out from next block every 10 minutes  as if to commomerate my leak.Lost a lot of weight.In my time of relaxation --noon naps was given the option of being a koel --that is  sing from a muslim boys heart and set things right in communall india specially under the new dispensation or other wise face muslim fury.for being thus i should take bath in total dark,dress in total dark, never switch on light ,shouldn't wear my silk sarees,jewels, or dress after dark or go out after dark, shouldn't watch tv or read news and never visit temples and shouldnt expose an inch of my body.And that if i visit a temple since i am full of leaking liquids [it was equated to periods --my age then 57] the IB being under a conservative hindu will slit my throat.The teasings continued,
oct --stopped wearing glasses even for long distance as it was used to nasty me, focus my attention on unwanted things and to fudge my view as per will .It was also put into my head that glasses were being used to keep me in this unnatural, youthfully beaming state and if i read any book a muslim  boy will read along with me.It was also giving me scratching sensation in my upper torso.

Nov-- Visited gyno for medical view.she said there was a small  cyst in my utreus and a lot of thickening  but benign and may turn malignant or may not .Dec--Decided to remove the uterus to escape this embarrasing   black mail and and to divest my dirty oppressors of this tool once and for all.Post operation painful .gyno asked whether i had any major operation  in stomachbefore this .said no. She wondered then how come my ovaries were stuck to the uterus wall . it made me wonder .was it the indiscriminate and calluos use of that vibrating gadget without a thought to my defences getting weakened by age on the base of my spine for past 4 years as i stood in balcony or in my rooms or whilst bathing  or when i slept be the reason behind the reason of the ovaries getting stuck to the wall?

Feb and march went for cataract  operation for both the eyes as the only way to escape harrassment .Very good vision there after .no need for long distance glasses but have to for reading .

After removing ms when i ever i visited temple or wore my gold chain with image of goddeslakshmi  embossed on it felt terrific pain in my left neck like slitting and strangulating when i neared my locality  whilst passing by a muslim petty shop several times in my house .Once shockingly when i changed dress in  my bathroom and heard and saw on coming out the lad from upper flat whizzing off in scooter . shocked coz i thought he did it ,a middle class neigh  or maybe he was used .
Meanwhile i was getting information warnings still do through animals, and birds sounds and vendors.Actually this wasgoing on since 2010,only i did not take notice and am doing so now.Some agency is doing its job dilligently whether one takes cognisance of it or not.I was also writing diary which would be more like an log of animal sounds and didn't even write the writhing pains i was subjected to after removal of my uterus for fear of inviting my oppressors wrath .i was simply scared for my family.

May--after my eyes healed wore my mangal sutra .An hindu neigh who as sort of helping me [every thing is indirect ]seemed relieved .And harrassment actually abated after that .

July suddenly felt the urge to visit net which i had totally left.Amazed at my views .more than 2 lakhs.hence wrote a letter to viewers Then didn't visit net except to take down my translations of pasuraums as i wanted to publish a book
August printed the booklet .it was seen to that it would be full of typing errors though i corrected it nearly 6 times and a lot of blocking off my mind when i sat to translate some new pasurums. some how i did it and sent it to thiruvallur temple the place from where all this started...
Also found that carrying srinivasars pictures brought an heaviness to my knees and caught myself avoiding houses inahabitated by muslims when in my walks  .somebody was controling my movments and i was made to avoid going near such houses with pictures of srinivasar for fera hurting their sentiments and i was also punished  with throbbing knee and a heavy body .It was a challenge  as it was specific to me alone.100's of people pass by with images of various hindu gods on their person, vehicles etc on that very road I decided to carry as many pictures as possible and deliberately go near muslims passing me by or pass closely to their shops and houses .I also caught myself smiling involuntarily at muslims .May be i was trained thus for 4 long years through my specs coz yesterday after blogging i caught myself smiling at the overhead light whilst trying to nap.so i deliberately smiled no grinned  at every passing muslim  ,the ones specially sent to cross or walk along side .Then pain left and scratching sensation in upper chest replaced whenver i crossed amuslim with such bags.Found out that nastying me  that is titiliate my private parts  with gadgets was l;inked to muslims from dirty lungis to software pro's .
Then i started to maintain a log of the vibrations felt at my lower spine , discahrge of water or leaking of sweat in lower part and movt of muslims in my flat and the nature of my work in my public diary as i wanted to nasty these fellows back who were acting under the age old impression that a woman who is sexually harrassesd will keep mum  if not for herself but for her family .Several alliances went off and i often get calls from ostensible alliances enquirng whether i have only one son  pointedly or callers asking whether i have taken an insurance.
Visited tirumala taking the purse with pictures .felt very heavy once out of the temple.Now it was indirectly shown that only srinivasar alone will ward off my other harrassers, --amman bhakths and they should not be discounted as thaayar or lakshmi was similar to shakthi,and all this shown within temple itself at Trichanoor

