swimming with the tide/relinquishing 'virtual' power.
As i stood near my bedroom window watching the activities on the street below .saw that old ,half blind widowed woman of poor means ,staggering out of the tenements and swaying and groping her way ,towards the nearby petty shop.
The sight of her as it always does cuaght my attention ,stirring my pity.As i watched on ,her slow progress, it startled me to observe that she had fresh change of clothes different from that of yesterday.whilst i was still in my nightie and the sun had climbed quite high i the sky.Was my pity misplaced?
She has nearly nothing but is cherishing the very fact of being alive and is going about it in a routine , unhurried manner with total lack f self pity.
I am younger richer, healthier but i am neither cherishing nor exploiting these facts but cherishing only those moments i spend at front of the PC with my fingers on its keys!
The only routine i look froward to.The only entertainment and fulfilment in my present life.Why has it come to dominate my life so wholly? Wasn't it only an self imposed mission , an fulfillment of my late son's last wish? Instead of treating blogging as a memorial as i originally intended ,to be updated once in a while ,it has steadily over he years come to dominate my entire life, the very meaning of my existence , with everything else, the normal life of a house holder taking a back seat .Especially for the past one year with the arrival of charlie and co .
The main reason apart from the net being a rich source of articles with varied viewpoints that are at times diametrically opposite to the msns and therefore interesting that alleviates the boredom of my humdrum life and broadens my general outlook and understanding of the polity, history and society, is the feeling of power that seems to gravitate from it as a result of making my musings and comments public .
The fierce battle of nerves between me and charlie and the various hurdles thrown at me by professionals and professional orgns with full political backing ,did not deter me from blogging,Charlie exposed me as a shameless person .It didn't matter
Every one , from little boys playing cricket in the compound to persons leaning on walking sticks were made to show their ire --both real and contrived.It didn't matter . Since every time i dipped into the net i came up with a support system that was powering me and cleansed the dirt thrown on me constantly , every hour of every day of a whole year!
Matters came to such a pass after the strange Inquisition of may-June 2012 that it was no longer necessary for me to blog to make my thoughts public.I just had to write it in a book or diary as is my normal practise before transferring it to the net or speak or utter a few words in my house and it was Public!
Did that deter or daunt me from blogging .No.
Did the fact that my family and those closely related were psychologically and emotionally blackmailed in covert manner deter and daunt me? It did .But overcame it once the pressure was so 'magnanimously' removed in response to my silent tears .A lot of people enjoy seeing me cry.A perverse pleasure i seem to provide to those unable to digest my general make over /personality.The high that comes out of showing a woman her place --in the kitchen,in the nursery ,in the bed , with flashes of flesh and cunningness very welcome as against wholly unwelcome flashes of knowledge and intellect by a set of self proclaimed inheritors of dominance blurring the distinctions between physical and mental capacities and sole repositry of wisdom.
I literally have to bathe,dress, eat, sleep ,let out those embarrassing queer sounds in the bathroom in public! Did it deter me ? It did but made a few changes in my usual routine like those adapted by women in rural areas to salvage my shame and whatever was left of it and got adjusted to it.
My angry taunts owing to non stop provocations for the past one year on the blog received swift reactions by political class that was good for the country .But my activities in leisure , of writing about our history or my soul searchings in a personal diary or reading essays or short stories brought about violent reactions. The loss of lives . The loss of Innocent lives. That deters me. It took me several years to see my face on the mirror .That is what bereavement does to one . How could i do the same to another--a mother - how so over remote my connection could be to actual act of violence and death.
As i paced the terrace yesterday evening i wondered about the total lack of remorse in many a top politicians of this country , living and dead to loss of lives by their indiscretions and single minded goal of gaining and maintaining power .
Politics according to wikki is the art of influencing 2 or more people . If so, i, who hail from a family which is not new to politics , and have always abhorred politics but have in reality become an politician myself!
Though i know that my persona is fatally attractive as well as repugnant to those in power and is thereby causing loss of lives [tho in a round about manner] i am also clinging to power! That of continuing stubbornly to be in no man's land or property,tantalisingly and dangerously.If terrorists and Maoists start taking advantage of my ideological stand that of cherishing my freedom to express and chart my own individual course and activism, to suit their violent methods i would be giving them tacit approval if i still stuck on to my stand.
