The next option.

I was sufferng from pain in my left leg especially at the calf ,for the past 1 month.I rubbed tubes of gel and swallowed anti inflammatory tablets by the dozen to get rid of that nagging cramp and throbbing pain that was constricting my activities.But it was of no avail.

So finally I landed in my family doctor's clinic , which I hadn't visited for nearly 3 years .He heard me out , didn't examine my leg ,regaled me with a humorous account of his recent trip to Saligram [Nepal] where he and his group all above 60 had to ride on a motorcycle over rough terrain ,pillion to reach the Vishnu temple a divya desam as the present rulers had cancelled the copter rides in order to give employment to villagers and the long walk at Ayodhya and quietly prescribed some tablets.

In the process he removed his specs and wiped the tears from his eyes that had reddened all of a sudden and drew in a sharp breath! To my query he assured me that I was suffering from ladies problem and not from anything else.

His action of wiping his eyes was so dramatic ,just like those of doc's confirming a death in films that it set me wondering.May be , he was just rubbing away a speck of dust,only time can tell.The net is my best friend these days. It is a rich source of information as well as confusion.On reaching home I immediately googled the tablets name .They were meant to avert clotting of blood! In other words for mild heart attack or temporary stroke!

I couldn't believe it.Is the feeling of or rather lack of feeling viz numbness on the left side of my body and finally settling as a permanent lump at my calf muscles a heart attack or stroke?

Pooh ! Is the way out so easy?It isn't half as painful as the root canal dental surgery I underwent recently.Had I been a smoker,like my younger brother, may be I would have gone off the screen by now.A cheerful thought indeed to my censors.

Had I been squeezed out of my body like the air from a balloon I would be still hovering around here at least for an year,of that I am sure.I would see my body which I had taken so much care ,with endless steaming, facials, exercise,dieting , grooming in my younger days ,be rolled over like a log of wood, and washed and dressed by strangers or even worse ,by those who never liked my company . A private person will become a public property for every one to see and comment!

Even more worse would be that I will get to know the secrets of my near and dear ones, which I could very well do without.Truth is often bitter and terrible to swallow.

After an year of hovering around I would definitely get back to this earthly living in one form or the other, which I abhor .The repeated cycle is so tiresome.

I only wish that I could become a star ,along side my son.Yes a star is only hot gaseous substance but it nevertheless looks pretty and cool from down here.Most importantly I want to look down at this familiar earth always and its inhabitants at me! It is tough to severe this connection.How can 'I' not exist ? Just vanish away into nothingness? It is too terrible a thought.

It is very likely that star may become a supernova and explode and destroy itself,.And then what?

That is after zillions of years , a long, long way off .I'll think about the next best option then.