September --I don't know what came over me.i suddenly decided on my husbands birthday to start using  my house as his and mine alone asi used to before 2012May be i had enough of all this shadowy control and it was also coupled with my feeling very sorry for the 3 yera child  below who was made to cry with gadgets too often to warn me to keep quiet  [squeezing a certain part of brain  makes them cry , i know from experience ] . whenever i start shouting about the gross injustice of this all that for the sake of a community ,a politicians vote bank maybe i have to suffer when i have nothing to do with politics and why can't the authorities remove all these cameras ,listening devices and free me and even if they don't  and haven't i am only letting off in the privacy of my house and not speaking or shouting from a public platform and and have let go off my blogging .Or may be going through my earlier diaries 2000 onwards so as to edit them shook me out of this delusional trap and the artificial life i was leading and made to lead
so i dressed in my bedroom at front of the mirror for the first time in 4 yeras and decided to take my usual walk without pictures of gods as i used to before.I was also angry that i was given this concesion that if i carry pictures of gods only then muslims will not trouble me .i was angry coz why should i shoulder the burden of of establishing my hindu identity in my country the only country in world known as hindu country  where this ancient religion is practised and no where else and that to after taking birth in a long lineage of hindu scholars!Why should i do so for no fault of mine except crossing swords online  and in my diary which may have led to that public hounding and non stop brain washing since then?

 Took the usual route in southern direction  early in morn and stood at my favourite spot nera flowers sellers on side f the road .had a glimpse of srinivasar and closed my eyes for few seconds ,then took a step forward ,blacked out and lay as if  prostrating  to srinivasar on the road .a man helped me to get up .no traffic could walk .but the temple door was shut .as i cleaned my wound on my right knee cap remembered a dirty lungi cross me when i opened my eyes and next second was flat on the road .two days back i was letting off  against minorities cosseting and how they and political backers  were taught a lesson by the sweep in general elections and a vendor selling 10 rs balm made his round which i decided to ignore and didn't note it in my diary.
So i may have been punished for all three .

After wounds healed again went for a walk in same route same time same mode of dressing but slowly .the gates were closed and i didn't fall .Again experimented a walk without gods pictures and after kicking my inhibition and fera  in using my house as my own .it felt like flying .giddy and unstable .took a temple bag next time and my pace slowed .really some one has experimented too much with me .




 ok the germ was planted in 2011 itself .That of conversion or to make me liberal and flexible.But i still had emotions, independant thinking and none of these discharges and scratches  whenever a muslim passed by  nor any giddiness whilst walking .I had my confidence

It was only after that month long attacks on my brain that i lost my bearings and clarity of thought and was devoid of this constant chatter within me.So the platform for  conversion was laid very systematicaly  in June itself . To put fear into me and divest me of my internal and external beliefs in my religion and to make me feel guilty of involuntary  discharge when i pray or husband prays or enter the percinits of a temple and then crow about it by ringing the puja bell[neigh] [keep wondering how these people get to know about discharge of liquid down below --gyno said most women get it till 80 and evenafter ,in my case my skin has lost the capacity to absorb  ,hence i can feel it like one does of sweat.Is it face reading or do gadgets guarentee such results in a time span?]or tease from the temple broad cast or keep make pointed reference to over supply of water .That   whilst the minority community is shaming me and my worship of god and is exhibiting its  aversion to  hindu gods some from majority community is greeting it with tinkling of puja bell or feeding the crows in a muslim neigh compound wall.
I also catch myself wiping sweat off my brow and eyes and adjusting my sari unnesarily  whenever a muslim nears me on the road and bending westwards! .Just why should i be made to pay so much respect for these total strangers religious beliefs in such a crazy/perverted  manner?since jamming my head even my fury is not rising  and am unaable to think of ways to get out of this  unbelievably perverted situation.