Hence i have decided to relinquish my power derived from my uniqueness , my individuality by joining a political party --naturally the BJP ,being a rightist in my leanings, if they would have me. Then the 'sting' from my writings /blogging as well as my leisure readings should hopefully dissipate as i will be thence forward be bracketed in a well defined group that has its the usual share of bouquets and brickbats. .
As i sat in the balcony sipping my early morning coffee the bitter exclamation of my husband's reactions to my declaration of my decision at last night supper came to my mind.
He had thundered 'Politics is the last resort of scoundrels'. I corrected saying 'In my case it is the converse . If i didn't join politics ie by becoming a member of a political party i would become even worse than a scoundrel in my own eyes.'!
As if in affirmation a lone koel cooed melodiously .My spiritual messenger. At the same time groups of crows forming several tight circles and hobnobbing with one another ,flew away in different directions in search of food with ear splitting raucous cries.
My husband also warned that my place would be in a grimy corner of the party room with only tea and rusk as refreshments when called to attend meetings or whilst marching down streets in hot sun bearing flags and banners.
The very thought of joining a political party is scary , that to to one who has become a loner and unsocialble for the past several years .The only public service i am skilled at present is blogging about our culture and temple visits and commenting on any issue of public importance that stirs me.Yet i think i should find the courage to do so in order to salvage my conscience.
This is also the maximum i can do to cure some of the most powerful persons of this country of her/his /their obsession with my day to day life[extremely mundane but is like a keg to explosives to persons under terrific pressure to perform] and save some innocent livesof my/ our country men from being lost.
I have no antipathy towards the ruling party --Congress , only that when it started to eye me, a trail of deaths followed in its wake .How so ever remote the connection maybe , i find myself in constant bereavement .
It is my request that hereafter that my words and deeds be treated with the scant regard one would have for an ordinary member of the major opposition party or at the most the individual opinion, without frothing and fuming over it.
Congrats politicos , congrats charlie and co .You have both won exactly 11 months after my confession .If subsuming my individuality owing to the pricking's of my conscience , is losing, let it be.
date:30.5.13 thursday
The sight of her as it always does cuaght my attention ,stirring my pity.As i watched on ,her slow progress, it startled me to observe that she had fresh change of clothes different from that of yesterday.whilst i was still in my nightie and the sun had climbed quite high i the sky.Was my pity misplaced?
She has nearly nothing but is cherishing the very fact of being alive and is going about it in a routine , unhurried manner with total lack f self pity.
I am younger richer, healthier but i am neither cherishing nor exploiting these facts but cherishing only those moments i spend at front of the PC with my fingers on its keys!
The only routine i look froward to.The only entertainment and fulfilment in my present life.Why has it come to dominate my life so wholly? Wasn't it only an self imposed mission , an fulfillment of my late son's last wish? Instead of treating blogging as a memorial as i originally intended ,to be updated once in a while ,it has steadily over he years come to dominate my entire life, the very meaning of my existence , with everything else, the normal life of a house holder taking a back seat .Especially for the past one year with the arrival of charlie and co .
The main reason apart from the net being a rich source of articles with varied viewpoints that are at times diametrically opposite to the msns and therefore interesting that alleviates the boredom of my humdrum life and broadens my general outlook and understanding of the polity, history and society, is the feeling of power that seems to gravitate from it as a result of making my musings and comments public .
The fierce battle of nerves between me and charlie and the various hurdles thrown at me by professionals and professional orgns with full political backing ,did not deter me from blogging,Charlie exposed me as a shameless person .It didn't matter
Every one , from little boys playing cricket in the compound to persons leaning on walking sticks were made to show their ire --both real and contrived.It didn't matter . Since every time i dipped into the net i came up with a support system that was powering me and cleansed the dirt thrown on me constantly , every hour of every day of a whole year!
Matters came to such a pass after the strange Inquisition of may-June 2012 that it was no longer necessary for me to blog to make my thoughts public.I just had to write it in a book or diary as is my normal practise before transferring it to the net or speak or utter a few words in my house and it was Public!
Did that deter or daunt me from blogging .No.
