Pledge.

When I was pursuing my undergraduate studies in the topmost college for women in Delhi Sanjay Gandhi had circulated a petition in all colleges asking students to take a pledge not to take [if boys] or give dowry [if girls] on getting married.

It shocked me to note that out of a class of 50 , all well off and hailing from educated upper strata of society , only I and another girl took the pledge . The rest refused to take it.

I stuck to my pledge when my marriage was struck. My father did not make a single demand when my elder brothers marriages were arranged ,earlier ,but was willing to go the extra mile for me.My in laws did not openly press for dowry , I had made it clear to them my views on that matter ,but put forth the request to conduct a decent marriage ---that meant , to serve on hand and foot, food and shelter to more than a 1000 invitees every day for three days!

According to me if a man wants money , it shows his incompetence to support his wife and his incapacity and disinterest in the continuiance of his and his spouses genes, there fore,he is not worthy of marriage.I don't put much store in the often bandied quip that marriages in India are between families. It is very much between individuals.

Here amongst Brahmins the demand for dowry is tapering off. It is not as virulent as it was 50 years back. But non- Brahmins have got stuck in the mesh and blame Brahmin's for it , as my neighbour did.I pointed to her that as we have left this practise , they ought to follow suit.It fell on deaf ears.I often see her son- in- law driving a new car proudly, gifted by her whilst she and her husband drive around in much used , battered fiat.

A neighbour of mine at Delhi , during my college days who was very fair, with red veins lacing her eyelids, very beautiful as well as intelligent , was studying medicine . Her alliance was struck with her class mate , hailing from the same caste. He was short, dark and quite ordinary to look at.

Her mother went into a tizzy ,collecting 10 sets of clothes, bed linen, jewellery,crockery furniture's ,etc each! Up north the scale of dowry is very high. They also had to shell out 1 lakh as dowry .A huge sum in those days.

I would often hear my elder brothers , un married then, swearing under their breath ,whenever that girl's beau came to talk to her, rattling on a old Vespa.''This specimen wants an angel with money. What gall?''

The marriage went off well right in front of our houses , in the lawns in a shamiana erected overnight, as is the custom in North.

The results of MBBS came soon after. The girl next door had passed securing a high rank whilst her husband flunked. We ,soon there after shifted to another part of Delhi.

One day after a year or two I visited a govt hospital to have my tooth checked and there I saw her in a white coat. She greeted me warmly ,took me to a dentist and told me that she was in the family way . And her husband?Still giving exams to clear his arrears!So she said .The delicate filligiree in red,that had laced her eyelids had descended into her, once clear eyes.

As every aberration in Hindu custom is sought to be blamed on Manu the ancient codifier of laws,let us see what he actually says on marriage and position of women.

Manu refers to 8 types of marriages , of which Brahma marriage is given the top most recognition and is the one followed to date by all Hindus.The Brahma marriage involves the kanyadhan of a well decked maiden by her father to a man well versed in shastras and is of good character. The crux is the gift of the daughter and not her ornaments.

In the marriage ceremony in which Saptapadi is the most important rite , the maiden loses her father's gothra after the seventh step around the sacrificial fire and acquires her huband's gothra and passes into her husband's domain .

The wife on her marriage was at once given an honoured position in the house. She was the mistress in her husband's home and where she was the wife of the eldest son of the family she exercised authority over her husband's brothers and his unmarried sisters. She is associated in all the religious offerings and rituals with her husband . As a vedic seers put it ,

"A woman is half her husband and completes him".

Manu in impressive verses exhorted men to honour and respect women

" Women must be honoured and adorned by their fathers, brothers, husbands and brothers in law who desire their own welfare . Where women are honoured there the gods are pleased ; but where they are not honoured no sacred rite yields rewards.The husband receives the wife from gods , he must always support her.Let mutual fidelity continue until death." [ Manu III]

Marriage is a sacred union in Hinduism. A samaskara or religious rite .

It is not a contract with offer, acceptance and consideration.

So from where did this 'dowry' concept creep in ?It is food for thought.


[ References from Mayne's Hindu law and usages]