Aern't these people who did this to me scared even a bit? That i can write all this and now have summoned the courage to blog it which can be read by all  in this hindu country? what gall to attempt it on a person who was writing about hinduism ?The posts which moderate middle class hindu's find good and informative and even amusing  and nothing too controversial in them?Is this state specific?Don't these people have a national perspective?That this could boomerang?

I was too scared to write all this and to blog it .was  i chased out of net and something done to me at behest of muslim outfits with authorities looking the other way?.Why are the liberals who, devoted several edition of their newpaper on perumal murugan hounding by hindu outfits, kept quiet at my hounding.Does freedom of expression exist only to those who write about defects or abnormalities whether real or imagined in hindu society ,caste etc and not to one who takes pride in her religion --hinduism without hurting or abusing other religions?Even i wrote about  my  candid observations of hindu society ,rituals so why aern't the gaurdians of freedom of expression supporting me ? it means freedom of expression as per these guardians of civil rights is not for those who take pride in hinduism or for those who  find nothing basically wrong with this religion..                                                                                                                     Do they  enjoy my hounding ?What about hindu outfits?how are they allowing this weird conversion  of  co religionists they seek to protect without a squeak of protest?

It was when i said go to hell all of you i am going treat my  house as my own did i lose my embarrassment and fear.
Since i left 'purdah' when i found it was for low class mus my information machinery was scaled down a cycle cart instead of van comes trundling asking for old comp or announces sale of mangos in this off season from a distance
My blood boils at the way i was shabbily treated all these years forced to pay respect to low class mus sentiments and to a certain extent to, low class vibuthees and for pushing my present to  a distant past .and i am still wired to do so.Who is the puppeteer?why is there so much silence from all around me.Is it to everyone's benifit that i be kept in this constantly unnatural life --of constant monitoring shadowily to either be sacchirenly sweet [rather salivate in their presence] politicians vote banks and  pour out my fury for forcing me to do so,so as to squeeze out as much of my fabled imagination?

what a good job i was doing on net .i blogged about granite scam fearlessly way back when it was known locally in madurai and now t is big news .on way back a man i guess an intel tried to distract my attention in train on return trip but failed to and that must have led to this bigger operation in 2012.
I felt for the poor, poverty,revolted by filth,and blogging on temples and travel and culture  and my observations on hindu society,its flaws and .merits ,all good stuff .i also donated a lot of money to poor , temples educated poor without boating about it in my blogs if i wasn,t distracted in 2012 i would have continued my quiet public and social work purely for my atma tripthi--satisfaction and life would have been meaningful.
but now i am going on writuing about things i scarcely derive any satisfaction of a job well done ,nor am i allowed to observe things as they are and am constantly trapped into communal --secular writings like those never ending debates on tv chanels , for which i have no interest .so no satisfaction.

ps .have started tweeting about tinglings,scratching sensation mainly due to use of gadgets.it was shown to me long back in a drama when a girl of 5 stood at front of me with her back ti me and kept scratching the parting in her bottom for full half hour , when i had apealed to show me as to what was being done to me .A man appearing to be from lower stratta ,middle aged  with  a mobile smiled at me as if to explain what was being done to me .he was seated behind our row on the left.. 