Did the fact that my family and those closely related were psychologically and emotionally blackmailed in covert manner deter and daunt me? It did .But overcame it once the pressure was so 'magnanimously' removed in response to my silent tears .A lot of people enjoy seeing me cry.A perverse pleasure i seem to provide to those unable to digest my general make over /personality.The high that comes out of showing a woman her place --in the kitchen,in the nursery ,in the bed , with flashes of flesh and cunningness very welcome as against wholly unwelcome flashes of knowledge and intellect by a set of self proclaimed inheritors of dominance blurring the distinctions between physical and mental capacities and sole repositry of wisdom.
I literally have to bathe,dress, eat, sleep ,let out those embarrassing queer sounds in the bathroom in public! Did it deter me ? It did but made a few changes in my usual routine like those adapted by women in rural areas to salvage my shame and whatever was left of it and got adjusted to it.
My angry taunts owing to non stop provocations for the past one year on the blog received swift reactions by political class that was good for the country .But my activities in leisure , of writing about our history or my soul searchings in a personal diary or reading essays or short stories brought about violent reactions. The loss of lives . The loss of Innocent lives. That deters me. It took me several years to see my face on the mirror .That is what bereavement does to one . How could i do the same to another--a mother - how so over remote my connection could be to actual act of violence and death.
As i paced the terrace yesterday evening i wondered about the total lack of remorse in many a top politicians of this country , living and dead to loss of lives by their indiscretions and single minded goal of gaining and maintaining power .
Politics according to wikki is the art of influencing 2 or more people . If so, i, who hail from a family which is not new to politics , and have always abhorred politics but have in reality become an politician myself!
Though i know that my persona is fatally attractive as well as repugnant to those in power and is thereby causing loss of lives [tho in a round about manner] i am also clinging to power! That of continuing stubbornly to be in no man's land or property,tantalisingly and dangerously.If terrorists and Maoists start taking advantage of my ideological stand that of cherishing my freedom to express and chart my own individual course and activism, to suit their violent methods i would be giving them tacit approval if i still stuck on to my stand.
Hence i have decided to relinquish my power derived from my uniqueness , my individuality by joining a political party --naturally the BJP ,being a rightist in my leanings, if they would have me. Then the 'sting' from my writings /blogging as well as my leisure readings should hopefully dissipate as i will be thence forward be bracketed in a well defined group that has its the usual share of bouquets and brickbats. .
As i sat in the balcony sipping my early morning coffee the bitter exclamation of my husband's reactions to my declaration of my decision at last night supper came to my mind.
He had thundered 'Politics is the last resort of scoundrels'. I corrected saying 'In my case it is the converse . If i didn't join politics ie by becoming a member of a political party i would become even worse than a scoundrel in my own eyes.'!
As if in affirmation a lone koel cooed melodiously .My spiritual messenger. At the same time groups of crows forming several tight circles and hobnobbing with one another ,flew away in different directions in search of food with ear splitting raucous cries.
My husband also warned that my place would be in a grimy corner of the party room with only tea and rusk as refreshments when called to attend meetings or whilst marching down streets in hot sun bearing flags and banners.
The very thought of joining a political party is scary , that to to one who has become a loner and unsocialble for the past several years .The only public service i am skilled at present is blogging about our culture and temple visits and commenting on any issue of public importance that stirs me.Yet i think i should find the courage to do so in order to salvage my conscience.
This is also the maximum i can do to cure some of the most powerful persons of this country of her/his /their obsession with my day to day life[extremely mundane but is like a keg to explosives to persons under terrific pressure to perform] and save some innocent livesof my/ our country men from being lost.
I have no antipathy towards the ruling party --Congress , only that when it started to eye me, a trail of deaths followed in its wake .How so ever remote the connection maybe , i find myself in constant bereavement .
It is my request that hereafter that my words and deeds be treated with the scant regard one would have for an ordinary member of the major opposition party or at the most the individual opinion, without frothing and fuming over it.
Congrats politicos , congrats charlie and co .You have both won exactly 11 months after my confession .If subsuming my individuality owing to the pricking's of my conscience , is losing, let it be.
date:30.5.13 thursday
posted by K.C. Sujata at
5:40 AM
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