A brief summary of what happened to me since june 2014---fromjuly 2015 diary

Emotional blackmail coupled with physically weakening me with slaked food items and excessive use of gadgets on my brain led to my forgoing my silent repetition of Narayana mantra ,and writing two columns of Sriramajeyam [my daily simple meditation and ritual]and also led to me discarding my mangal sutra  as it was put into my head that if chanted such names my family members would pop off one by one and it so happened that at both the times i was doing my japa at 11.30 am received a call within minutes of the passing away of my ailing brother in law in the first instance in June and next in August of my brother .I was also made to discard my mangal sutra in august with the same threat that if i continued wearing it then next on the list would be my husband who has a weak heart as the gold pedants glitter will attract nastiness to be perpetrated on me from all and sundry with gadgets and that it had a gps to keep me in track.

So much revulsion was created in me that i took it off so that its sacredness will not be further abused and bided my time ,nearly 10 months hence after three surgeries and strengthening myself from any such further attack on its sacredness and wore it back in May this year .
September 2014 was a month of constant gadgetry attack which was preceded by constant microwave or radio signals attack on my brain the whole of June ,earlier .The nonstop attacks made my skin in forehead shrivel and felt a gap between my brain and inner self .
in september i lost a lot of fluid  the whole month and weight and whenever i relaxed in armchair or directly under fan or light heard once a terrifying voice saying bismillah and then followed by suggestions that i i start worshiping param pita to escape my present predicament This param pita stuff went on and on with a us visit and settling there dangled before me .When i thought nothing doing i d rather die than change my religion   it stopped and next attempt was to change my sect to Amman  worship--mother goddess or shakthi and escape my troubles.Meanwhile i was advised by a party manager to stop blogging and i did after i was made to put a lot of my posts on redraft from june on wards. i also didn't wear specs fearing that it would be used to nasty me,and went around with very low vision.for nearly 8 months and then finally decided to take the plunge to do away with specs that had become an instrument of control by strangers , by undergoing cataract operation though they were not fully ripe .

Viewers reading this would find it laughable as i would  .Without following the proper procedure for conversions as laid in those religions how can one be thus be converted ?Did the lower illiterate segments or those fanatic in their beliefs actually consider such blowing of their respective gods names in my ears when i am in a subconscious state think it is conversion?
Analysing this sudden concentrated attacks on me i concluded that it could only be due to my blog posts .
Did conversion work ?I scaled down my prayer and reading religious articles but my core beliefs remain the same viz Hindu philosophy specially in karma , belief in my kula deity  and my  feeling that bharat is punya  bhumi --sacred land sanctified by avatars and sages of yore  remains as well as some sentiments .
The Hinduism in me is since my childhood so it was too deep to be deterred by fear of death to me though the threat to my family and friends made me scale my japa as well as my activity on the net which i guess was what was primarily aimed at .
The attempt to humiliate an ancient and sacred custom which i have been following for last 34 years  also failed as i vowed to wear it  and also escape further emotional  and physical black mail after putting parts of my body to surgeons scalpel ,parts that were having age related problems in early stages,but hastened my decision as they were  targeted with gadgets, slaked food and specs to nasty and embarrass me ,my eyes and uterus. Recovery was slow and very painful  and i suspect i wasn't spared of gadgetry uses even in such a state.Brutality has to be experienced to know what it is .and i had my fill .

The privacy of my house ,the privacy of my thoughts which is easily skimmed off my forehead after that month long brain attack with waves from all sides as i slept at night ,is still continuing and my bodily movements and directions  is easily controlled and even secretion of sweat in various parts of my body specially in face comes and goes at will though i may not have exerted physically to get it .

I debated a lot with myself whether to blog this post or not though i feel that authorities specially politicians want me to  since they may think that by doing so i could dispel three doubts regarding me 1.whether i am alive or dead 2.To put it on record that i withstood  conversion attempts so as to assuage my Hindu viewers sentiments .other wise there could be chances of it boomeranging since such a openly conducted operation in September last would not have gone unnoticed with suspicions filling the minds  of those who were aware of it.3.to prove that freedom of expression is  in existence.
The thought that vidat's friends may read it and would not be able to digest  the travails of their late friends mother  held me back .Their reaction would be similar to Vidat and i didn't have the heart to subject them to disbelief, anger, frustration and tears.Then i thought of my brother Aravind and his miserable and untimely death  and felt i owed it to him to blog this and so i have .